I Feel My Life is Over

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
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Heber13
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by Heber13 » 05 Dec 2016, 12:58

mom3 wrote:I read my post that I wrote at 3:00 am and realize "Oops"

I will leave my post as an example of how not to help another.
I think your 3am post helps. Thanks for leaving it for us to learn from. They are very good thoughts.
Shawn wrote: She said we will plan on me moving out after the holidays. But we talked more later and decided I'll say.
That is more than just "a rough day"...that sounds like hell. There will be lots of fear and uncertainty of what the future holds, I'm sure. Hold on to love. Follow mom3's advice, and others. Look for ways to hold on to the things that matter most to you.
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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nibbler
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by nibbler » 05 Dec 2016, 14:03

Shawn wrote:I will be supplanted as the father figure in the family. I thought about my baby girl who will turn 8 next September.
Not necessarily. You'd be amazed by how much kids like it when adults shoot straight with them. Kids will eventually lament that church is boring. When most adults are trying to convince them that it isn't you can score points by saying, "Yeah, it is super boring." :angel: Don't take it overboard though, you don't have to teach them to spot the flaws but you can be in a unique position to validate them.
Shawn wrote:I told her I don't want someone else to baptize our baby girl, but I'm not going to do it.
Hmmm... that's a difficult position to place someone in. Is this another way of saying that you don't want your daughter to be baptized?
Reuben wrote:One of the first things I did when I told my wife about my FC was apologize. I knew she would feel the loss at some point.
Same here. I tried to put myself in her shoes and address the concerns that I thought she'd have. "If it were me..."
Cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always.
— Hippocrates

Minyan Man
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by Minyan Man » 05 Dec 2016, 15:07

Shawn, I so sorry for your pain. I too wish that I could do more to help you through this.

This is my only advice: Please do something for yourself. (Maybe you mentioned it somewhere else.)
For example:
- see someone professionally that can walk you through what you're experiencing & feeling.
- if they prescribe medication, take it.
- if it doesn't seem to work, tell them & try something else.
- if there are support groups, try to attend a meeting.
- if it doesn't seem to work, try another group.
- if none of this helps, talk to a close friend.
- if you don't have a close friend, make one.
- send a PM & we can talk on the phone.
- remember, you are not the only person who has gone through these experiences.

I & members of my family have used professional help through the years & it has been a HUGE help.
It doesn't necessarily go on forever. It is worth the effort.
A lot of what I say in situations like this sounds like a cliche. And they probably are. Cliches can work too.

I wish you the very best.

Roy
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by Roy » 05 Dec 2016, 15:55

Shawn wrote:I was thinking last night about how my wife and kids will repeatedly hear references to a "worthy priesthood holder" and "eternal families" at church. I will be supplanted as the father figure in the family. I thought about my baby girl who will turn 8 next September. I was visibly upset so my wife asked me what's wrong. I told her I don't want someone else to baptize our baby girl, but I'm not going to do it. I said our marriage just can't work. She said we will plan on me moving out after the holidays. But we talked more later and decided I'll say. Rough day.
Shawn, this seems like extreme thinking to me.

The church does not get to tell you or your family that you are not a "worthy priesthood holder" or that your family is not an "eternal family" and especially not that my marriage "just can't work". I matter to my family more than the church matters to my family. I tuck them in at night and apply first aid to their injuries. I help them with their homework and cheer for them at their events. The church is just a system - a cold construct. It cannot be a father. You are your children's father.

As far as churchy stuff goes, I preside in our home (assign prayer duty). I baptized my children even though I haven't paid tithing in years and rarely attend church. I plan to confer the priesthood to my son when he comes of age to pass on the priesthood line of authority I inherited from my father. I honor my covenants to God and to my family (I have not fully made up my mind how the church fits into that). Our family is an eternal family bound by the clasp of love (we practice this love almost every day [some days are better than others]) and I pray for our union to be ratified by the holy spirit of promise on the judgment day.

If the purpose of religion is to help us to get through this roller coaster of life, then what aspects of Mormonism would be helpful to you in this life - right here, right now?

I know that not all situations are alike, but I also do not think that it needs to be all in or all out. Peter priesthood RM or open apostate. I have found a measure of peace and sustainability in a middle way.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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On Own Now
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by On Own Now » 05 Dec 2016, 16:30

Shawn,

First, I want you to know that you are not alone.

Also, while I certainly wouldn't advocate getting into a quotefest on who is right, etc, there is one very nice statement by Paul in the NT that addresses the reality of his day: that many converted Christians were married to non-Christians. In a certain way, it parallels a reality of our day, in which many believers are married to a spouse that becomes a non-believer. Perhaps this could be a passage to share with each other as a basis to talk about a way ahead in love. Just a thought.
...if any believer has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. And if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so; in such a case the brother or sister is not bound.

It is to peace that God has called you. Wife, for all you know, you might save your husband. Husband, for all you know, you might save your wife. --1 Corinthians 7:12-16 (NRSV)
- - -
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― Carl Jung
- - -
"Let us therefore no longer pass judgment on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another." ― Romans 14:13
- - -

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Shawn
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by Shawn » 05 Dec 2016, 16:58

I don't have much time now, but I want to say that I also like mom3's post. I let her know via PM.

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Shawn
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by Shawn » 05 Dec 2016, 22:36

Reuben wrote:One of the first things I did when I told my wife about my FC was apologize. I knew she would feel the loss at some point. She finally cried about it for the first time last week.

I sincerely hope you can find a way to grieve together instead of separately.
I have apologized several times. I know it sucks for her.
mom3 wrote:My advice - Even against your depression or dark hours - if you want a marriage and family life with her you need to give a ton of support and caring to her. More than you have ever done in your life.
If you can't stomach church - Can you keep Christianity in your home and life?
Verbally and emotionally support her continued attendance. No matter how much it hurts you. You owe her this.
If she is at church functions take care of the house and family. Have meals ready, the place clean like she likes it, let her tell you about her experience (show no judgement).
I agree I should support her. I tried to stay a Christian, but it's gone now. Everything religious is like Bill Cosby to me now. I just can't watch the Cosby Show anymore.
Heber13 wrote:Perhaps the dream is dead...but we get to make new dreams again. There is real beauty in that. Knowing that there is a new day, new dream, new experience...and a way to find peace through hope.
Amen. I like that.
Heber13 wrote:I suggest you find all the resources you can to help you peel your onion back to the core, and look for ways to find hope again for the future. Love your wife as much as you can. Accept that you can only do what you can do. Love yourself equally as much. No matter what your path ahead, you need to find the hope that can guide you. Depression meds, counseling, shedding the past BS that is holding you back
I would like to do this. I really hate my meds. I quit taking them for 8 or 9 months recently and it didn't go well. My brain is literally dependent on the artificial increase of serotonin.
nibbler wrote:Not necessarily. You'd be amazed by how much kids like it when adults shoot straight with them. Kids will eventually lament that church is boring. When most adults are trying to convince them that it isn't you can score points by saying, "Yeah, it is super boring."

You're right. I will still be their dad. I should have said that I will be supplanted as the priesthood leader in the home.
nibbler wrote:
Shawn wrote:I told her I don't want someone else to baptize our baby girl, but I'm not going to do it.
Hmmm... that's a difficult position to place someone in. Is this another way of saying that you don't want your daughter to be baptized?
That's not what I was trying to say at the time, but I actually do not want her to be baptized. There is no good answer.
Minyan Man wrote:I & members of my family have used professional help through the years & it has been a HUGE help.
It doesn't necessarily go on forever. It is worth the effort.
A lot of what I say in situations like this sounds like a cliche. And they probably are. Cliches can work too.
Thanks, man. I am looking into getting therapy. Too bad it's ridiculously hard to make it work.

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Shawn
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by Shawn » 05 Dec 2016, 22:52

Roy, thanks for your posts!
Roy wrote:
Shawn wrote:I was thinking last night about how my wife and kids will repeatedly hear references to a "worthy priesthood holder" and "eternal families" at church. I will be supplanted as the father figure in the family....
Shawn, this seems like extreme thinking to me.

The church does not get to tell you or your family that you are not a "worthy priesthood holder" or that your family is not an "eternal family" and especially not that my marriage "just can't work".
Well, I don't consider myself to be either a worthy or unworthy priesthood holder because I don't believe the priesthood is real, and I have said this to my wife. The church will continually lead my family to believe that our eternal togetherness is in jeopardy, and I can't stop that. It's held over our heads as a tool to get us to pray, pay, and obey. My wife has been horrified about our eternal status as a family, as I once was, while hundreds of millions of other Christians don't seem to fret over it.
Roy wrote:I matter to my family more than the church matters to my family. I tuck them in at night and apply first aid to their injuries. I help them with their homework and cheer for them at their events. The church is just a system - a cold construct. It cannot be a father. You are your children's father.
My wife would choose the church over me for sure. My kids have a different perspective, though.
Roy wrote:As far as churchy stuff goes, I preside in our home (assign prayer duty). I baptized my children even though I haven't paid tithing in years and rarely attend church. I plan to confer the priesthood to my son when he comes of age to pass on the priesthood line of authority I inherited from my father.
I usually don't lead in family prayer because I don't want my family to do it at all right now. I still pray by myself, but not in the Mormon way. I usually start out with something like, "Oh God of the universe, if there is a God...." I ordained my son a few months ago, but I spoke from my heart and didn't believe God was guiding me at all. The funny thing is that is was just like all the other blessings I've participated in. I do not plan on doing any more ordinances.
Roy wrote:If the purpose of religion is to help us to get through this roller coaster of life, then what aspects of Mormonism would be helpful to you in this life - right here, right now?

I know that not all situations are alike, but I also do not think that it needs to be all in or all out. Peter priesthood RM or open apostate. I have found a measure of peace and sustainability in a middle way.
I only like the social aspect of church. I have great neighbors and I like being with them. However, I'm not going for a middle way. I would resign right this moment if it wouldn't break my wife's heart. I need to StayLDS at this time for her.
Last edited by Shawn on 05 Dec 2016, 22:55, edited 1 time in total.

Minyan Man
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by Minyan Man » 05 Dec 2016, 22:54

Shawn, you said:
I am looking into getting therapy. Too bad it's ridiculously hard to make it work.
Why do you say it's hard to make it work?
Never be afraid to try something new. I have seen where it has worked for a number of people. It could work for you too.
(More cliches)

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Shawn
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Re: I Feel My Life is Over

Post by Shawn » 05 Dec 2016, 23:00

Minyan Man wrote:Shawn, you said:
I am looking into getting therapy. Too bad it's ridiculously hard to make it work.
Why do you say it's hard to make it work?
Never be afraid to try something new. I have seen where it has worked for a number of people. It could work for you too.
(More cliches)
I've actually seen a few therapists over the last 20 years. I've also seen my family doctor, a nurse practitioner, and a psychiatrist. I have not had therapy for several years, though. I tried to find a therapist again a couple years ago. It took a month to get in to see a guy and then he told me it was a mistake that someone had referred me to him and he couldn’t see me due to insurance issues. So, I could get an appointment with someone, wait some weeks to see him or her, and then see if it's a good fit. It could take months to start treatment. I know, I should be more positive and starting the search now is better than doing nothing.

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