In Search of Closure

[Arrakeen]

It has been over five years since I returned home from my mission - the traumatic experience that started my faith crisis and led to the eventual dismantling of everything I once believed. So much has changed since then, but I still find it difficult to escape the past.

I used to think that while I physically survived the experience, a part of me died on the mission. The person I used to be, with a testimony of church teachings and faith in a higher power, was gone. I would have to accept that I was a completely new person and move on.

However, recently I am finding that is not quite the most accurate way to describe what happened. I am still very much affected by that experience, as I have discovered by the feelings that arise when looking up my mission area on Google Earth or whenever missions are brought up as a topic in church meetings. The part of me that was the missionary is not dead but trapped in the past, walking the streets of a faraway country, unable to return home.

I find that I really want some sort of closure for the experience. Some kind of conclusion, some lesson learned, a turning point to set me on the path towards my future. But I find myself still stuck endlessly revisiting the past.

I have stopped attending church, but I left the door behind me open with the distant thought that maybe someday I might return. I wonder if this may just be another way of me refusing to move on. I tell myself I no longer care for the religion, yet I seek out news about all the happenings within the church. My anger at the church has cooled, but not gone away. The wounds from my mission no longer sting, but still ache.

Lately I have been thinking about what I need to do to get closure. Perhaps I need to take an extended break not only from church attendance, but from any church-related news or online content. Maybe I need to visit the country where I served, walk those streets once more, and bury the bad memories there. Or maybe I need to take more extreme measures and formally leave the church, marking a final end to that chapter of my life.

Is it possible to find true closure for a faith journey, or is it a futile search because you never really know if you've reached the destination? How do I reconcile who I was before my faith crisis with who I am after, moving on towards the future without erasing the past? How do I know if it is still worth trying to "StayLDS", or if doing so is holding me back?

[Roy]

Hi Arrakeen,

I am going to apply my own experiences because that is what I have to draw from.

1) "A part of me died on the mission" I often divide my life into the the time before my daughter and third child's stillbirth and the time after. In a way, I feel that this is a tribute to my daughter that our brief time with her affected me so much. It is also true that the grieving process and the collapse of my assumptive world is what changed me.

2) "I would have to accept that I was a completely new person and move on." I don't know that I would frame it that way. When I went through my assumptive world collapse it felt like a hard reboot. There seemed to be reboot protocols that were stored deeper inside me than my waking consciousness. Perhaps you can be Arrakeen 2.0, not a new person but rather the old person that went through some transformative experiences. I also do not very much like the term "move on." I think my ward church leaders would like for me to "move on" from the death of my daughter and return to more full activity. In that regard they want me to "Move on" by going back to my old self. My advice is to not try to change the way that you feel. Accept that it is a part of you and be kind to yourself.

3) "I tell myself I no longer care for the religion, yet I seek out news about all the happenings within the church. My anger at the church has cooled, but not gone away. The wounds from my mission no longer sting, but still ache." I don't know if it is realistic to completely move on. You carry your experiences around with you and sometimes something triggers a memory and it might come more to the surface for a while. This is normal and should be expected. When learning about the steps of the grieving process, I was very determined to do each step "correctly" so as not to need to repeat anything. I wanted my progress to be linear. Some of the other grieving parents from our support group helped me to see that grief and recovery is not a formula and progress is not linear. Maybe you will always feel like part of the Mormon tribe or maybe your time in the LDS church will come to seem like a different lifetime ago. Both are completely normal and ok.

4)

Lately I have been thinking about what I need to do to get closure. Perhaps I need to take an extended break not only from church attendance, but from any church-related news or online content. Maybe I need to visit the country where I served, walk those streets once more, and bury the bad memories there. Or maybe I need to take more extreme measures and formally leave the church, marking a final end to that chapter of my life.

Is it possible to find true closure for a faith journey, or is it a futile search because you never really know if you've reached the destination? How do I reconcile who I was before my faith crisis with who I am after, moving on towards the future without erasing the past? How do I know if it is still worth trying to "StayLDS", or if doing so is holding me back?

Great questions! I think that you can do whatever you might need and that might be meaningful to you. People do things all the time to mark waypoints in the journey. We do baptisms, weddings, funerals etc. I am reading the book "Wild" about a lady that hiked the Pacific Coast Trail in order to break herself out from the destructive tailspin that she was in but also to mark and differentiate the old Cheryl from the new. You might say that she was reborn on the trail while also being the same person. She became Cheryl 2.0. FYI She also chose a new last name for herself and that also seems to be symbolic of her transformation.

The past will always be there. I think a big question is whether or not you are able to function and succeed in the life goals that you might set for yourself. If something is "holding you back" and keeping you from working towards your goals, then something needs to be done. As long as you are able to live the life that you want to live then maybe it is expecting too much of yourself to be completely ambivalent towards church matters.

None of this is easy. It is hard work, but a far different type of work. It is a process that must be lived through. Good luck friend.

[SilentDawning]

Is it possible to find true closure for a faith journey, or is it a futile search because you never really know if you've reached the destination? How do I reconcile who I was before my faith crisis with who I am after, moving on towards the future without erasing the past? How do I know if it is still worth trying to "StayLDS", or if doing so is holding me back?

I think you should write in your journal about your feelings. Even if it's just stream of consciousness as you revisit the topics that have caused you to doubt or want a different relationship with the church.

I think you should consider writing about specific issues that bother you here, read responses, and participate subsequently. This will help you process the memories and issues causing you problems. That's what I did. When I realized I was in a commitment crises, I realized I had to come to grips with tithing, callings, culture, and all the things that people wanted me to do in the church, that I was done with. As you cross paths with the church (people coming to the door, Bishops calling you in to talk about your activity, key life events that require church involvement etcetera), discuss your feelings and formulate plans as you listen to the wisdom shared here.

I hate to harp on this one, but it has been such a GREAT help to me, I have to mention it. EMDR therapy. I have used it to put a couple of traumatic experiences in the church to bed once and for all. The therapy can be self-administered and can be highly effective in helping you process and then put to bed disturbing experiences or feelings you have.

You will need to read this pretty short book:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Self-Adminis ... _sb_noss_2

And you will need some way of exposing yourself to bi-lateral stimulation. I recommend these pulsers and headset and stimulus equipment:
https://neurotekcorp.com/tactile-and-auditory-emdr/


But if that's not possible, then you can use a YouTube video and headphones:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_k2HMSIxK0k

And you will need to write in a journal.

Those are my suggestions.

[SilentDawning]

Here is a template that I use for recording progress during EMDR therapy. This is based on the book I quoted in my last entry in this thread. You write something in each of the categories below, stopping at the Stimulation sections while you do the bilateral stimulation and contemplation. Then you come back and write what you thought about during those stimulation sessions. I do the entire template all at once.

For the simulation section, after each 30-second to 3-minute bit of stimulation, you write what thoughts came to you automatically. You also indicate the disturbance level you feel (mental stress, anxiety, any unpleasant emotional or physical feeling) on a scale of 1 to 7 and also rate the extent to which you believe the new cognitive belief you tried to install. After you believe the new belief about the situation you're in, you do a scan of your body (mentally) and write down how much disturbance you feel. I say disturbance because the feelings EMDR therapy addresses can range from anxiety to lack of peace, to obsessing about something, to ruminating or over-analyzing, you name it - anything that seems unresolved or that bothers you.

It is strange, but somehow, the bilateral stimulation puts your brain in such a place you start thinking positive, constructive thoughts about the experience that is disturbing you. Afterward, it's like the situation has been processed so you don't need to think about it again. For all of my disturbances, only one required a booster session and that was because the situation was oft provoked by goings on in my family. All the other disturbing thoughts were processed and put to bed through the therapy. It's a great way to stop obsessing about or letting something bother you continually.

Here is the template I use.

A. The Issue
B. Foundation of the Problem
C. The Picture of the Target Event
Disturbance Level: 0/10
D. The Associated Negative Belief
E. The Alternate Positive Belief for Installation
Belief Strength: 0/7
F. Thoughts During Bilateral Stimulation
a) Stimulation 1 (30 seconds to 3 minutes)
Disturbance Level: /10
G. Positive Cognition Installation (30 second burst)
Belief Strength: /7
H. Body Scan [sense how much anxiety or disturbance you are feeling. If it's zero, then stop.]
Disturbance Level: /10

[DarkJedi]

FYI, The quoted part below was originally part of a much longer post from DJ that Roy had inadvertently "edited" when intending to "quote" a portion and respond. Sorry for the confusion.

Again, 20 years later I still have those feelings sometimes - less often and less intense but they still come.

Yes, this is exactly what I had referenced. I had initially thought that if I followed the steps correctly that I would be able to move on and never revisit those feelings again. That is just not how the process works. It doesn't mean failure if something triggers a resurgence of old feelings. They will subside and in the mean time they are evidence of being human.

[DarkJedi]

Here is a template that I use for recording progress during EMDR therapy. This is based on the book I quoted in my last entry in this thread. You write something in each of the categories below, stopping at the Stimulation sections while you do the bilateral stimulation and contemplation. Then you come back and write what you thought about during those stimulation sessions. I do the entire template all at once.

For the simulation section, after each 30-second to 3-minute bit of stimulation, you write what thoughts came to you automatically. You also indicate the disturbance level you feel (mental stress, anxiety, any unpleasant emotional or physical feeling) on a scale of 1 to 7 and also rate the extent to which you believe the new cognitive belief you tried to install. After you believe the new belief about the situation you're in, you do a scan of your body (mentally) and write down how much disturbance you feel. I say disturbance because the feelings EMDR therapy addresses can range from anxiety to lack of peace, to obsessing about something, to ruminating or over-analyzing, you name it - anything that seems unresolved or that bothers you.

It is strange, but somehow, the bilateral stimulation puts your brain in such a place you start thinking positive, constructive thoughts about the experience that is disturbing you. Afterward, it's like the situation has been processed so you don't need to think about it again. For all of my disturbances, only one required a booster session and that was because the situation was oft provoked by goings on in my family. All the other disturbing thoughts were processed and put to bed through the therapy. It's a great way to stop obsessing about or letting something bother you continually.

Here is the template I use.

A. The Issue
B. Foundation of the Problem
C. The Picture of the Target Event
Disturbance Level: 0/10
D. The Associated Negative Belief
E. The Alternate Positive Belief for Installation
Belief Strength: 0/7
F. Thoughts During Bilateral Stimulation
a) Stimulation 1 (30 seconds to 3 minutes)
Disturbance Level: /10
G. Positive Cognition Installation (30 second burst)
Belief Strength: /7
H. Body Scan [sense how much anxiety or disturbance you are feeling. If it's zero, then stop.]
Disturbance Level: /10

I am happy that you have found a therapy that works for you. If someone needs therapy they need to find the therapist and method that works for them.

[Old-Timer]

This might come across as overly-simplistic, but I have gained peace from accepting the idea that life is a journey, which means it is an ever-changing condition. If it stops changing, we stop growing and "becoming" - which is the definition of damnation (being stopped). If we truly believe in the idea of "eternal progression", we have to be willing to change without end.

So, ironically, what you are experiencing is the heart of Mormon theology - and the opposite of general Christian theology. It hurts sometimes within stereotypical Mormon culture, but it is, nonetheless, the fundamental Mormon goal.

My advice is simple but not easy:

Live based on your faith (the substance of your hopes) in each moment, and allow that faith to change as you learn and grow. In other words, live based on what you hope for the future, whatever that is. If you have to define your core hope(s) for the first time or redefine your hope(s), do that - and then try to live based on it.

[SilentDawning]

I am happy that you have found a therapy that works for you. If someone needs therapy they need to find the therapist and method that works for them.

I wasn't suggesting anything other than that, but you have to know about the therapy to consider it. That was why I gave 3 different approaches to the problem/questions posed by the OP.

[Roy]

I wasn't suggesting anything other than that, but you have to know about the therapy to consider it. That was why I gave 3 different approaches to the problem/questions posed by the OP.

Right, I believe that most people could receive some help from therapy. We do not prescribe anything but we do share what has worked for us. Mileage may vary for others.

[DarkJedi]

I wasn't suggesting anything other than that, but you have to know about the therapy to consider it. That was why I gave 3 different approaches to the problem/questions posed by the OP.

Right, I believe that most people could receive some help from therapy. We do not prescribe anything but we do share what has worked for us. Mileage may vary for others.