Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

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whatnow
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Joined: 05 Jun 2018, 16:41

Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by whatnow » 13 Jun 2018, 15:41

Thank you all for your kind responses and best wishes. Specially mfree6464 , that came back! To him, I wanna say that I understand the grief, and is real. Being on the "exception" side, as he calls is, of the people that really did everything right, does make it harder, for sure. Not because I regret, but because just make the hole thing even more unfair.

mfree6464 , I"m sorry to hear that the pain is still there. I had hight hopes that time would make it go away somehow =/

I'm even more sorry to hear that your faith in church has being shake, because I truly, honest believe that without the Lord by now, I would be much, much worst than I am ( and I'm pretty bad myself). For many days, I also prayed for help, for the Lord to easy my pain, and felt that I had no anwser. So I just keep reading my scriptures more and watching conference talks about forgiveness and atonement, and those help me, for a short time, mainly because I can feel the spirit during those minutes.

I do believe that sometime we have to learn to be strong without complete comfort and help from above, because those are the times that we actually grow.

I followed the ( very wise) council of people here and looked for help. It has being about 11 months now that my husband told me he does not believe in God anymore and 9 weeks since I know about his past, and till 2 week ago I was a completely mess. After talking with a life coach a couple times, she told me that even if my pain for the lies was normal, my obsessive thoughts about my husband 24/7 was not. She understood that the lack of trust I have on him now would make me want to know what he was doing all the time, but that this was not healthy for me. So after many prayer and fasting I decided to search a psychiatrist, like a real doctor. I told him everything, every issue, every pain. According to him, the stress was too much and for too long for my brain to cope.

The "betrayal" of my husband losing his faith, plus finding out about the times he drank, plus finding out about the intimacies of his past, plus the fact that he lied for 12 years, all in a short period of time, has caused me to a medium depression state, were I could not see things objectively any more.

I would wake up many times during the night thinking about that, and loose my temper with my ( poor) kids for no reason, and had lost weight for the lack of appetite. Plus, of course, not being able to look to my husband without feeling pain and hate.

So he prescribe me some anti depressive pills. I have being taking those for a little over 1 week now. I believe that its helping a lot. The problems are still there, but now I have the control in my mind to push the thoughts away when they came. I can talk with my husband about it without crying if I need to. The feeling are still there, but are not SO extreme, does this make sense?

For the first time, I look to my husband and, like was said before, and fell some pain, but also pity. I see someone that was lost as a teenager, and is lost again now, and need help.

And more important, I see myself as someone that need to be strong, because Heavenly Father wants me to grow, and this is my Getsemani time. I had 30 year with joy and peace, and I believe that the Lord trusted me to go through this and survive, and learn.

Sometimes I felt was unfair that I did not experience all the "fun and crazy things" other people ( like my husband) did in the past. But most of the time I am grateful I did not, that I was clean. Because I didn't did that for my future husband, I did it for me, and for the Lord. And being clean and pure made me happy, and save me from much sorrow. I still believe in the prodigal son parable, and even being happy that the younger son was forgiven I also believe that the faithful son will receive more, I do believe that it ALL will count in the end, because God is kind, but is also and ultimately FAIR.

You can learn from your past mistakes, but you can learn more by being clean, humble, and pure. Jesus was perfect, so the nearest we can be to that, the better.

The scriptures say that Nefi and Moroni, even being so great, had a life full of sorrow. So why should I expect different? I'm trying hard to focus less on my relationship with my husband ( a not perfect person that will hurt me many times) and more with the Lord, that will not let me down ( even if we fell that he is not there for some period of time mfree6464). Lets hang in there.

Thanks for your support, all! Really!

Curt Sunshine
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Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by Curt Sunshine » 13 Jun 2018, 17:13

Is the whole "licked cupcake" analogy still a thing?
Elder Holland condemned all analogies like that in General Conference, so it shouldn't be a thing, but some people just can't let go of the incorrect traditions of their fathers.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

Roy
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Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by Roy » 14 Jun 2018, 09:52

whatnow,

I am so very pleased that you have found some help and the medication is helping.
whatnow wrote:
13 Jun 2018, 15:41
I didn't did that for my future husband, I did it for me, and for the Lord. And being clean and pure made me happy, and save me from much sorrow.
What a beautiful sentiment. I love that.

I have found the song "Broken Together" by Casting Crowns to be helpful when there are divisions between me and my wife. As you had stated, "I see someone that was lost as a teenager, and is lost again now, and need help." Inside he is still a broken child that lashes out sometimes but ultimately yearns for love and acceptance - as are we all.
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhxELo-uD3c
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

Groundhog
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Joined: 01 Apr 2020, 20:36

Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by Groundhog » 02 Apr 2020, 06:58

It's weird to read mfree's post because they feel almost exactly like my thoughts going through my head right now. there's been so many instances where what mfree typed is something that went through my head exactly. I feel like this topic comes back up every couple of years.

But I've been thinking about this long and often enough that I finally googled to see if anybody was dealing with what I was dealing with. I've asked people, and most of the time I get the same advice, advice that has been shared here too in this thread. And to be honest, it's advice I would give to someone else if the roles were reversed. So why is it so hard then to get this out of my head? I know the right answer, yet somehow it's not connecting.

Mfree's situation mirror mine somewhat, only I'm not married, or even engaged yet. But I've found out things recently. My gf has been completely open, forthcoming, and honest and I appreciate that. It must have been extremely difficult for her. We're in love, compatible, and believe we can share a future together so I can say I'd marry her. Thinking about everything, there's no reason I wouldn't. And yet I know if I move forward this will be something that might stick around for a long time. Like mfree, but maybe not to his extent, I love my gf. She's the best thing that's happened to me. Ironically, the more I love her, the more it also hurts. It scares me to know that mfree was still dealing with it 2 years after he learned about it and even with other things going on. It feels like its a snapshot of what my future might be and to think that I might learn about more stuff later also scares me.

I've heard all the advice. I know the scriptures. I know the doctrine. I know its a DUMB thing to get hung up on. I feel so stupid for having it circle my head so much. Everything from the possession thing to the culture thing I've heard and understood. There are so much bigger problems in the world right now. I suppose it's because of our expectations and our upbringing. To believe and have lived so much the law of chastity and then to suddenly realize that most of the rest of the church doesn't care? To also know, like mfree said, that no matter what happens, my gf will always be connected in a sacred way to someone else for the rest of eternity. Maybe it's pride and ego. But I've rationalized everything else away EXCEPT for that last part.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It's been years since the last post on this thread. I guess its cathartic to read exactly someone else who felt the same way, who has struggled with it the same way, and thus, scary at the same time. I can't go backwards, but I know going forwards is gonna suck in its own way. I can only pray and hope that I find something within myself or some piece of logic that hasn't been found yet to help me process everything. I've hoped that I can see the bigger picture and that things heal with time. Which makes mfree's updates concerning. But we are not the same person, despite how similar things have been in this specific situation. The only thing I can do is forge my own path

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nibbler
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Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by nibbler » 02 Apr 2020, 20:29

Groundhog wrote:
02 Apr 2020, 06:58
I've heard all the advice. I know the scriptures. I know the doctrine. I know its a DUMB thing to get hung up on. I feel so stupid for having it circle my head so much.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it's not dumb, it's normal. Many people feel the same way. It's not an easy thing to process and it's okay when things take time.

I've thought about it some, not nearly enough. I'll give some comments, feel free to correct me and help me gain perspective.

I think one contributing factor is that people want to feel like they are special in the eyes of someone that is special to them. Maybe us biological creatures have become hardwired to view sex as something that solidifies that specialness.

Watching a movie with your significant other. They watch movies with other people, how are we special?
Going out to a restaurant. They go out to eat with other people, how are we special?
Texting and touching base throughout the day. They do that with all their friends, how are we special?
A kiss. Many people have kissed other people, how are we special?

And eventually we land on sex. Something very intimate between two people, especially for a species evolved to be monogamous. If a partner has a sexual history it could leave one asking, how are we special? Back to the drawing board.

Maybe it helps strengthen relationships to have unique shared experiences?

If I'm way off base it wouldn't be the first time. Feel free to correct or ignore. :P
Cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always.
— Hippocrates

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Cadence
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Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by Cadence » 03 Apr 2020, 14:51

Count yourself lucky you have a spouse with a sexual nature. Maybe all those great years you have had are somewhat attributable to their behaviors before they met you. Dont look down on something that is a benefit.


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Faith, as well intentioned as it may be, must be built on facts, not fiction--faith in fiction is a damnable false hope. Thomas A. Edison

“The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it.” Neil deGrasse Tyson

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LDS_Scoutmaster
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Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 04 Apr 2020, 15:56

Groundhog wrote:
02 Apr 2020, 06:58

My gf has been completely open, forthcoming, and honest and I appreciate that. It must have been extremely difficult for her. We're in love, compatible, and believe we can share a future together so I can say I'd marry her.
It sounds like you have a good communication established with your gf. I would recommend letting that open and talk with her about this too. It can be incredibly difficult and raw.
Groundhog wrote:
02 Apr 2020, 06:58

I'm not sure why writing this. It's been years since the last post on this thread. I guess its cathartic to read exactly someone else who felt the same way, who has struggled with it the same way, and thus, scary at the same time.
I'm glad you commented, otherwise I probably wouldn't have read it.

I'm in the same boat, and can say I've worked through it.
I don't have a magic formula to give you, wish I did, but everyone is different. I have to admit a big part of it was my own maturity, but all those 'reasons' came down to jealousy, insecurity, and a whole host of other emotions all wrapped up into one big ball of crap.

I can say that it does get better with time, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't have to be a long and difficult path. The big part for me was not only realizing that I had my own past that she had to deal with but whatever feelings she may have felt for anyone else in the past I knew how she felt and feels about me now. Life has been full of ups and downs and our relationship has had its Ebbs and flows. during the ebbs, we wish for more flow. And during the flow we don't realize the coming ebb.

I don't know if my explanation has been much of a comfort in the path true getting back to a healthy balance Within yourself regarding a partner's heart and mind. but all I can say is it does get better and you just get to a point where it doesn't matter anymore. And then you can just love the person in the moment you are in.
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

mfree6464
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Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by mfree6464 » 05 Apr 2020, 15:07

Hi Groundhog,

Sorry to hear you are struggling with this difficult issue. A couple thoughts came to mind after reading your post. First, I am glad I married my wife and would do it all over again given the opportunity. She is the one for me and this issue has never changed my feelings in that regard, not in the least. As you consider marriage with your girlfriend, I would personally advise that you not let issues like this get in the way. I understand each situation is different, but my experience tells me it would be a mistake to let a potential marriage partner get away over something like this.

Second (and I think this is a major distinction between my situation and yours), my wife's issues came to light AFTER nearly 15 years of marriage. Additionally, I was lied to before getting married and led to believe that I was her first when I really wasn't. As I think I have said before, I don't think I would have even written this post if she had been upfront with me from the get-go. I spent 15 years believing we had saved certain things for each other sexually and then not only did I lose that, but I learned that it was never true from the beginning. I think this compounded my suffering immensely.

If you are still looking for more help I would google the term "Retroactive Jealousy." I have learned that this is not a Mormon issue or even a religious issue necessarily. Many people suffer as you find yourself suffering now and you are not alone. I personally hate the term "jealousy" as it relates to this issue but this seems to be the term most people apply to it.

As for me, I continue to improve. As I said a couple years back, life has provided distractions (however challenging they may be) and it continues to do so. When life finally settles down these issues may very well bubble back up but for now I have been able to go a few days without those thoughts coming to mind when before they were nearly incessant. When the thoughts do arise they are manageable. I don't enjoy them, but I am able to suppress and manage them to a large extent. It has also been a couple years since the issue has brought me to tears so there is progress!

Hang in there and feel free to send me a private message if you have any questions.

Best
Last edited by mfree6464 on 05 Apr 2020, 15:54, edited 1 time in total.

mfree6464
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Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by mfree6464 » 05 Apr 2020, 15:21

Cadence wrote:
03 Apr 2020, 14:51
Count yourself lucky you have a spouse with a sexual nature. Maybe all those great years you have had are somewhat attributable to their behaviors before they met you. Dont look down on something that is a benefit.
I understand what Cadence is saying here and in my case his advice does ring true. That said, when I posted this 4 years ago I had a lot of people reach out to me privately to share their experiences. A number of these individuals found that their spouse regretted their youthful actions to such a degree that they turned their back on those actions forever … even after marriage. I'm not a doctor but I would guess that the negative associations that some people develop when they "sin" may cause things like this to happen.

My wife and I had a very open conversation before we got married about our hopes and expectations with regard to sex. I would counsel you to have a similar conversation with your gf if you are considering marriage.

Cnsl1
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Re: Coping With Previous Sexual History of a Spouse

Post by Cnsl1 » 05 Apr 2020, 18:54

I have lots of thoughts and a fair amount of experience on this topic.. I don't know if I can distill them into anything useful for you, but I'll try. First, groundhog, it would probably be best to start a new thread..

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