I am Lookinghard

Public forum, tell us about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS!
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Joined: 20 Oct 2014, 12:11

Re: I am Lookinghard

Post by LookingHard » 28 May 2021, 14:45

Well I am now a bit over 8 years ago before I started having some doubts.

I really appreciate the folks in this forum helping me work through many issues.

I came out to my wife over 3 years ago and I am still in a mixed-faith marriage. It threw her for a loop, but she has told me she appreciates that I have not "gone off the edge" and I am still a good person - and I think she means it. I think we are going to be OK. I have reached a point - actually years ago - where I accept that my wife may never leave and I am by and large OK with that. Sure it would be nice if she were to "join" with me, but I am fine if she doesn't. She is probably struggling with the fact that 1/2 of my kids and their spouses are out of the church (they didn't even know where my mind was - they came to the conclusions on their own). And I have my last kiddo coming back from his mission in just a while. Those of us that are "out" have not told him, nor the ones still in that we are all "out". I know it is going to be hard on him, but life has taught me there are times to grab that band-aid and pull it quick and then after a while the healing can start. But I still can't will myself to tell my mother - who I think still has many years left. I know she won't disown me or anything, but I know it will break her heart until she dies as I was the one son climbing the church leadership latter.

I did go in at the end of 2020 and told my bishop (a friend of 20 years) that I didn't pay anything and don't plan on doing so again. He had already read David Ostler's book "Bridges" and he seemed to get it. He was empathetic and asked what he could do to help.

I have come to where I can look a bit objectively at the church (is there anybody 100% objective??). I don't get triggered much at all. I can see the bad, I can see the good.

Looking at my own life, my Mormon upbringing did give me generally a good mix of positives and certainly some negatives.

My main issue is not so much the history, but the leaders hiding and lying about the history. To me it tells me that they don't have much faith in God as they don't feel people can take the truth. I am glad that I have made it into my late 50's and don't have issues with alcohol or drugs. I think the only 2 items that I am still resent the church is screwing me up sexually with tons of shame for being normal and that now that I am out late in my 50's, it is damn hard to make really good friends - especially the last year. It does seem that late high school / college is where many of those close friends are made - the ones that last a lifetime. The person that I am closest to from that time has distanced themselves once I told him I am no longer a believer. My college years it felt to me I could never fit in at all as a Mormon way outside the jello belt. I am working on this, but dang it has been hard to make any connections.

I am still reading up on church and church related history, but it is more now just a facination of understanding how the historical threads weave together. I find that interesting. I don't really read pro-mo blogs anymore and I stopped doing any blogging (I just have no interest - I don't have anything to say that doesn't seem to already been said). I have not been on this site for I think a year. It seems like there is just a natural path and the valley of StayLDS was a good part of my journey.

Well I just wanted to stop by again and thank everyone and give an update in case it helps someone else. Send me a DM if you want as I am not all that sure I will be checking back to see replies to this.

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Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: I am Lookinghard

Post by Roy » 30 May 2021, 14:20

Thanks for stopping by with an update. I do think that most people that visit StayLDS are on a journey that eventually takes them out of this isle of misfit toys. Like most support groups, I think most come to a point where the support is no longer as necessary.

Be well my friend. Happy Trails ... until we meet again!
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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Re: I am Lookinghard

Post by nibbler » 30 May 2021, 15:27

Thanks for all of your contributions over the years. Enjoy the journey.
Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.
— I dunno, Nephi?

Minyan Man
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Joined: 15 Sep 2011, 13:40

Re: I am Lookinghard

Post by Minyan Man » 30 May 2021, 17:29

Thank you for the update & I understand completely. It sounds very familiar.
Come back to us from time to time & let us know how you're doing.

I wish you the best on your journey.

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