Hoping to Be a Support to DH Here

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Joined: 04 Aug 2019, 10:08

Hoping to Be a Support to DH Here

Post by EsraWeaver » 04 Aug 2019, 16:20

My family converted when I was 8. I have had a phenomenal spectrum of spiritual experiences over the years, but I admit to recently struggling with church policies. I am a hundred percent converted to my belief in a loving Heavenly Father and the availability of personal revelation to each of us. However, even with that belief, I can't help DH as he struggles to find his place in God's love. I joined primarily for the sake of ease in communicating with him when he posts questions and receives answers here.

I'm very happy there is a place where he can explore his doubts without feeling diminished or criticized.

I've had many callings from ward magazine representative to RS Pres to primary teacher and seminary teacher. Lately, it has become a very real chore and challenge to attend regularly. We have two special needs children, and my perception of what is "expected" as a Good Mormon Family and Good Mormon Mom has shifted so drastically that it is practically unrecognizable now. I am happy when the kids arrive in clean clothes and don't pee in them as soon as we arrive. Suits and ties for the boys? Dress for daughter on the Autism spectrum? No and no. I make DD with ASD take off her dog harness (she loves wearing it) before we go inside. So in addition to supporting DH, I guess I also struggle with profound feelings of disappointment when focus is turned on silly things like whether we should be allowed to wear flip-flops to church. I would say we are blessed to live in a ward where everyone knows us and loves our wacky kids and accepts them. Maybe the true battle is in my own head of what I grew up seeing (my mom's BFF was RS Pres with eight kids and they all dressed impeccably and behaved impeccably and somehow that became my internal standard of what it should be like?)

With the pressure cooker of special needs brewing in our home daily, things like ministering fall by the wayside, and I share in DH's feelings of guilt when we're not serving others. I signed up to take meals to families two funerals in a row, and the last one landed on such a difficult day re: therapy appointments and meltdowns and stress that I told myself to stop volunteering for things. On the one hand it seems like a cop-out to say we *are* serving-our special needs children. On the other hand, that's pretty much all we have the energy to do. Sorry, this ended up long.

I'm mid-40s, live in the Midwest USA, married 26 years, 6 kids with three of them adults and three at home, two of whom have ASD and ADHD respectively. I'm an author and reluctant puppy owner. lol.

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Re: Hoping to Be a Support to DH Here

Post by Roy » 04 Aug 2019, 17:56

Welcome Esra,

My son has ASD and that has caused us to totally rethink how we parent. He is not only resistant to authoritative parenting but it seems to do actual harm to him. "Children do well when they can!" Children do well when they have all of the resources and supports necessary to do well.
EsraWeaver wrote:
04 Aug 2019, 16:20
I would say we are blessed to live in a ward where everyone knows us and loves our wacky kids and accepts them. Maybe the true battle is in my own head of what I grew up seeing
In some respects it does really take a village to raise a child. I am thankful for community support and positive adult role modeling that my children have in the LDS church. It sounds like you have found a relatively good support structure and that has value IMO. My son is now a deacon and passes the sacrament. The ward leadership has been reasonably accommodating in helping roy jr. to be included and successful at this activity. I believe that doing this can be positive for his self-esteem.

It is really amazing that you are able to be such a support for your husband. Faith transitions can be tricky and even quality - well intentioned spouses can have difficulty dealing with them. May God bless your family and your marriage.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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Re: Hoping to Be a Support to DH Here

Post by DarkJedi » 05 Aug 2019, 10:27

Welcome. You have landed in a safe place. One of the things some people here find useful, although not necessarily easy, is to let go of the guilt/fear. I think guilt and fear are kind of interchangeable in this situation because I don't think we're necessarily feeling guilt for something we did "wrong" or some sinful behavior, rather it's more fear - fear of what others (including family) think, fear of loss of blessings and/or "punishment," etc. If you can manage to do it peace will come. Don't take this the wrong way, read it all before you get offended. Repent. That is, turn toward Christ and the Heavenly Parents you already believe love you. Would they scold you for what you're doing? Do they really care if you wear a dress or whit shirt or not? If the actual words of Christ in the New testament are any indication, no, they don't care. To them we're all their special needs children. Repent in the true meaning of the word and you will find peace.
Too many people consider repentance as punishment—something to be avoided except in the most serious circumstances. But this feeling of being penalized is engendered by Satan. He tries to block us from looking to Jesus Christ,3 who stands with open arms, hoping and willing to heal, forgive, cleanse, strengthen, purify, and sanctify us.

The word for repentance in the Greek New Testament is metanoeo. The prefix meta- means “change.” The suffix -noeo is related to Greek words that mean “mind,” “knowledge,” “spirit,” and “breath.”

Thus, when Jesus asks you and me to “repent,” He is inviting us to change our mind, our knowledge, our spirit—even the way we breathe. He is asking us to change the way we love, think, serve, spend our time, treat our wives, teach our children, and even care for our bodies.

Nothing is more liberating, more ennobling, or more crucial to our individual progression than is a regular, daily focus on repentance. Repentance is not an event; it is a process. It is the key to happiness and peace of mind. When coupled with faith, repentance opens our access to the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
(RMN, April 2019 GC)

And here's another oldie but goodie: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/stu ... e?lang=eng
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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Re: Hoping to Be a Support to DH Here

Post by Minyan Man » 06 Aug 2019, 08:48

Welcome & keep coming back. This is a great place to come for ideas & help to navigate through our LDS life.
(I'm short on time for now.)

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