Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

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SilentDawning
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Joined: 09 May 2010, 19:55

Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by SilentDawning »

I just wanted to share something I've been working on. Back in May 2024 my mother died. She left behind detailed plans for her funeral. My sister, who was the Grand Poobah of the event, indicated how much easier it was for her to plan everything knowing what my mother wanted -- hymns, speakers, automated Powerpoint of her life, reception afterwards etcetera.

So, I started planning my own funeral since I had a heart attack 2 years ago and given my overall health, will probably not last as long as my parents did (my mother was 84 when she died, my Dad is still living, but with some cognitive challenges). I am not depressed, not suicidal, and am in good spirits, so don't worry about that. Just planning ahead.

I see the purpose of the Celebration of Life as to bring people from my younger years up to date with my life, to provide an opportunity for others to receive revelation and inspiration from the experience of attending, and, a bit of a selfish motive -- having people's undivided attention as I expose them what I consider some of the most beautiful and uplifting music I have ever experienced.

Here are some features of the event:

1. Held at a local community center my father was instrumental in building through fundraising -- as an honor to him. Held where I grew up. I have lived in different areas of the world, and none of them will have much interest from church members to attend my funeral, but I was well-known in my home town and high school. So I will hold it there. Plus my disaffection with the church isn't going to foster much attendance. The event will not be held at an LDS Chapel.

2. Prelude music that is either a pianist and vocalist, or recorded music -- mostly Afterglow, if you are familiar with that LDS duo (one of the greatest duos I know of).

3. Scriptures from the Bible, the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, read by my relatives that introduce the theme of songs by Bryce Neubert, Afterglow. Words are printed in a booklet/program.

4. A focus on God and Spirituality with few mentions of Christ given the fact I'm not sure if I believe in the divine version of being known as Christ. It hurts to say that, given the beauty of the message of his life and mission. But I want to keep the content accessible to as wide a range of people as possible, and that means focusing on God and spirituality.

5. Recorded opening and closing prayers from people important in my life who live far away from my home town. No reliance on live streaming technology for inputs to the event, but the event will be live streamed as an output for the handful of church members and acquaintances from the various places I've lived who I think might care to attend or watch a recording.

6. A Gene R. Cook style reflective period where we play Dream of the Return by Pat Metheny and let people open their minds to God and to receive inspiration.

7. A book table of what I believe are the best books to learn from, free to anyone who wants to take one:

Getting to Yes, by Fischer and Ury (a book on how to engage in principled negotiation).
Getting Past No (by Ury)
Marriage Builders (Willard Harley Junior)
First Things First (Steven R Covey)
The Book of Mormon
To Grow in Spirit (Joel Christianson, an LDS author).
Winning with the Boss from Hell (Shaun Belding)

8. A reception afterwards where my high school buddies from a jazz combo I performed with, perform my original instrumental jazz music along with typical jazz standards like I did for over 10 years until I moved in 2020.

9. No minister or officially religious master of ceremonies. My brother will officiate, my sister will speak (eulogy), and a missionary companion or a close friend will do the opening and closing prayer -- the person will be a Mormon, probably, so they structure the prayer the way I'm used to hearing it (Heavenly Father, prayer, In the name of Jesus Christ Amen).

10. A scrolling presentation with pictures from my life, interspered with different quotes that have meant a lot to me. Some are humorous

a) God favors the side with the heaviest artillery (Napoleon Bonaparte).
b) Glory is fleeting but obscurity lasts forever (Napoleon).
c) You can get more with a gun, and a kind word, than you can with a kind word (Al Capone).
d) Fish and guests stinketh after three days. (Ben Franklin)
e) Never let religion come between you and your family (Silentdawning).
f) The harder I work, the luckier I get (Stephen Leacock)
g) Getting old isn't for sissies (Bette Midler).

I have a lot more that come to me, but this gives you a bit of an indication of my personality.

I have felt the outpouring of the Spirit as I plan this event, which tells me I'm headed in the right direction.

What are your thoughts on this? I don't expect this to get a lot of replies, but wanted to share it with this group.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

"The wise man has the power" -- adapted from What A Fool Believes -- The Doobie Brothers
AmyJ
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Joined: 27 Jul 2017, 05:50

Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by AmyJ »

I think this is awesome and awe-inspiring.
Minyan Man
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Joined: 15 Sep 2011, 13:40

Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by Minyan Man »

SD, you are a well-organized person. I am not. I have been thinking about this same topic for myself lately.
I haven't come up with anything that is permanent yet. The only thing I would add is, leave time for people to
talk & reminisce. The last close funeral I went to was my Mother's.

My Mother was in her 80's & her death was not unexpected. At the funeral, we had a lot of relatives, neighbors &
friends. Some we hadn't seen in a long time. One person that showed up was a friend of my Father. My Dad passed
away 20 yrs earlier. This man knew my Dad in high school and, at the time, lived next door. Needless to say, my
Father's family is a mystery to us. This man told us stories about that side of our family that we hadn't heard before.
A few weeks after the funeral, we met with the man & he gave us a tour of where they lived, the schools they attended
and shared stories about our Grandparents that we hadn't heard before. This all happened because we are not very
organized with my Mother's funeral.

Also, just for grins, I would probably add a Stephen King book to my table of books.
Roy
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Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by Roy »

This would have been much appreciated for my dad's funeral. My older sister did a ton of work but I think that in a desire to not leave anyone out or not offend anyone, it was left pretty open to anyone doing whatever they wanted.

For example, during the family viewing portion we just sat in the room with my dad and some people came up. It made me wonder if we were waiting for something. I stood at the front of the room in an effort to make it seem like SOMEBODY was in charge. When one of my sisters started wailing at my dad's body, I took the initiative to comfort her and hug her.

I know that my extended LDS family were rather shocked by what they saw. It was not the typical organized, faithful, and hopeful funeral that we are used to seeing. It was like a funeral put on by people that where each contributing their portion ad hoc and each of us were fairly shell-shocked and I'm not sure that anyone was in charge of directing the whole outcome. (the bishop was present but gave us free reign, I think he just wanted to ensure that nothing crazy happened)
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13
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nibbler
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Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by nibbler »

I've had to plan two funerals. Unfortunately they turned out being even more ad hoc than what Roy described. They were for family members that weren't members of the church, so no bishop or structure that are easy to default into when doing it at a LDS church.

It's a burden I still carry with me. They deserved better send-offs that what I was able to give them.

I'm glad you have everything planned out. I know they say that a funeral is for the living but I love the idea of ensuring the desires of the deceased are also well represented.
If you erase the mistakes of your past, you would also erase all the wisdom of your present. Remember the lesson, not the disappointment.
— I dunno
AmyJ
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Joined: 27 Jul 2017, 05:50

Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by AmyJ »

My mother-in-law passed away in 2021.
- We all knew she was dying before she died, so I wound up doing the bulk of my tear-based grief at home with a trusted friend providing emotional support by chat message about 3 weeks before she passed on and we started the funeral stuff.

- It was a brutal trip out to CA from the Mid-West and back because we don't travel well or lightly (though I tried). All of the anchor points used to ground us in daily living and a measure of comfort were "temporarily unmoored", so we were too. In truly standard fashion, my baby threw up (always at least 1x on any trip) and we misplaced my husband's dress suit someplace in the airport coming home (it's always something).

- My husband was glad that we went to the funeral. My oldest "showed up" for the family in big ways during the trip which left a positive impression on my husband that remains to this day a touchstone. I don't feel that the funeral did anything specific to support me personally, but I take joy/comfort from the fact that I was able to support my husband and in-laws through "showing up".


- I was asked to give a prayer and I said "No" politely (and they were cool with that - no pressure). I wish I had volunteered to share some memories of I had of her as a marvelous lady like my brother-in-law did instead. It wasn't the public speaking dimension that would have been uncomfortable for me.


I found the contact information for a non-profit organization that specializes in helping provide women with business clothes to go out in the world in.
- I offered it up as a suggestion to my father-in-law and sister-in-law because my mother-in-law had had an extensive collection of business clothes to pass on and she would wanted it passed on in a low-key, pragmatic way. I am confident about this as something that my mother-in-law would have wanted because she was inspired to give me a Costco membership the year I became engaged to her son as a way to make my life easier in a classy way.

- Imagine my surprise when my gesture that I thought was obligatorily "heard out" got implemented within weeks of the funeral. It was the light of my father-in-law's day when he went and actually donated the clothes and stuff to that non-profit and heard on some level the good the things would do instead of waiting for the standard Desert Industries donation day.


I was the family delegate sent back to the house from the hotel the evening before we flew home. I was tasked to find everything that we could use/had meaning for us and preferably could fit in our suitcases. There actually wasn't that much - but I was inspired (or maybe fearing the return flight home desperate) to look at the kids toys and books that my mother-in-law had held onto for decades "just in case a grandkid visited". To be fair, there is a 15-20 year age gap between the youngest and oldest grandkids. There was a childhood book that my husband had loved so much as a kid that he could quote most of it word-perfectly for a good 10 stanzas or so. It meant a lot to him and to our children that I found and brought that book back.
Last edited by AmyJ on 08 Jan 2025, 11:11, edited 1 time in total.
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DarkJedi
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Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by DarkJedi »

I have given this some thought myself recently. I don't think it's a bad idea to make one's wishes known and to plan a service the way one wants to be remembered. The thing is, I don't really desire a funeral or memorial service. On the other hand, I recognize they are actually for the living and not the dead, and my wife is (strangely, I think) really into funerals and I expect she will outlive me (she is 6 years youngers).

I was recently at a funeral (the guy was LDS but it was not an LDS funeral) where he did the book thing like you describe SD. I had not seen that before, but it was interesting and people did take the books. I'm not sure I have several books that have strongly influenced my life, and actually only have one that I'd put out at the moment. The scrolling pictures seems pretty common. There are not many pictures before my married life, and even then I'm not one who likes to be photographed. Planning that ahead would seem to take some work/effort off survivors.

I'm not a huge fan of LDS style funerals (they seem like every other meeting, and often more about the church than the individual). I'm also not a fan of the high rites affairs (Catholic, etc.) because they also tend to be non-individualized. And I'm not really a fan of eulogies and can't think of someone off hand I'd like to give one.

Were it totally up to me, I would have a private gathering of mostly family and more like a graveside service (although I'd like to be cremated). Music would consist of a couple of my favorite hymns (Come Thou Fount & How Great Thou Art among them, maybe the only ones). Maybe a prayer, but not a grave dedication (too LDS). I'm OK with allowing time for anybody to say what they'd like and share memories. I see no need and have no desire for someone to conduct, preside, or give any talk or sermon. Because I'd like it to be more informal the church is probably not the setting I'd like, although free is nice (not really free considering all the tithing I have paid). If family wants a food thing after I'm also OK with that but I'd rather not have people put in a lot of work or effort (or expense).
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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AmyJ
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Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by AmyJ »

Family History
Both of my parents are only children who co-raised themselves as teenagers because their parents were drunk and/or not in the picture. The stories listed below are in the chronological order of new to old.
  • [Funeral in the 1990's, death in 2021] My grandfather made all his arrangements, so that was easy. However, I had 2 siblings step up and fly in (1 from Canada, 1 from across the country) to escort my mom through the process of the estate work and grief for my dad's father's death. My mom is better at that stuff and it comforts her to "take charge" of it all.
  • [2006] My evil grandmother's funeral I did not attend even though I was local because she is the evil grandmother and I was an adult. I helped clean out her apartment with my mom after that and my then boyfriend became my fiancee as a side quest/perk? of the process. NOTE: The amount of bitterness and contention her choices made makes her darn lucky to be labeled merely as "an evil grandmother" in the same lighthearted tone as "a cute puppy"
  • [Late 1990's] My biological grandfather whom I never met died at home. He missed a doctor's appointment or two and the secretary called the police who found him 4 days after the fact. He happened to have a phone contact list and had an entry on my mom that identified her as his daughter. My mom flew out to handle the funeral arrangements and leaned heavily on her aunts to help (because they knew the area and the family and all that). There is a rumor that my mother has at least 1 biological half-brother out in the world. He identified himself to her and the aunt's say "it's plausible gossip".
  • [1992?] My grandmother's funeral was co-planned by her siblings and my mom. I was 14 at the time and I preferred to stay with my siblings rather then the fanfare of the funeral. I got a Disney movie and a piece of a Subway sandwich I couldn't eat because of banana peppers (not a fan).
My History
  • I am hopeful that my soul has the option to stick around to "see the show" as it were that my funeral would be.
  • I really want to be cremated (to save money and prevent possible zombification) NOTE: The way I see it (and it's very heretical for sure), Doctrine, Historical accuracy of scripture, and Zombies are different types of lore that people love to argue over. I'd like to be cremated to remove a potential avenue of this body being taken over and re-purposed even conceptually. I am fairly certain that my name is on the list of individuals to be struck with lightning for sure - and it seems to be a very long list:)
  • I would prefer no visitation as part of the funeral service, but I figure that isn't something I really get a say on. I hope to have a say on wearing temple garb. I have respectfully removed the female temple garb from our house to increase the odds that I am not laid out in them. Mostly because being displayed in them would set me up as being an impostor and mislead others into thinking I was a "believer". Also, it seems like more work to put on the temple gear and then take off the temple gear from a dead body so that they can chuck it into a furnace, and burning the temple gear just sounds like a bit much/disrespectful to me.
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SilentDawning
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Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by SilentDawning »

Roy wrote: 07 Jan 2025, 11:06 This would have been much appreciated for my dad's funeral. My older sister did a ton of work but I think that in a desire to not leave anyone out or not offend anyone, it was left pretty open to anyone doing whatever they wanted.

For example, during the family viewing portion we just sat in the room with my dad and some people came up. It made me wonder if we were waiting for something. I stood at the front of the room in an effort to make it seem like SOMEBODY was in charge. When one of my sisters started wailing at my dad's body, I took the initiative to comfort her and hug her.

I know that my extended LDS family were rather shocked by what they saw. It was not the typical organized, faithful, and hopeful funeral that we are used to seeing. It was like a funeral put on by people that where each contributing their portion ad hoc and each of us were fairly shell-shocked and I'm not sure that anyone was in charge of directing the whole outcome. (the bishop was present but gave us free reign, I think he just wanted to ensure that nothing crazy happened)
Interesting story Roy -- can you provide examples of some of the parts of the funeral that shocked you? I am interested. I am noticing that yes, when given free reign, what I am coming up with departs from the usual funeral...interested in the parts that were unusual in your own experience above.
Last edited by SilentDawning on 09 Jan 2025, 20:46, edited 1 time in total.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

"The wise man has the power" -- adapted from What A Fool Believes -- The Doobie Brothers
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SilentDawning
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Re: Planning my funeral/Celebration of Life

Post by SilentDawning »

DarkJedi wrote: 08 Jan 2025, 10:08 I was recently at a funeral (the guy was LDS but it was not an LDS funeral) where he did the book thing like you describe SD. I had not seen that before, but it was interesting and people did take the books.

Were it totally up to me, I would have a private gathering of mostly family and more like a graveside service (although I'd like to be cremated). Music would consist of a couple of my favorite hymns (Come Thou Fount & How Great Thou Art among them, maybe the only ones). Maybe a prayer, but not a grave dedication (too LDS). I'm OK with allowing time for anybody to say what they'd like and share memories. I see no need and have no desire for someone to conduct, preside, or give any talk or sermon. Because I'd like it to be more informal the church is probably not the setting I'd like, although free is nice (not really free considering all the tithing I have paid). If family wants a food thing after I'm also OK with that but I'd rather not have people put in a lot of work or effort (or expense).
It makes me feel good (if not unoriginal) that you have seen the book thing before. I thought that was an original idea, and may well be to most attendees.

We had a graveside moment for my mother. I hadn't thought of that. A minister spoke and that was it. We had one even though we were only putting up a headstone and I think we buried her ashes, I can't remember. I don't see the point of keeping ashes and handing them down to generations.

I am also think of creating a memory box with all my awards and degrees and other memorabilia so generations hence can remember me for who I was. Too little is left behind by people who have lived sometimes 70 plus years and have nothing permanent left behind for posterity.

At my mother's funeral, there was a food reception afterwards and there was an open microphone for people to share memories of my mother. Nobody participated because the time felt more like networking and social time, not time to share memories. I think everyone forgot about it. That's why I think I'd rather have a jazz band like the kind I performed with for 10 years when I was the business motor and instrumentalist in about 4 bands.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

"The wise man has the power" -- adapted from What A Fool Believes -- The Doobie Brothers
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