I have been lurking around this forum for some weeks and decided to join. I would like to say that for the most part, the posts I see have been helpful to me personally as I really got into my “faith crisis” last year. I hate that term – it makes me feel too much of a victim. Maybe “faith refinement” is better even if it doesn't quite capture the anguish that so many of us feel going through it. Oh well, to my story from the 20,000 foot level...
I was born into the church. My mom was very active as were two sisters closest to my age. My two oldest sisters were not in the church at all and they are much older than me. My father was kind of on again-off again in the church. He did the “important” stuff, like baptize me, which was very nice. I know he struggled with it.
Into the beginning of my sophomore year in high school, I had an insatiable yearning to read the Book of Mormon. It was very strong and I probably read it in about a month. That is the time when I really gained my testimony and resolved to serve a mission. I was converted, but always maintained a slight liberal approach to things (I cheered the University of Utah and not BYU!).
After high school, a few buddies of mine and I took off for a semester at BYU-Hawaii and that was a lot of fun. I do remember being bothered by the rules though and the lack of free agency that the church so adamantly preaches. BYU-Hawaii is on a remote part of the island so virtually all activities and entertainment are on campus. They would close EVERYTHING but the library when a devotional was going on. Oh, brother! Still, I had a great experience with my friends there. I resolved that I would not attend any form of BYU after my mission (graduated from University of Utah instead).
I was one of the missionaries who server 18 months. My mission was a good experience for me and though it was difficult at times, I learned some important lessons from it. I still keep in contact with some people I knew from there via Facebook, so that's cool.
The rest of my story up until about last year is really quite Mormon. I met my wife in a singles ward after my mission and we had three daughters. The youngest graduates from high school this year.
As far as church callings go, I have served in a variety. Ward missionary, primary, Elders quorum presidencies and even first counselor in the bishopric were in the mix and I enjoyed them all. I was released from the bishopric only 3 ½ years ago and am now teaching primary with my youngest daughter. I also just got called into the High Priest group leadership earlier this year (hmm, I wonder how that will go if I need to teach a lesson
) I, like many, never strayed from reading “church approved” materials on history or other topics. Quite honestly, with my level of involvement in my callings, combined with family, school, work, etc. I never did much study of the church in depth. I did, however, keep a streak of a liberal attitude in my persona. I was totally on board with my youngest daughter attending karate lessons instead of going to Mutual each week when she was in junior high – it was definitely helping her esteem more than the church ever could at that point (and I was in the bishopric when she was doing it). The only time I routinely wore a white shirt to church was when I was a missionary and in the bishopric. Color is so much nicer!!
Anyway, fast forward to last year. I was team teaching the 10 year old primary class with a guy who worked graves and went to college full time and it was difficult for him to put much time into the lessons. A number of times, he would be “preparing” the lesson in opening exercises. I remembered my own experience at that period of my life and knew how little free time he had. I offered to teach every week so he could give more attention to school and family.
I love teaching Primary and wanted to do a good job on the lessons. Week after week, I would read through them and wonder what other materials I could find on the Internet to make them more engaging for the kids. Well, we all know where Internet searches go – to the truth! I found myself getting pretty angry late last year when I realized that EVERY lesson was completely whitewashed. I tried to adjust to more of the truth, keeping in mind that I was teaching kids and Joseph Smith's polyandry probably wasn't appropriate to bring up. Needless to say, I felt VERY betrayed by MY church – why did the leaders do so much to lie and deceive me? Aren't I loyal enough to the church to be told the truth??
Thankfully, since I remained in ignorant bliss for so long in my life, I have had enough other life experience to give the leadership the benefit of the doubt. I have empathy for the brethren who “inherit” problems as they move into high levels of leadership since I myself have inherited problems by accepting new positions at work. As that happened, I had to spend time trying to understand what problems were passed my way before I could think about how to solve them. I'm sure church leadership is the same way. Sometimes I think the brethren are paralyzed and have no clue what to do.
I have had my share of spiritual experiences that I cannot discount at all and perhaps those will come up in future posts. Yet, I now revere the church leadership as mere mortals like the rest of us and prone to making mistakes or expressing personal opinions in meetings or conferences that don't resonate with the way the Spirit speaks to me.
My real blessing from this “faith crisis” is how it has helped me value the role of prayer and the development of a personal relationship with God. I now question about everything the corporate church states and try to rely on prayer to see whether or not what “they” say can fit into my moral being. I don't think God can knock me for wanting to rely more on him for guidance than those who claim to be his servants. I also have a much greater acceptance for the broad spectrum of people in the world seeking God in the way they are led to.
I am one of the fortunate ones on this forum since my wife sees things in much the same way that I do. It is wonderful to be able to support each other through the ups and downs of learning the truths about the church.
I want to be part of the church, but I have definitely changed through this and I imagine I will continue to morph more as my studies on history and doctrine continue. I no longer can say that “this is the one true church”, but see it among many that try to teach good. I expect to get into trouble from time to time expressing my views and am sure I will have to be tactful and careful attending each week. But that's fine with me!
Who knows? Maybe you are. 