When F&T goes wrong

[Old-Timer]

There is an old thread on a blog called "Mormon Mommy Wars" that is LONG and absolutely hilarious: Adventures in Arizona.

Look it up if you want to laugh so hard you pee.

[SamBee]

When I was a missionary, we were visiting a family that was partly active. Their adult daughter was there, and she normally didn't go to Church, and I mentioned that the next day was F&T meeting. She threw her head back and laughed right in my face: "Why on earth would I want to go to that? They're all the same. People blubbering on about the same things over and over." Honestly, I pretty much agreed with her, so I didn't push it. I just thought it was kind of refreshing to have someone say the truth for once.

Thankfully we don't get the waterworks in our ward often these days. I've never understood why something people say they love and enjoy would make them look as if they've just been spanked by a hairbrush. We've also lost the I know crowd - I always found them very formulaic.

I definitely have noticed differences between wards... And branches, well they tend to have a limited stock of speakers.

Quaker meetings seem to resemble F&T. Someone talks when they feel inspired. Some of them are boring.

[SamBee]

https://www.timesandseasons.org/harchiv ... -but-true/

(First part is not F&T but I include it anyway)

The bishopric appeared pleased that Sister Somewhat-less-active agreed to speak in sacrament meeting on her favorite topic, family history. But they must have been surprised when she announced, “I may not come to church much, but I’m d*!# good at family history.” She continued her talk, liberally sprinkled with the “nice” swear words, but the bishop turned white when one of her concluding statements was that she thinks “family history is bi#$@-in’.”

I don’t necessarily wish my young, impressionable children had been there for that, but you can be dang sure I’m adding it to my collection. I was in attendance at a fast and testimony meeting when a sister from South America bore her testimony about how disrespectful and immodest Americans are for allowing their children to wear pants to the primary program practice in the chapel. Apparently, it is a casual practice that would never happen in her home country. The testimony was long (10 or so minutes) and quite in-depth. The next sister to the pulpit announced that she “couldn’t agree more,” and bore her testimony about how too many women don’t wear pantyhose to church, a casual practice as disrespectful as wearing flip-flops. It was after that lengthy testimony that the bishop felt he needed to get up and explain that he wasn’t “one to know about women’s pantyhose,” but he was sure “we were all trying to be respectful and reverent in our buildings and will try harder.”

Well, at least no one fell asleep that day.

[Minyan Man]

I never thought I would say this but: I would of paid money to attend those F&T meetings.
Just to see the faces on the stand & to hear the conversations after the meeting.

[bridget_night]

As a missionary I always dreaded Fast and Testimony Meeting. You just knew someone would get up and say things that would offend your investigators and they would never want to come back. Like when someone rails about modesty while you have investigators there dressed as most normal non-church members do... yeah we did not appreciate those kinds of "testimonies".

I used to fear that too as a missionary. I served in Austria and I recalled a F& T meeting where a German man got up and talked about how lucky his Austrian fiancé was to have found such a superior German man as himself to be her future husband. The Austrian congregation wanted to rip him apart after the meeting. Many European members would get up and talk about angels they had seen and unusual spiritual experiences that would freak our investigators out. After my mission, we also had unusual testimonies from convert members. One I laugh about was a man who got up and ranted about how bad 'fluoride 'is and was on a health rant. Our bishop standing behind him was a dentist and did not appreciate it. It was entertaining sometimes.

[SamBee]

I'm trying to think of "offensive testimonies", I've heard. Luckily they are infrequent here, but women seem more inclined to give them than men - no idea why that is. Somewhat like attacks on missionaries, it's something I'm surprised doesn't happen more often.

One that used to be common was that someone would complain about the "lack of priesthood holders" offering testimonies, to shame the men into coming up. Again, 9/10 it would be a woman who said this, by the way, not a man. Personally, I couldn't care whether men or women were speaking, just as long as I found it enjoyable. (No small children though - I never "dug" that.)

We used to get an occasional one which dealt with gays. When I say occasional, you're talking once a year if that. None of them were graphic, thank goodness. (We had a similar thing in Sunday School once - not the teacher I might add - but at least one of our members offered her own counter POV.) On the flipside, I've heard rumors from other wards that sometimes LGBT activists have started deep tonguing and groping each other on the stand as some kind of protest - but that's something which is inappropriate for different reasons.

On one occasion, a visitor commented on the number of Chinese converts offering testimony and the lack of locals. Our Chinese converts tend to be students (probably one or two spies - yes, they're around too) and don't stay long. I actually got up after that, offered my own testimony and mentioned in passing how wonderful I thought it was that we had new members from China, especially given the fact that their government had tried to destroy Christianity, and told them that they were extremely welcome here. I also mentioned that salvation was for all God's children and that I prayed against the repression of religion worldwide. I could feel the previous speaker staring daggers at me, but didn't make eye contact with her.

I should add another one. One I believe is common elsewhere, but very rare here. When a single member starts advertizing their availability on the stand. It comes over as desperate. I mean, I'd like to marry a beautiful and good-natured lady too, but you won't see me up there begging.

[hawkgrrrl]

SamBee: There was one guy (and his wife) in a ward I was in decades ago who totally used F&T meeting to lobby for being called as the next bishop. Our current bishop was close to the end of his tenure. He did this the way Mrs. Elton talks about forming a musical club in Emma. He would say, "I know there's a lot of talk that I should be the next bishop, and I wish people would quit saying that. Of course, I would serve in any way I was asked, but it's not a calling I seek after, but clearly I would love any opportunity to help and to serve, even if it had to be something like that. But the nursery would be fine for me, just as noble." It was just gross.

[Cnsl1]

F&T meetings can be tedious. I also cringe at the little kids rehearsing the same drivel -- I want to bear my testimony, I know the church is true (no you don't, you're not even sure about Santa Claus), I know that president nelson is a true prophet (you still can't tie your shoes), and Joseph Smith is a true prophet (you keep using that word.. I'm not sure it means what you think it means), I love my mom and dad (ok, now you said something I believe) and my brothers and sisters (that's not what you were saying yesterday), namaJesuschristamen.

What's worse is when teenagers get up and say essentially the same thing. Even worse is when a parent holds a kid on their hip in front of the microphone and says that little Suzy just begged to get up and bear her testimony but now little Suzy won't even repeat the drivel that Mom is whispering in her ear.

Every now and then I'll hear something worth listening to, rarer yet something edifying to me. Our ward also has a guy that seems to like using testimony time and prayer time to preach sermons, so my family immediately puts him on the stop watch and makes over under bets (when in doubt, take the over.. just saying).

We also have this game we call testimony pool that we very irreverently play on our phones. The rules are simple: identify the people who are going to bear their testimony that day. Lock in your votes before the bishopric member conducting gets up to give his testimony (he doesn't count, of course). One point for every person correctly identified. Minus one for each miss.

Maybe it's the spirit telling us, but after a while you get pretty accurate if you pay attention to who was baptized, who has family visiting, who is moving, etc.

Some of my family has argued that we should tally the points differently, that the little Magillicuty girl who starts walking up before the bishop sits down should not count as much as Brother NoTie Johnson who hasn't born a testimony this century. So we've allowed a long shot vote that doesn't count against but basically gives you the win if you can hit it. One time my SIL picked me. Yeah, I considered it, but.. that would have given him the win!

[Limhah]

I always felt the congregation should be able to heckle the person on the stand when warranted, like in the British Parliament. I could never get anyone else on board with my suggestion unfortunately.

[DarkJedi]

I always felt the congregation should be able to heckle the person on the stand when warranted, like in the British Parliament. I could never get anyone else on board with my suggestion unfortunately.

That would be fun, even in regular SM!