How to not let your disdain for behavior of other members drive you away?

[Carburettor]

I guess you were lucky enough to not have gone through the trauma I have gone through in the church. So why would I seek help from within when that very institution is soely responsible for my truama?

I suspect I garbled my response. I was trying to say that it is ridiculous that someone should need to pay for therapy to resolve trauma experienced in a religious setting. The fact that religious settings can be associated with trauma reflects badly on the religion. Having to pay for treatment to address it makes it all the more abhorrent.

Let me try again; it is terrible that you should have experienced trauma in a religious setting — and even worse that you should subsequently have to hand over money to address it.

[DarkJedi]

I guess you were lucky enough to not have gone through the trauma I have gone through in the church. So why would I seek help from within when that very institution is soely responsible for my truama?

I suspect I garbled my response. I was trying to say that it is ridiculous that someone should need to pay for therapy to resolve trauma experienced in a religious setting. The fact that religious settings can be associated with trauma reflects badly on the religion. Having to pay for treatment to address it makes it all the more abhorrent.

Let me try again; it is terrible that you should have experienced trauma in a religious setting — and even worse that you should subsequently have to hand over money to address it.

Yet there are many - perhaps thousands* - in this exact same position. In fact it is quite clear from your posts that you have a fair bit of religious trauma. Therapy is one way to deal with it, but therapy or not, deal with it we must.

*Religious trauma is not restricted to the LDS church.

[Roy]

The fact that religious settings can be associated with trauma reflects badly on the religion.

I think that this is a big reason why more and more young people are choosing to distance themselves from organized religion. Religion no longer answers their life questions for them AND it seems to actively harm marginalized individuals.

[kotm]

I guess you were lucky enough to not have gone through the trauma I have gone through in the church. So why would I seek help from within when that very institution is soely responsible for my truama?

I suspect I garbled my response. I was trying to say that it is ridiculous that someone should need to pay for therapy to resolve trauma experienced in a religious setting. The fact that religious settings can be associated with trauma reflects badly on the religion. Having to pay for treatment to address it makes it all the more abhorrent.

Let me try again; it is terrible that you should have experienced trauma in a religious setting — and even worse that you should subsequently have to hand over money to address it.

This is such a silly and immature way of looking at this. If you broke your hand, and someone told you to see a doctor would you have the same attitude?

I don't mean to be rude - but I find your attitude to be incredibly tone deaf.

What exactly do you suggest?

[Carburettor]

This is such a silly and immature way of looking at this. If you broke your hand, and someone told you to see a doctor would you have the same attitude?

I don't mean to be rude - but I find your attitude to be incredibly tone deaf.

I believe you have repeatedly misunderstood my response(s) as an attack when I was actually trying to express support for you. No harm done; I'm not that easily offended.

[Minyan Man]

...There is a ton of anger related to instances of being mistreated. Mistreated by fellow members growing up, and even Youth leaders. I know exactly who it was, their names, their faces and exactly what they did to me. What really pisses me off most is seeing those who treated me so poorly are basically winning at life. Meanwhile, everyday is a struggle thanks to the trauma these people have caused me. Feels like there's no justice and they'll never have to face the consequences for their actions. I have severe anxiety, can't seem to make friends, can't seem to date. (lds girls just aren't interested in me). All thanks to these people. There's a wedge, a mental block there that's preventing me from moving forward. From socializing within the church, etc. I always look around and see people dating, and often wonder wtf is wrong with me. Often times I really feel like I wasn't even meant to be.

For me personally, anger is a big problem when I carry it to the extreme. There are a number of things I do to control my anger:
1. I have a number of very close friends that I can talk to & confide with. I respect their opinions & insight into issues. They in turn, confide in me.
2. I do my best to not carry anger over to it being resentment.
3. I avoid anyone who "pisses" me off, as you describe.
4. I try to get physical exercise.
5. I have outside organizations & activities from church.
6. If church is a major part of my anger, I find something else to do. And, I did for about 8 years. (I don't feel guilty because of my decision.)
7. We are back to full activity, but I keep my distance. That includes:
-- No leadership positions.
-- No talks or lessons unless I can make a full commitment to it.
-- I don't argue with anyone. I sit quietly or I walk out outside & help a friend who provides a food give a way in the church parking lot.
-- I keep my distance. My calling is Family History. (No body asks questions or asks for help. I do like to do the research. (I found my place.)

Your list may differ. I only put mine up there to show you that you do have options.

[Carburettor]

5. I have outside organizations & activities from church.

Great point! I mean, really great. I used to believe that my most wholesome associations would be found within a circle of gospel-centric friends. I couldn't have been more wrong.

During the pandemic, I realised I was starved of friendships beyond my immediate family (whom I love, but that's not the point). As soon as local laws permitted, I initiated a weekly Friday-evening ping-pong event at the chapel with a couple of other members of similar age. No one else was interested, but it spurred me on to set up an elders quorum WhatsApp group for the express purpose of arranging activities. I organised a couple of hikes, but no one attended — so I hiked alone. And then, within a couple of weeks, the group deteriorated into a chat room for jokes and arranging teaching or service assignments. I renamed the group from "Elders Quorum Activities" to just "Elders Quorum" and muted it for me.

I have since focused on organisations and activities outside church — basically, with people who aren't coerced into being together. I'm a member of two evening sports clubs, and I regularly hike with Facebook groups focused on that interest. I once thought it would be great to foster supportive relationships with my EQ brothers, but that ship has sailed.

[Old-Timer]

[Moderator note: First, personal attacks are not allowed here. Period. No exceptions, no matter what. Venting can be healing, but it also can be cancerous if automatic and unfocused and delivered to those trying to help. Any more will be deleted without explanation.

Second, counselors are individuals, and LDS counselors are as different from each other as any other commonality among any other group of counselors. This is not the place to disparage and insult and condemn any broad group of diverse people. Anger at one’s own experiences is fine, and it can be discussed here. Broad, sweeping insults are not.

Third, counseling is a worthy profession and desperately needed by many people. It can occur in numerous forms, one of which is professional, licensed counseling. The quality of any form, including professional, varies widely.

Fourth, for clarification only, even professional counseling has free options, including recently from counselors working for the LDS Church. That counseling has been free to people who were not able to pay for a long time, but it now is free to all who are served - a change that was announced to local leaders earlier this year.]

On a personal note, I feel for you, kotm. My only advice from decades of experiences with very diverse people is that you need to do whatever you can to let go of your deep anger (Disdain is not healthy.) and pursue whatever life you choose that will bring you peace. In or out of the LDS Church is your choice. If you choose to stay, we are here for you. If you choose to leave and want advice about how to do it in as healthy a way as possible, we are here for you. If we cannot help you, God bless you on your journey.