GC is difficult for us Adult Children

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SamBee
Posts: 5641
Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: GC is difficult for us Adult Children

Post by SamBee » 06 Apr 2021, 15:01

Ebowalker wrote:
06 Apr 2021, 06:06
SamBee wrote:
06 Apr 2021, 03:09
My father especially troubles me. I think he was a good man, although difficult sometimes. But I don't agree with how he raised me. He beat me with a stick a few times, and I don't cherish that memory. But he also helped me when I was scared of the dark or in trouble at school. He was a lot more successful than I ever have been and I fall continually under that shadow.
ACA is about dealing with dysfunction in a family no matter the level. Check out The Laundry List and see if you have any of the traits, such as fear of authority, confusing pity and love etc...many people in the programme feel a loyalty to their parents but ACA focuses on you, not your family of origin. For 50 years I denied that I was ever abused, but when I carefully examined it,I was shocked. In our society we are told to just suck it up and move on but adult children have to deal with their past in order to "grow up" otherwise they stay that 6yo. Even in this past conference we were told to "forget the past". I wish humans were that simple but we just aren't. Neglect, for example, is abuse. so is beating a child to punish them though it is widely accepted. The original action is unimportant, it's the emotional scars that we develop to survive that really hurt us.

Remember that your parents or their parents may have been adult children, it's called generational grief and it's passed down to their children. So, even though you may not have had drunks or abusers for parents, they may have come from that. It's worth examining.
I've come to see my parents as complex people. I understand some of their motives now. Some of their behavior was cultural as much as personal.

I think my main problem with them was not what they did to me specifically but that they handed me over repeatedly to people who assaulted me. I don't think they meant to, but they did. They were taken in by people who said one thing and did another. Their biggest mistake was sending me to a boarding school when I was very young. Even when those places are well run they create permanent psychological issues by breaking the bond between a child and home.
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

Ebowalker
Posts: 22
Joined: 03 Aug 2015, 05:37

Re: GC is difficult for us Adult Children

Post by Ebowalker » 07 Apr 2021, 20:34

DarkJedi wrote:
06 Apr 2021, 07:13
I cringe every time we sing I Am a Child of God. Not even close to everybody's parents are "kind and dear" (members of the CoJCoLdS included).
I don’t know why this song would ever be acceptable. Is this Church so insular that they actually believe everyone has parents kind and dear? It’s like forcing children to sing “I love that my parents chose to marry in the temple” when we know that’s not true of so many of our Primary children. Why not be inclusive instead of exclusive?

Yeah I know, I’m the odd man out.

Roy
Posts: 6268
Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: GC is difficult for us Adult Children

Post by Roy » 08 Apr 2021, 09:04

Ebowalker wrote:
07 Apr 2021, 20:34
I don’t know why this song would ever be acceptable. Is this Church so insular that they actually believe everyone has parents kind and dear? It’s like forcing children to sing “I love that my parents chose to marry in the temple” when we know that’s not true of so many of our Primary children. Why not be inclusive instead of exclusive?
I do not think the church leadership is able to reflect on itself in this way. They see themselves as highlighting the ideal. The primary song “The
Family is of God,” which was written by Matthew Neeley in 2008, is much more explicit than "I am a child of God" in expressing that family ideal. It describes the separate roles for men and women and how they are designed by God for our happiness and eternal development. I was in primary as a teacher when this song came out. It was part of the new curriculum that was required (Yes, the decision that this particular song would be memorized by the primary children in our ward was made high above the ward or stake level). I had met with the Primary President at that time and asked that we make an effort to describe how even though the song only describes one family composition, there are many different family compositions and all are helpful and valuable.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

NoahVail
Posts: 62
Joined: 02 Mar 2013, 22:03

Re: GC is difficult for us Adult Children

Post by NoahVail » 08 Apr 2021, 09:23

I am full of thinking about this OP.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
I came from an abusive, alcoholic and dysfunctional family.
Woohoo! Nice to meet a fellow abusee. For the record, been-abused humor is a thing with me.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families.
Suddenly, I want a business card.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
We share common negative traits and one of them is black and white thinking, so I have to be very careful with General Conference.
I've done a fair job moving away from black & white thinking over the last decade.
However, this has wondering if BWT indicates a history of abuse in others. Perhaps. Needs more thought.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
Every talk that begins with a speaker talking about his/her wonderful family is difficult for me. Having the choir sing "I am a Child of God" (...and he has sent me here. has given me an earthly home, with PARENTS KIND AND DEAR) is an automatic shut down
I am viscerally repulsed by this hymn, every time I hear it. I've always thought it was because it's a funeral dirge written for 4yos but maybe there's more to it.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
GC speaker theme of constantly mentioning the death of some family member will only get a response of "well, try dealing with that as a 6 years old" from me. I do try to not put this through a mental filter but it is so hard when it is so ingrained.
Are you saying you were 6 when your parents passed away?

Now more about me.
I personally identify as a latent 6yo because I ID with that Cardissian who was holding Picard hostage.
&
I haven't had any family members die yet that I'm in a hurry to see again. (brother, not really. mom, okay maybe but she needed death. dad, not a chance in hell, other relatives, not especially)
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
The Red Flag for me was Pres Nelson's Sunday morning talk:
Your mountains will vary. And yet the answer to each of your challenges is to increase your faith. That takes work .
Lazy learners and lax disciples will always struggle to muster even a particle of faith.
To do anything well requires effort.
This has been garnering a lot of discussion.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
I have struggled with my faith in the last few years because of intense harassment that happened when I was in the army that just triggered so much childhood pain in me. I hit bottom as far as faith is concerned. It is very painful to be in recovery and having your highest leader, tell you that you are a lazy learner and lax disciple because of the survival skills you developed as a traumatized child. Those words shot through me like a knife. Recovery is HARD work.
This sort of speaks to your point. I'm coming to associate ADD with PTSD, in that our reward mechanism is stunted. We don't get satisfaction from typical levels of learning (or receive expected caution for some levels of risk). It takes a lot result before we feel reward, which makes the process very unpredictable for us.

I have personally found that this (and some other conditions that have me misunderstanding communication) leads to my inability to discern a whispering spirit or perceive blessings.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
I am really hoping someone can help me interpret this in a better way. I get it, he is a very elderly man, comes from a very different generation and experience from me, he is using language that resonates with him.
I am inclined to set this aside for the moment...
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
This is language that seems to motivate people raised in healthy environments, but certainly never in unhealthy homes.
...set that aside in favor of THIS.
I grant that Elder Holland occasionally acknowledges our existence. Past that, GAs sometimes send a nod in our general direction (sucks that you got abused but Jesus still loves you) but this seems to be where our reality begins and ends with them.

I think the practical result of this is a default member mindset that renders our reality taboo.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
But why use negative language like this when talking to millions of people of various backgrounds?
Two possible reasons are because GAs are ill equipped or because normies may be distressed or confused in the presence of our reality.
Ebowalker wrote:
05 Apr 2021, 10:03
My psychologist is very quick to point out that "tough love" and critical parenting DOES NOT WORK and leaves deep scars.
Yep. It's nothing but parenting for the parent's sake.

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