I'm curious to what your thoughts are on dating outside the church

[kotm]

Over the past few months I have noticed quite a few things. The first is non-lds girls seem to be more interested in me compared to lds girls. I have no idea why this. However after repeated efforts at trying to put myself out there in my YSA ward by going to social activities I have not had much success. And I am indeed trying. I have been getting back into shape, and also trying to better myself mentally and be more confident. However girls in the church just won't give me the time of day. But I have noticed girls who are not LDS seem much more interested in me.

Maybe it's time to play to this strength and try my hand dating outside the church. Girls in the church won't bother to give me the time of day, but girls who are nonmembers seem at least interested in me. But as mentioned in another post, I often worry about this. How do I make this work if I have desires to remain in the church? How do I remain active, how do I get her to accept these beliefs? Becuase I would accept hers if they were differing than mine. Are interfaith relationships/marriages difficult to maintain?

[DarkJedi]

All marriages (and other close relationships) take work. I do know people in mixed faith marriages and it never seems to be their biggest stressor. I think the most important things to consider are each person being very upfront about their beliefs (perhaps not first date, but also not engagement time) and each not having the expectation that the other will change (or should change). People who are not members of the church are just as much children of God as members are, and are subject to all the same mercy and grace of a loving God.

[nibbler]

It's probably easier to manage the expectations of a mixed faith relationship where the relationship starts out as mixed faith as opposed to a relationship where you start out as the same faith and then one person changes.

When you start out with mixed faith being on the table you know what you're getting into and if the relationship continues it would continue with the mixed faith as an accepted condition. In theory.

[Roy]

"It is not good for man to be alone"

I believe that companionship is healthy and important.

I do not believe that belonging to the same faith is the most important thing in a relationship (although certainly a consideration).

I also feel that we LDS seem laser focused on the marriage aspect. That would be coming on mighty strong for most of the dating populace that is not used to talking marriage in the first few months of dating. You can think in your head about marriage prospects, just don't talk about it prematurely.

How do I make this work if I have desires to remain in the church? How do I remain active, how do I get her to accept these beliefs? Becuase I would accept hers if they were differing than mine. Are interfaith relationships/marriages difficult to maintain?

If going to church on Sunday is important to you and you are willing to go alone, then there is your answer.

I do not think that she needs to accept your beliefs as much as you need her to respect your beliefs. If she doesn't respect your beliefs then that is a big red flag. You cannot make someone do something but you can choose your response to what someone else does.

I think that church standards and goals can become a type of assumed shorthand for relationships. It can become a sort of shortcut from the type of investigative getting to know you and compromise that would otherwise occur. I think there is value and strength to building your relationship on each other rather than a foundation of shared church history.

In summary, don't close yourself off to a good thing just because it might not be perfect. Perfection is the enemy of good.

[Carburettor]

Are interfaith relationships/marriages difficult to maintain?

Well done for giving this issue serious thought. I imagine that few people plan to begin a relationship that risks unravelling over time. The relative dynamics and chances of success will be influenced by your background and your red lines in respect of your relationship with a partner and your relationship with your faith.

To make any type of meaningful comment, I'd like more information about your church background. Are you a convert, or were you raised in an LDS church family? Did you attend Seminary in your youth? Did you serve a full-time mission? Do you actively participate in church meetings, and do you serve in a calling? Do you hold a current temple recommend and attend a temple periodically?

I live outside the U.S. in an area where members marry nonmembers all the time — or they risk not marrying at all. I am therefore reasonably acquainted with the considerations because I see how things unfold in a church context.

[kotm]

Are interfaith relationships/marriages difficult to maintain?

Well done for giving this issue serious thought. I imagine that few people plan to begin a relationship that risks unravelling over time. The relative dynamics and chances of success will be influenced by your background and your red lines in respect of your relationship with a partner and your relationship with your faith.

To make any type of meaningful comment, I'd like more information about your church background. Are you a convert, or were you raised in an LDS church family? Did you attend Seminary in your youth? Did you serve a full-time mission? Do you actively participate in church meetings, and do you serve in a calling? Do you hold a current temple recommend and attend a temple periodically?

I live outside the U.S. in an area where members marry nonmembers all the time — or they risk not marrying at all. I am therefore reasonably acquainted with the considerations because I see how things unfold in a church context.

I was raised in the church. Out west, but not in Utah. My parents were and are great examples of members. They take a very non-judgemental attitude towards things. However I never really gelled well with the church and it's culture. While I don't live in Utah, many Utah members move down here and bring their culture and attitudes down here and seemed to have ruined it for a lot of people. I was always the guy who didn't do traditional things. I drank caffiene (still do), hung out with other outcasts in school and so on.

I did attend seminary growing up. However it felt nothing like a competition to see who is the most faithful. We had scripture mastery, and I never bothered with it. But if you completed it you got your photo up on the wall -- so it basically turned into a shrine of who appeared more faithful and so on.

I did not serve a mission. This was due to health difficulties that arose shortly after I began the application process. To this day it still grinds my gears seeing people go on their missions as if it's some kind of big accompmlisment and makes them more faithful. I cannot stand most RM's as in my experience they tend to be the most arrogant and self deluded indivuals I have come across.

I am a lot more active than I was 4-5 years ago. I used to just attend sacrament meeting in my family ward. I now attend my YSA ward regulary for the full two hours. I quite enjoy it. It's a good ward, but I have to drive about 100 miles for it. Not a big deal, but beats the heck out of attending the judgemental clicky YSA wards in my hometown.

I currently do not have a calling. And I am not endowed, and haven't been to the Temple to do ordinances for a very long time. I do have desires to be endowed and have begun taking temple prep classes via my YSA ward.

I guess what I'm trying to get it is growing up in the church was difficult for me. I still have quite an axe to grind, and just cannot let go. And I fear it may be somewhat of a stumbling block for everything.

[Carburettor]

I was always the guy who didn't do traditional things.

Thank you for the excellent bio. You did a great job of explaining how the Church fits (or doesn't) into your life. It is refreshing to read such honesty.

Since you were the guy who didn't do traditional things, dating someone who shows genuine interest in you (and vice versa) — whatever their situation — strikes me as holding far more potential than trying to present yourself as someone you aren't or going after someone whose faith commitments are different from yours. It's great to have aspirations, but fraudulence is a dead end.

If you had said you did all the things I asked about (Seminary graduate, RM, temple attending, etc.), I would have recommended searching further afield for someone with similar convictions so you would have plenty to bind you in a common pursuit. Since that isn't the case — and that's not any type of judgement — do you really want to seek out someone for whom those things are an expectation or red line? There's a woman in my ward who refused to marry a guy until he served a mission; so he did it for her. Two decades and several children later, they divorced because he didn't want to be the guy she wanted as a husband. We should never attempt to shape others into what we want them to be; we should only ever try to shape ourselves into being the best possible version we can manage.

I know people who have quintessentially LDS backgrounds who married childhood friends or colleagues who had none of the same experiences and values, but they were in love — and still are. However, there will always be that feeling of awkwardness every time all the family-centred principles are spoken of in talks, testimonies, lessons, etc. You know, it's pretty much non-stop because we teach that the family is at the heart of the great plan. So if those things are central to your experience and your aspirations, dating and marrying outside your faith is a life sentence of compromise and of feeling at least partially incomplete. Is that what you want?

If, on the other hand, being seen as (or self-identifying as) Peter Priesthood or Molly Mormon really isn't your thing (but you have core faith convictions and wish to hang on to them — albeit not in a 100%-committed-all-the-time-so-you-can-serve-as-the-next-bishop type of way), there's a world of women out there who are not of our faith but who would respect your beliefs as long as you weren't trying to coerce her down the same path against her will.

Making promises/covenants as an adult in the temple is a life-altering commitment. Having a spouse who cannot relate to how that affects pretty much everything is always going to represent a challenge. And staying married is a tricky enough feat after the sheen has worn off. You'll want things that unite you rather than the opposite. It can be done; it's just more difficult in my view.

It sounds to me like you need someone who holds similar views to your own; a woman who respects the values of others without feeling threatened by them and without trying to change them. If she isn't a member and that isn't an issue for you, if she allows you to find your path and sees you blossom in your choices, well, she's more likely to join you in that journey — in whichever direction that leads.

I still have quite an axe to grind, and just cannot let go. And I fear it may be somewhat of a stumbling block for everything.

A few hundred years ago, a guy who lived not far from me once wrote, "To thine own self be true." I'd encourage you to search for a woman whose aspirations align with yours. Your faith background is an integral part of who you have become, but it sounds like it isn't currently central to your life. You would certainly want to be sure she's cool with what that means to you — and vice versa so you are comfortable with her own convictions.

I hope you can find someone who sees all the good you have to offer.

[Old-Timer]

It can be difficult or not, depending on the attitudes and expectations of the individuals.

That is general, I know, but it is true. This is not a black-and-white issue; it includes every imaginable shade of every imaginable color.

[Minyan Man]

...Maybe it's time to play to this strength and try my hand dating outside the church. Girls in the church won't bother to give me the time of day, but girls who are nonmembers seem at least interested in me. But as mentioned in another post, I often worry about this. How do I make this work if I have desires to remain in the church? How do I remain active, how do I get her to accept these beliefs? Because I would accept hers if they were differing than mine. Are interfaith relationships/marriages difficult to maintain?

My feeling is just because you date a non-member doesn't mean you will get married. I know a number of people who got married & some joined
the church & are very happy. Some didn't join & they are very happy too. Some people were members all their lives, got married & later divorced.
You don't always know how it's going to work out.

When I was single, I liked dating & seeing who & what was available. When I joined the church (Senior in college), I found out that I had more
in common with members than nonmembers.

My advice, for what it's worth, is date a non-member & if it doesn't work out move on to someone else & see if that works.
Good luck!