How to not let your disdain for behavior of other members drive you away?

[kotm]

I know I have hinted at this in multiple posts. But I just cannot for the life of me seem to get over this barrier with regards to the church. Like if I were to be honest with you, I hold a ton of disdain for members of the church due to my experiences with them. Growing up and onto the present. I even had a recent interaction online a week ago that sent me through the roof and just pissed me off. I am inching closer and closer to getting endowed, but these thoughts continue to live in my head, rent free. I often replay all the mean things and actions members of the church have done towards me. It just makes me incredibly angry.

It's just funny how one's childhood can often follow them. And I react more and more with more rage every single time. It is like reopening old wounds. Old wounds I can't seem to heal from. It's not good for my mental health, my physical health and so on.

I just feel things are hanging on a thread for me right now. And I really can't confide in anyone right now. If I saw an LDS therapist they would blame me, like they have in the past. If I confided in other members, they would just get defensive. If I confided in a non-member they wouldn't understand some of these dynamics, same goes for a non-lds therapist. I do confide with my sister who is no longer active. Seems she's the only one that can understand. I don't want to confide with my parents, mostly because I don't want them to hear another story of me being treated poorly. I'm sure they'd be sympathetic and understanding, but I don't want to put that burden on them.

[AmyJ]

I have read through this question a few times now... and I wind up with more questions:)
A) People are good, bad, thoughtful, thoughtless, and all the directions possible.
B) The point of view we bring to the table, the experience is a game-changer. Our perception of a situation determines a lot of the meaning of any given situation.

C) I get the sense from your post that there is a lot of anger, dis-ease and discontent based on interacting with others. Maybe there is stuff going on subconsciously that needs to be eased, soothed, processed, and contented before you take the next step in becoming endowed.

D) The book by C.S. Lewis called "The Screwtape Letters" has quite a few passages about how people's dealings with each other to focus on disconnect and offense are not necessarily the way to being the best Christian possible - that might help ease some of the sting you are expressing dealing with fellow humans.

My experience may not be helpful though - I found myself in relation to God similar to post Garden of Eden cast off and pre-angelic attendants and truth... I do feel that if there is a God, like Adam, I am waiting for the "further light and knowledge God promised to send" and I am not confident in the messengers that say they are from God right now.

[DarkJedi]

This is a question for your therapist. If you believe your LDS therapist is not cutting it try a non-LDS therapist or a different LDS one. Sometimes therapists tell us stuff (or help us to recognize stuff for ourselves) that we don't want to hear. That doesn't mean their wrong.

[kotm]

I have read through this question a few times now... and I wind up with more questions:)
A) People are good, bad, thoughtful, thoughtless, and all the directions possible.
B) The point of view we bring to the table, the experience is a game-changer. Our perception of a situation determines a lot of the meaning of any given situation.

C) I get the sense from your post that there is a lot of anger, dis-ease and discontent based on interacting with others. Maybe there is stuff going on subconsciously that needs to be eased, soothed, processed, and contented before you take the next step in becoming endowed.

D) The book by C.S. Lewis called "The Screwtape Letters" has quite a few passages about how people's dealings with each other to focus on disconnect and offense are not necessarily the way to being the best Christian possible - that might help ease some of the sting you are expressing dealing with fellow humans.

My experience may not be helpful though - I found myself in relation to God similar to post Garden of Eden cast off and pre-angelic attendants and truth... I do feel that if there is a God, like Adam, I am waiting for the "further light and knowledge God promised to send" and I am not confident in the messengers that say they are from God right now.

I think you nailed it with point ''C'' here to be honest. There is a ton of anger related to instances of being mistreated. Mistreated by fellow members growing up, and even Youth leaders. I know exactly who it was, their names, their faces and exactly what they did to me. What really pisses me off most is seeing those who treated me so poorly are basically winning at life. Meanwhile, everyday is a struggle thanks to the trauma these people have caused me. Feels like there's no justice and they'll never have to face the consequences for their actions. I have severe anxiety, can't seem to make friends, can't seem to date. (lds girls just aren't interested in me). All thanks to these people. There's a wedge, a mental block there that's preventing me from moving forward. From socializing within the church, etc. I always look around and see people dating, and often wonder wtf is wrong with me. Often times I really feel like I wasn't even meant to be.

[kotm]

This is a question for your therapist. If you believe your LDS therapist is not cutting it try a non-LDS therapist or a different LDS one. Sometimes therapists tell us (or help us to recognize stuff for ourselves) that we don't want to hear. That doesn't mean their wrong.

That's a good point. I am not seeing a therapist as of right now, but am currently in the process of trying to find one.

[Roy]

I think you nailed it with point ''C'' here to be honest. There is a ton of anger related to instances of being mistreated. Mistreated by fellow members growing up, and even Youth leaders. I know exactly who it was, their names, their faces and exactly what they did to me. What really pisses me off most is seeing those who treated me so poorly are basically winning at life.

I was bullied as a child. I know some things about being mistreated. I suppose I take some satisfaction imagining that at least the ringleaders would have been unsuccessful at life. I also think that marginalized millennial groups have long looked forward to the day when their tormentors would receive their comeuppance (I think this explains lots of end of days prophecy TBH). Life, unfortunately is pretty unfair. People are assigned advantages and disadvantages randomly through genetics and circumstance. Sometimes the behavior that gets rewarded is not what we would hope and strive for.

Meanwhile, everyday is a struggle thanks to the trauma these people have caused me. Feels like there's no justice and they'll never have to face the consequences for their actions. I have severe anxiety, can't seem to make friends, can't seem to date. (lds girls just aren't interested in me). All thanks to these people.

I feel like we all get to tell our own story and become the hero in it. I believe that the mistreatment that you have received is real. I also believe that giving them (these people) power to keep you down is unhelpful. I am not naïve enough to believe that you can overcome through the power of positivity or some type of platitude like that. However, there are some circular logic traps that can be difficult to escape from. For a hypothetical example, "I can't do it so why try" becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I would do whatever I could to free myself from a worldview where I am trapped by what others have done to me. I do think a therapist or counselor could help to find ways to get unstuck from these thought patterns.

The question is "How to not let your disdain for behavior of other members drive you away?"
For me it is not a matter of no letting others drive me away but rather doing what I can to care for myself and my wellbeing by putting myself in good environments, setting boundaries, and working to build supportive relationships (friend, mentor, co-worker, etc.). The most important part (regardless of whether I "go" or "stay") is that I don't end up carrying the prison with me.

[Carburettor]

That's a good point. I am not seeing a therapist as of right now, but am currently in the process of trying to find one.

Nothing personal, but the American obsession with therapy really irks me. It's such a first-world compulsion. The vast majority of humanity has no access to therapists to help unravel their angst and mistreatment at the hands of others.

Personally, I feel that if the gospel were doing its job properly, there would be no need for such support.

Why should you or anyone else have to pay for the services of a third party to help you resolve conflict in a religious setting? To me, "conflict in a religious setting" reflects poorly on everyone.

[DarkJedi]

Mod note: Let's be very careful here. Mental illness is an illness just like cancer, diabetes or the flu. It is true that Americans seem to be more therapist (psychologist/psychiatrist) oriented than most other places in the world. Despite the shortcomings of our medical system, Americans do generally have more access to health care than most of the world, and this would include mental health. It is not anyone's place to disparage anyone for seeking out health care of any kind (even when the church may be the root agitator of some mental health issues). End mod note.

While in my earlier post I did suggest to the OP that this would be a good question for their therapist, it is not an inappropriate question for here either. I actually relate to the question and I'm interested in the answers. I wouldn't necessarily use the term disdain for my own feelings, but I could. Frankly, there are members of my ward/stake that just rub me the wrong way and much of that has to do with their own dogma and the way they present their dogma. I am far from eager to sit through testimony meetings in a room full of parrots. Usually a sort of "live and let live, to each their own" approach works for me - but not always and not necessarily for more than a few minutes.

[AmyJ]

Mod note: Let's be very careful here. Mental illness is an illness just like cancer, diabetes or the flu. It is true that Americans seem to be more therapist (psychologist/psychiatrist) oriented than most other places in the world. Despite the shortcomings of our medical system, Americans do generally have more access to health care than most of the world, and this would include mental health. It is not anyone's place to disparage anyone for seeking out health care of any kind (even when the church may be the root agitator of some mental health issues). End mod note.

While in my earlier post I did suggest to the OP that this would be a good question for their therapist, it is not an inappropriate question for here either. I actually relate to the question and I'm interested in the answers. I wouldn't necessarily use the term disdain for my own feelings, but I could. Frankly, there are members of my ward/stake that just rub me the wrong way and much of that has to do with their own dogma and the way they present their dogma. I am far from eager to sit through testimony meetings in a room full of parrots. Usually a sort of "live and let live, to each their own" approach works for me - but not always and not necessarily for more than a few minutes.

1. I think that women in history (past/present/future) actually did a lot of unpaid "social work" and "therapy" in small groups and 1 on 1 as they banded together to raise children and support husbands. Having born 2 children (and dealt with anxiety and depression both times), and having been in therapy - my experience has been that there is a fair amount of overlap between the conversations I have in therapy, and the key conversations I have had with other women. So, if anything - I think that the need for "therapy" and "social work" has been there and has been being fulfilled to a degree for eons - and that it's in the last 100 years that it became specialized enough to be worthy of being paid for as a medical expense:)

1A. I have no idea whether men's social groups functioned the same way, but I would theorize that it did on some levels sometimes. I think the epic levels of male depression and higher rates of male suicide are in part linked on some level to not providing social supports useful for men (and related to power dynamics and economic inequality and accessibility too probably - another topic for another day). I think that an unintended consequence for the rise in video gaming and TV sports is that these activities can be enjoyed in isolation quite easily.

NOTE: In other words, I contest that it is an "American thing" and propose that it might be "American" in the sense that capitalism sees the need to pay for it (and the means to do so on some level)

2. I did have a certain level of disdain for a member of the branch who was in leadership when I was attending. I actually liked this individual personally at first and thought they were very intelligent and organized. This individual acted in a situation that came across in my perspective as dismissive of the needs of my family and putting their need to be "right" and "not accountable for contributing to the situation" over connecting to me or showing sympathy for how the situation turned out. It was YEARS after the fact that I came to realize that the core problem was that I expected to be treated as the Subject Matter Expert/Presider over the experience - and because of my gender, I was not. The individual thought it was best to work through my husband instead of contacting me with information even though I had asked directly for that information and was culturally accountable for that information. Another few weeks of processing, and I was able to dissolve that distain into understanding of why things went down that way and certainty of other ways to work around that. I also never intend to put myself in that circumstance again.

[kotm]

That's a good point. I am not seeing a therapist as of right now, but am currently in the process of trying to find one.

Nothing personal, but the American obsession with therapy really irks me. It's such a first-world compulsion. The vast majority of humanity has no access to therapists to help unravel their angst and mistreatment at the hands of others.

Personally, I feel that if the gospel were doing its job properly, there would be no need for such support.

Why should you or anyone else have to pay for the services of a third party to help you resolve conflict in a religious setting? To me, "conflict in a religious setting" reflects poorly on everyone.

I guess you were lucky enough to not have gone through the trauma I have gone through in the church. So why would I seek help from within when that very institution is soely responsible for my truama?