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Re: Coming clean

Posted: 13 Oct 2016, 10:12
by mom3
I already feel I have hijacked this thread to talk about ME! Apologies to Always Thinking.
Always Thinking and Looking Hard - I see you as having the same struggle. It is one everyone of has/had (depending on the day and situation). As an admin, I don't see LH has hijacking the thread. The topics are the same. How do we share or work with others and express what is important to us.

And yes, lurkers watch these threads especially.

I am glad they come up. Even if our approaches are different this is a key part of the growth and rebuilding for everyone.

Re: Coming clean

Posted: 13 Oct 2016, 12:37
by DarkJedi
mom3 wrote:
I already feel I have hijacked this thread to talk about ME! Apologies to Always Thinking.
Always Thinking and Looking Hard - I see you as having the same struggle. It is one everyone of has/had (depending on the day and situation). As an admin, I don't see LH has hijacking the thread. The topics are the same. How do we share or work with others and express what is important to us.

And yes, lurkers watch these threads especially.

I am glad they come up. Even if our approaches are different this is a key part of the growth and rebuilding for everyone.
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Re: Coming clean

Posted: 13 Oct 2016, 13:23
by SunbeltRed
Great advice here!

A couple of observations from my own journey:

1) While processing I wanted to vent and purge and talk Mormonism all the time...all the time. As I have moved past that phase into a healthier and more peaceful co-existence with Mormonism I am glad I didn't post a coming out letter or have a sit down with my leadership. I have moved into a much more live and let live phase.

2) I am not out with parents yet, but I know that conversation is coming because I am currently on sabbatical, which I think will turn into an indefinite hiatus. I still hang out with Mormons, have lunch with friends. I don't ever bring up church anymore. I have been asked a few times, "What's your calling now?" by a few friends. And inevitably they want to understand why I haven't had a calling for 6 months after being on the High Council and I simply respond: "I'm on sabbatical". If they want more I simply shrug my shoulders and say: "It's not really working for me right now." If anyone wants more information after that I'm happy to discuss, but nobody has really wanted to get any further down the discussion path. I have found that to be a pretty good approach. Sometimes I want people to ask about my church attendance so I can tell them I am on sabbatical so I can air it out, but I don't push it because I realize that's about me and not anyone else.

Per your desire to live more authentically, if you want to dress differently or just live as you want, just do it. Don't worry about what other people will think. Have a smile ready in case you see anyone, have kind words ready, a compliment, ask them about their kids or whatever. People may judge you, may not want to talk to anymore or be your friend, but that means they weren't really a true friend to begin with. If it's family you are worried about that adds another element, and you will have to judge what approach might be best.

Anyway, all the best on the journey.

Re: Coming clean

Posted: 13 Oct 2016, 15:50
by Ann
Always Thinking - I identify with the emotion of your comments about garments and will just stick to that. You seem to care a LOT, as did I, about how others view you, and accept a definition of "temple-worthy" completely outside yourself. Very much depends on your specifics, your husband, your bishop, how nosy and judgmental your MIL/friends/etc. are, but all I can say is that my life got so much happier when I decided that garment-wearing is my own business.

I don't say this to push you to violate your conscience. I just know that what was operating in me wasn't really my conscience. It was passivity and fear. If you don't feel comfortable talking about specifics in the thread, feel free to message me. Good luck. Some women don't give garments a thought; some women feel their femininity draining out of them the minute they go on. I was closer to the second extreme. I like where I am now. I don't resent them when I do wear them because it's really my choice. My thinking about them is kinder.

Re: Coming clean

Posted: 15 Oct 2016, 05:26
by DarkJedi
SunbeltRed wrote:1) While processing I wanted to vent and purge and talk Mormonism all the time...all the time. As I have moved past that phase into a healthier and more peaceful co-existence with Mormonism I am glad I didn't post a coming out letter or have a sit down with my leadership. I have moved into a much more live and let live phase.
This part resonated with me, particularly the highlighted part. I recognize SBR has taken a different route than I have and that he is in a different place, nevertheless in this respect we are very much in the same place.

Re: Coming clean

Posted: 11 Aug 2017, 06:37
by AmyJ
SilentDawning wrote:
11 Oct 2016, 20:41

But with the spouse, that is the problem. Coming out can really hurt your marriage in the long run

For me, the marriage is more important than the discomfort of being compliant or outwardly observant. So, I don't give honest, blunt expressions about my church problems to my wife. It upsets her, but she is OK if I go to church, do my calling and try to be supportive. So, I don't talk about it with her.
The irony is that my husband is now TBM (including being more devout), and I am... more authentic? more thoughtful? Life gets interesting now because I know that he can't share my questions or understand where I am coming from in my thoughts - not that he doesn't want to, I just know it doesn't make sense to him.
SilentDawning wrote:
11 Oct 2016, 20:41

Also, the leaders who interview for TR's don't have this massive discernment they sometimes claim. I think all they have is their empathy (and many lack it entirely) to read emotions. So, if you are relaxed and not obviously shaken in answering "yes" to questions about belief you should be fine.

Also, I think many leaders would like to be spared opening a can of worms when you are nakedly blunt about your feelings. They might feel they have to take your TR away simply due to your wording or the rawness of your feelings right now, but if they knew you felt that way, but answered Yes to the TR questions, might be relieved they didn't have to open that can of worms.
I agree. It actually made me feel a little better to read this in black and white.