New Ward

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amateurparent
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Joined: 19 Jan 2014, 20:43

New Ward

Post by amateurparent » 21 Mar 2017, 22:06

My 17 year old just had her records moved to a different ward. Current ward youth were fairly hateful to her. The current ward suggested to my husband that the entire family have their records moved too. ASAP. He agreed and the records were moved within the HOUR. Literally.

Rather than feeling like this is about love and support, it feels like they just want to get rid of the "problem" family -- the family whose wife doesnt attend church and whose daughter is an Aspergers kiddo.

My daughter is sure that the new ward met her and her dad and decided that they wanted both of them. She is such a Pollyanna sometimes.

How come I feel like Eeyore?
I have no advance degrees in parenting. No national credentials. I am an amateur parent. I read, study, and learn all I can to be the best parent possible. Every time I think I have reached expert status with one child for one stage in their life, something changes and I am back to amateur status again. Now when I really mess up, I just apologize to my child, and explain that I am indeed an amateur .. I'm still learning how to do this right.

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hawkgrrrl
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Joined: 22 Oct 2008, 16:27

Re: New Ward

Post by hawkgrrrl » 21 Mar 2017, 22:14

amateurparent wrote:
21 Mar 2017, 22:06
My 17 year old just had her records moved to a different ward. Current ward youth were fairly hateful to her. The current ward suggested to my husband that the entire family have their records moved too. ASAP. He agreed and the records were moved within the HOUR. Literally.

Rather than feeling like this is about love and support, it feels like they just want to get rid of the "problem" family -- the family whose wife doesnt attend church and whose daughter is an Aspergers kiddo.

My daughter is sure that the new ward met her and her dad and decided that they wanted both of them. She is such a Pollyanna sometimes.

How come I feel like Eeyore?
I think marriages are always a balance between the two spouses. If he's permissive, you have to be the disciplinarian (and vice-versa). If she's positive, he has to be the one bringing everyone back to earth. Your husband's a very positive guy, so it's no wonder you feel like the Eeyore. It's not really because you are; it's just the balance and contrast between you. If you were in a different situation (or he were less positive), things would shift.

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nibbler
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Location: Ten miles west of the exact centre of the universe

Re: New Ward

Post by nibbler » 22 Mar 2017, 05:21

amateurparent wrote:
21 Mar 2017, 22:06
How come I feel like Eeyore?
If you're Eeyore it's only because you were in a 100 acre woods full of Rabbits and jack asses. ;)
Cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always.
— Hippocrates

GBSmith
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Joined: 24 Apr 2010, 08:51

Re: New Ward

Post by GBSmith » 22 Mar 2017, 05:49

It looks like something has changed with church admin. It used to take an act of God to move records to a ward other than the one where you were geographically located, YSA and ethnic units excepted. Interesting.

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Reuben
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Joined: 05 Nov 2016, 10:04

Re: New Ward

Post by Reuben » 22 Mar 2017, 05:51

nibbler wrote:
22 Mar 2017, 05:21
amateurparent wrote:
21 Mar 2017, 22:06
How come I feel like Eeyore?
If you're Eeyore it's only because you were in a 100 acre woods full of Rabbits and jack asses. ;)
:lol:

Embrace your inner Eeyore. Research shows that you probably appraise your own abilities more accurately, if nothing else. I believe that natural optimists need you to keep them grounded.

Anyway, it's your old ward's loss.
My intro

Love before dogma. Truth before loyalty. Knowledge before certainty.

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DarkJedi
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Joined: 24 Aug 2013, 20:53

Re: New Ward

Post by DarkJedi » 22 Mar 2017, 06:11

GBSmith wrote:
22 Mar 2017, 05:49
It looks like something has changed with church admin. It used to take an act of God to move records to a ward other than the one where you were geographically located, YSA and ethnic units excepted. Interesting.
It still does - almost literally (the FP is supposed to approve all such changes). Out here in the "mission field" some places are much more lax about it. We have a high councilor whose records are in a different ward than the one he attends without the required act. There are several examples around the stake where people go to another ward for various reasons (or maybe no reason at all).

That said, I am interested in hearing more about AP's situation and how this came about. It does seem a bit unusual.

Either way, the world needs Eeyores.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

My Introduction

Ann
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Joined: 09 Sep 2012, 02:17

Re: New Ward

Post by Ann » 24 Mar 2017, 00:32

I see a fair amount of boundary bending here.

AP, I hope it goes well for your daughter in the new ward. Same stake, I assume. Is she with all the same people once she gets to seminary and school?

Even though I care 90% less about how others see me than I used to, my reaction in that 10% is still strong. Sorry you're feeling the sting. Is the new ward "all the same" from your point of view?
"Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery." - Joseph Campbell

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"Therefore they said unto him, How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said unto them, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes...." - John 9:10-11

amateurparent
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Re: New Ward

Post by amateurparent » 25 Mar 2017, 05:47

Expanded Version:

We had been in the old ward for 8 years. I always had leadership positions or over some committee, etc. DH has always taught HP. We have always done our HT/VT and show up early and prepared for whatever we were assigned to do.

Our only kiddo still home has been shunned the entire time. I've had other parents come and apologize for the actions of their own kids and how they treated my daughter. Each time there was an apology, there was also an excuse. "My daughter just really wants to fit in and she cannot do that if she is nice to your daughter". "I just found out my kid isn't being kind to your daughter, that is terrible, but my daughter just really is very different from your daughter". "Now that my daughter is away at college, I want to tell you that I did recognize that she didn't treat your daughter very well. In fact, my kid behaved like a BRAT. Oh, BTW .. She is really enjoying college"

My daughter is an Aspergers kiddo but she is barely on the spectrum. She interns at a biomedical lab, takes a full AP/dual enrollment load of classes, and heads up/plans/runs/DMs a therapy D & D group for 15 teens in the spectrum. She has made the D & D group into a truly therapeutic social group for those 15 kids. Those parents are thrilled and amazed with her abilities.

Her strengths, weaknesses, and interests are not the ward average. The other girls all have iPhones. She has a Samsung. They use Facebook. She is on Reddit. They are in band. She was asked to join the Academic Decathlon. She is very capable and very kind. She also misses many nuances and social cues.

Between processing historical issues of the church and seeing my daughter socal struggles, I couldn't discuss anything meaningful to me in church and I didn't feel that I could play nice with the parents of kids who were hateful to my kid. I quit attending church services 18 months ago. Daughter quit attending seminary and YW about that same time. There has been nothing but crickets. It felt like I got added to the shunning. YW leaders did take daughter out for ice cream one evening. They expected that to fix the problem.

Daughter tried attending a different ward that meets in the same building and liked the fact that the YW were welcoming. First Sunday, the YW leaders asked her to stand and say where she was visiting from. She named the old ward and said she was trying a new ward to get away from hateful people. One of the YW asked "who is in that ward?" Another girl answered, "oh that is MH and SM and JN and JG." The entire group of YW nodded and said "oh yeah ... they are mean".

I emailed the old ward and asked for formal permission for daughter to attend the new ward. That was granted. Then bishopric member saw husband in the hall and suggested family records be moved. Husband agreed with that plan. It was done same day. Literally the same day.

Only change for me .. missionaries are suddenly trying to "friend" me on FB and they left a note on our door last week.

So .. records moved and suddenly I'm on "the list" for the missionaries.

None of this feels loving, kind, or Christian in approach.

I've always kinda laughed when people talked about members leaving because "they were offended". Well .. I guess I qualify. I am offended by this long 8 year saga of events.

Hawk girl, DH is truly an optimist. Sometimes in the best sense and sometimes in the worst sense. He had a really hard time thinking anything other that goodness about the church and members. I do not have that same struggle.
I have no advance degrees in parenting. No national credentials. I am an amateur parent. I read, study, and learn all I can to be the best parent possible. Every time I think I have reached expert status with one child for one stage in their life, something changes and I am back to amateur status again. Now when I really mess up, I just apologize to my child, and explain that I am indeed an amateur .. I'm still learning how to do this right.

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DarkJedi
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Joined: 24 Aug 2013, 20:53

Re: New Ward

Post by DarkJedi » 25 Mar 2017, 07:09

Thanks for sharing that longer version. I do recall that you have mentioned your daughter and her struggles before.

I say as long as some manual thumping Pharisee doesn't catch wind and point it out to the SP I'd run with it. Even if that does happen, your SP might be like mine. He does know people attend other wards and has never asked anyone to move back to their "own" ward - but if asked directly he will say people should attend the ward in which the actually reside (I've heard it asked of him). Likewise, I don't think anyone here has been denied callings or TRs because they go to a different ward. In all the cases I am aware of the situation is like yours and the records have actually been moved to the different ward. I don't think Jesus would have been all that concerned with ward boundaries.

I hope it works out for your daughter and for you. Are these missionaries from your prior ward or the new one?

For the record, I think being offended is a reason for people not to go to church and for some it is the main reason. I had several reasons when I didn't go, and offense was one albeit a small one.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

My Introduction

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hawkgrrrl
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Joined: 22 Oct 2008, 16:27

Re: New Ward

Post by hawkgrrrl » 25 Mar 2017, 09:38

Hawk girl, DH is truly an optimist. Sometimes in the best sense and sometimes in the worst sense. He had a really hard time thinking anything other that goodness about the church and members. I do not have that same struggle.
That's often true in my marriage as well. I'm much more confrontational in general, even if we are in agreement with each other about something (a conflict with other people). He'll sit back and think it, and I'll lean in and say it. But often my more direct style also means I feel more strongly about things than he does. I articulate things faster. Looking at us from the outside, most people would probably still say we are both pretty chill and laid back, but if you see us in a conflict with other people or an ideology, I am the outspoken one, and he's the one who seems ambivalent. That contrast makes me the Eeyore like you. It's not because it's accurate--it's just the comparison to the person you are always with. Others can interpret his lack of directness as disagreement with me or as agreement with them. Not saying things is perhaps passive-aggressive on his part at times, or he just doesn't care as much as I do about things and always sees the best in other people or doesn't want to "make waves" when I think it's better to get things out in the open. I don't generally get accused of being passive-aggressive.

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