You need to start responding

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
church0333
Posts: 589
Joined: 26 Aug 2012, 17:41
Location: Springfield OR

Re: You need to start responding

Post by church0333 » 24 Sep 2014, 17:50

I have also found other sites and FB forums that are meeting my needs better right now.

Minyan Man
Posts: 1991
Joined: 15 Sep 2011, 13:40

Re: You need to start responding

Post by Minyan Man » 24 Sep 2014, 20:56

Mom, I understand too what you're going through. I left for a year or so, then came back.
Sometimes we have to leave Church attendance for awhile to sort things out too.
Sometimes I get bored & my responses come out as silly or sarcastic. So, I stay away again.
If I want a more detailed response from someone, I send a private message (PM).
Sometimes we talk on the phone.
At times, I don't want to give a too detailed a response so I'm quiet.
I don't know for sure who's following on this site & I don't want to give away my identity.

That is one for the problems with communicating on the internet: you can't visually see people
as you try to carry on a conversation. You don't know:
1. Are the people I'm talking to real or a made up personality? (Paranoid? maybe.)
2. Do they know I'm just kidding around or do they think I'm angry? It can get frustrating when I
can't see someone face & get direct feed back.

If you want to, go away for a while. But, look in from time to time.
You have good insight & give great advice.
I wish you the best in your decision. You will be missed if you go.

Thankful
Posts: 80
Joined: 11 Mar 2012, 20:54

Re: You need to start responding

Post by Thankful » 27 Sep 2014, 08:26

I read every week. I respond when I have the energy. I'm also dealing with a progressive, potentially fatal illness and with major problems in my family of origin. I get exhausted and can only take so much stress and angst in my life at a time. I appreciate you all, but withdraw often for self-care. Stay LDS does help me feel less alone. And I know you're right in that there are A LOT of Stay LDS type folks in every stake. I'm grateful for those who make it safe to be authentic. It's just not one of my strong points...

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SilentDawning
Posts: 7341
Joined: 09 May 2010, 19:55

Re: You need to start responding

Post by SilentDawning » 27 Sep 2014, 10:02

I'm in here every day usually. Been noticed that its a lot deader than usual though. Perhaps we 're in a dry spell. I don't know of any other places that meet my needs as well as this forum though.

It helped me settle into a place where I'm comfortable with my own life, interests and the church. Helped me find a way to build character and "be good" without having to necessarily buy into the whole church approach to life, some of which is ridiculous, other parts of which can be inspiring.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

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SilentDawning
Posts: 7341
Joined: 09 May 2010, 19:55

Re: You need to start responding

Post by SilentDawning » 27 Sep 2014, 12:33

I want to add -- my spiritual life has shifted away from the church. It's in the community now. I run into issues there a lot, but I don't feel I can post them here as they aren't about staying firm in a religion -- they are more challenges I face, and sometimes don't know what to do, and could use advice. But its not consistent with the mission of StayLDS, so I tough it out on my own. So, that's one reason I don't post as much. Still, issues come up with the church now and then since my family is joined at the hip wit the church, and as they do, I discuss them.

Also, I sometimes start topics, but when I see 30 people have looked at it with no response, or perhaps only one, I feel sheepish and sometimes take it down since there is little interest.

I will say this -- I've always been frustrated with moderation that tells topic starters to search the threads for an answer. I know that to many of us, the same topics come up and it seems monotonous. However, the topic starter often wants more than answers, they want current interaction with other people -- and that, for me, is the value of discussing topics that have already been discussed heavily in the past.

Now Ray is good at striking a balance here, so this isn't a criticism of Ray's moderation in this respect -- he will often post past threads on the topic, but still allow the thread to stay open for new discussion if people want. But I have been on other forums where I never felt I could post anything if I haven't invested 10 minutes in researching the threads for similar topics in the past 3 years (one requirement of one forum I was on many years ago).

So, I would hope people wouldn't feel sheepish about posting topics that have been discussed in the past. I try to respond to them if the life hasn't gone of the topic for me...or if I have enough experience with the topic to say something substantial.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

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nibbler
Posts: 4475
Joined: 14 Nov 2013, 07:34
Location: Ten miles west of the exact centre of the universe

Re: You need to start responding

Post by nibbler » 27 Sep 2014, 14:55

I've been mulling over possible reasons for dry spells or reluctance to post. Shooting from the hip, no holds barred:

1) We're a small group, or at least we appear to be. 500 people generate more discussion than 50 (hypothetical numbers). It's a simple numbers game.

2a) There's an ultra small core of very active posters. At times discussions seem to funnel down to what two or three specific people think about a given subject. After those few chime in there's little left to be said. The sages have spoken. :angel:

2b) Sometimes after the sages speak I'm left feeling like the village idiot. I go into "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt" mode. I usually sneak in at least one "I'm a dope" post before I remember that though. :lol:

3) People often come here looking for support. Lately I've seen a few instances where new people looking for support were met with a heavy hand. Sometimes people need to hear the hard truth to be jolted out of a rut that they may not be aware that they are in but that's a very fine line. Very fine. It takes time to get to know people before making those sorts of judgment calls, it takes even longer to get to know someone before knowing how to broach the subject with them. Those sorts of responses should be very few and far between.

4) Everyone is still a little deflated/exhausted over the events of earlier in the year (OW, KK, JD, etc.). Sometimes the answer is to disengage after a period of relative intensity. People may still be in a resting period.

5) I've seen a few instances of admin notes in threads warning people to stay on a very narrowly defined topic. Up to that point there was some discussion but the admin note killed it. I'm not saying that the solution is to relax site moderation but if there's a discussion and the moderator wants to reign the discussion back to the thread topic... please, create a new thread with the new topic so that the discussion can continue.

6) For a while I felt like the site took on an apologetic tone. I didn't want to post because I felt like I'd be reigned in or be subject to mental gymnastics that cwald was referring to. I'm sure this point will generate some push back so let me issue my disclaimer. As I shift more towards the left the middle appears to my right. As I shift more toward the right the middle appears to my left. Aka this may be more my perception than any reflection of reality. Either way, an imagined reprimand will prevent a discussion from being started.

7) Lighten the discourse. I don't want to have to bust out a dictionary to read a post or bust out a thesaurus to write one. Truth be told I don't think this site has a problem in this area but I'd hate for an expectation of a higher level of discourse to prevent people from posting. Again, I don't feel that here. Just tossing this over the fence.

8) People come, get the support they need, and move on. Unfortunately the site loses a voice in the process but the fact that someone has been able to move on is something to be celebrated.

9) People that are just starting to have issues with the church may be at the very beginning of an individual journey. Part of that journey may lead them here but I don't know how individualism would translate to online interactions.
I will say this -- I've always been frustrated with moderation that tells topic starters to search the threads for an answer. I know that to many of us, the same topics come up and it seems monotonous. However, the topic starter often wants more than answers, they want current interaction with other people -- and that, for me, is the value of discussing topics that have already been discussed heavily in the past.
Yes. I think that a part of what a person that posts (and more especially a person that creates a topic) is looking for is interaction. A PM can be sent to topic creators by a moderator where there's a pattern but otherwise...

And I'm not sure how I feel about shutting down discussion because a topic has been done to death. There's pros and cons to that.

Just random thoughts.
Cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always.
— Hippocrates

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Gerald
Posts: 446
Joined: 29 Sep 2011, 04:57

Re: You need to start responding

Post by Gerald » 28 Sep 2014, 04:48

I only post occasionally but I check every day. This is the only discussion board where I do both of those things. I don't mind reading the same people's comments (there almost always interesting) but it is nice to here from someone else from time to time. I appreciate the moderators and the frequent posters. Overall, this board works great for me.
So through the dusk of dead, blank-legended And unremunerative years we search to get where life begins, and still we groan because we do not find the living spark where no spark ever was; and thus we die, still searching, like poor old astronomers who totter off to bed and go to sleep, to dream of untriangulated stars.
---Edwin Arlington Robinson---

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Mrs. SuperChicken
Posts: 45
Joined: 25 Apr 2014, 10:14

Re: You need to start responding

Post by Mrs. SuperChicken » 01 Oct 2014, 06:02

Thanks for this topic. I often feel like what I have to say is useless to people because I am not as eloquent as many of you, and I tend to focus on my experiences more that the broader view of the whole church. I talked to someone recently who related feelings that so closely matched my own and it was so nice to see that I was not alone. So I hope I don't bug too many of you, but I will try to be less of a Chicken.

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mom3
Posts: 4077
Joined: 02 Apr 2011, 14:11

Re: You need to start responding

Post by mom3 » 01 Oct 2014, 08:50

I am still amazed how far this post has gone. I am also glad to see so many people add input. When I wrote the post I had just returned from a Bushman Symposium. 75 people were in attendance and easily 3/4 were struggling and trying to stay LDS in some form or other. (I believe I have explained this already but I wanted to confirm it). I posted this 24 hours after the event because I was impacted by the struggle in the room. Struggle that I felt the symposium didn't help, instead it added a new layer of challenge. I came home and sat down to report on the event and I realized we play apart too in helping people.

I didn't mention my post to my husband, but he received a note from the organizer of the event asking if he thought getting the group together to support each other was a good idea. Her words were, "We have no place to go, no one to talk to and we are hurting." Before she planned it, she had no idea of the dynamics of attendee's. This told me that our religious puberty is painful in a much larger way. As I told my husband I now look at my ward differently. Everyone in the symposium looked very Mormon, garment lines, modest dress (okay 2 people not), but Mormon speak, you name it. I bet everyone of those people look like a TBM on Sunday. Every week they go through the same pains every one of us has gone through. And everyone of us knows - as SuperChicken pointed out - how valuable a friend, even just one can be.

So I have some ideas - I don't know if it's possible on this forum or not - Ray and Brian would have to decide, but we have one mega long essay on Staying LDS. Is it possible to write or collect or permanently stick some of the standard tough topics up for new comers. Tithing, garments, the churches essays, even the daily quotes page. (On the daily quotes can we find away to begin using a quote a day from the long list to inspire broader, safe LDS thinking?) Can new comers have a different color or somethings so we know they are new and are less likely to run them over?

Last of all I believe the events of the summer have taken a toll on many people, people have left, new crisis arose, and yes those of us hanging on are feeling our finger nails give way - but I feel that we offer a mattress of cushion for those who will hurt just like we have. This is our place to mourn with those that mourn.
"I stayed because it was God and Jesus Christ that I wanted to follow and be like, not individual human beings." Chieko Okazaki Dialogue interview

"I am coming to envision a new persona for the Church as humble followers of Jesus Christ....Joseph and his early followers came forth with lots of triumphalist rhetoric, but I think we need a new voice, one of humility, friendship and service. We should teach people to believe in God because it will soften their hearts and make them more willing to serve." - Richard Bushman

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mackay11
Posts: 2045
Joined: 01 Nov 2012, 18:01

Re: You need to start responding

Post by mackay11 » 02 Oct 2014, 19:57

I'm breaking my self-imposed posting ban to let you know you're awesome and even if there are only 3-4 of you sharing your thoughts, it's still appreciated.

Staylds will, by it's nature, probably always be a smaller group.

I hope staylds doesn't change to get higher participation. This is one of very, very few places I would feel comfortable sending a doubting friend (and I did exactly that a few days ago, I wonder if they found us).

I drop by once every 2-3 weeks to read and I like the content and discussion. Thanks for all that all of you do :)

And cwald, I hope you don't go, your always just the right side of irreverent to be amusing.

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