There was a time when I'd said "no, no way!" Over time I became aware of my prejudices being based on old assumptions and I also became more aware of the different biology of men and women. Your husband probably said "no" as a defensive action, an insecurity about not fulfilling needs, being inadequate, you having sexual experience without him there and the fear that this could lead to you having less interest in sex with him and potentially leading to you looking at/thinking of other people. Give it time, let it settle.Joni wrote:I actually brought this up with my husband last night and he gave me the kneejerk response: nope, not okay ever, not if you're married, not under any circumstances. I think he must have heard the same talks as a lot of you I do wish we could differentiate between "not okay for an unmarried 19-year-old male whose focus is supposed to be on missionary work" and "not okay for a married woman who probably isn't going to experience orgasm otherwise." But the leadership of the Church won't even say the word "sex" so I don't think we can expect any kind of clarification.
I do think it's really unfair how the Lord designed our bodies differently. It's almost impossible for a healthy, functioning male not to experience orgasm as the result of regular, garden-variety sex. And it's almost impossible for a woman to. (This is a fact I've even seen acknowledged in LDS-centric sex books!) To me, that is another sign of how much the Lord prefers men over women, that he loves and respects males a lot more than he does females. Because the kind of sex that is generally regarded as kosher in the LDS faith is going to result in a male orgasm but not a female one.
I even explained this to my husband and he didn't have a good response, but he still will not back down on the "masturbation is always wrong, always" viewpoint. His argument is that masturbation is selfish and one-sided. Of course, regular ol' intercourse can also be selfish and one-sided but that has the Lord's stamp of approval (and it's almost always one-sided in the favor of the male).
I don't think it's wrong within a marriage and several posters have mentioned situations where it's even been encouraged by PH leaders. I would never judge or condemn a married couple who has decided it's within healthy and appropriate boundaries for their marriage. But as much as I may want to, I can't do it knowing that my husband is opposed to it.
I don't think it's evidence that God loves women less. I think it's a basic evolutionary trait (by divine design or not, who knows). To perpetuate humanity the male needs to be able to provide his part of the bargain "on demand." As lovely as intimacy is, it's not really the main function of sex. We like to think it is, and it is of course a lovely, wonderful part of life and a meaningful relationship. But that's not the primary function. It was designed first to procreate. I'm in no way saying "like it or lump it," I'm just pointing out why human biology might be designed that way.
If this next bit gets too 'R' rated mods, feel free to edit. And apologies if Joni this isn't what you asked. What if you asked him about masturbation while you were together? "Assisted" masturbation. There's a good book for him to read here, but I don't know how you could convince him to read it. Also, again not sure how he would respond, but he might be open to some low-key 'toys' (nothing freaky or 'porno'). Your husband simply needs to understand that the way a woman has a good time is not the same way he does. It's not his fault. It's not because he's "not good at it" or "inadequate" (in any given "department"). Your body was just designed differently and he needs to get his head round this. It's fairly rare that when a man is asked whether he'd like to "spice things up" that he says no.
[Admin Note: There is nothing in this comment that is out of line or needs to be edited.]