Sexting teen

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opentofreedom
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Re:

Post by opentofreedom » 09 Mar 2014, 21:41

cwald wrote:I would probably start talking birth control at this point, if you haven't already.

Abstinence is a great goal...but it can get worse.

I would also let them date as in movie nights at your home and her home. Supervised. If they are going to mate, they will find a way. ... but at least this way they know you disapprove of premarital sex yet understand their biological drive and needs.

Just my opinion.

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I second this. Esp the supervised date nights at your home.
Namaste: the divine light in me honors the divine light in you.

“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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DarkJedi
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Re: Sexting teen

Post by DarkJedi » 10 Mar 2014, 03:24

We're OK with the supervised date thing, but at this point her parents are not (and we don't think they know the full extent of the issue). They are the ones who have cut contact. Their stance at this point is church activities only, which basically means Super Saturdays. Even though they are in a neighboring ward, they're still 30 miles away - which in this case might not be a bad thing. This is upstate NY! (NY has a new tourism slogan "There's more to New York than New York" - I like it)

And thanks cwald - we have been down that road before, actually, with our oldest. We learned quite a bit from that situation. I am fully aware that if they want to they will find a way.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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SamBee
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Re: Sexting teen

Post by SamBee » 10 Mar 2014, 04:40

This is, indeed very dangerous territory. What happens if he breaks up with her? Teenage relationships often don't last long.

These photos or messages are excellent opportunities for blackmail if someone gets hold of them.

I know of one guy who committed suicide after he was blackmailed online.
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
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DarkJedi
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Re: Sexting teen

Post by DarkJedi » 10 Mar 2014, 05:13

SamBee wrote:This is, indeed very dangerous territory. What happens if he breaks up with her? Teenage relationships often don't last long.

These photos or messages are excellent opportunities for blackmail if someone gets hold of them.

I know of one guy who committed suicide after he was blackmailed online.
We've tried that explanation with him, they're madly in love and will never break up, you know. There was a major news story here a few years back where a college student committed suicide after his roomie posted video of him having gay sex. Not quite the same but close enough. I agree, it is dangerous. The only brighter side is that as far as we can tell it's almost all text and only shirtless pictures of him.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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common twit
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Location: Utah

Re: Sexting teen

Post by common twit » 10 Mar 2014, 07:34

Fortunately, CT, we have come to realize that any actions by our children do not make us bad parents or failures. If such were true, God would be the biggest failure of all. That doesn't mean we don't care or that we don't want him to get hurt - that is indeed the essence of the problem.

Thank you Dark Jedi. I am still trying to realize that my childrens' actions don't make us bad parents. I have just seen so many flaws in what we did or didn't do as parents. Your statement that God would be the biggest failure of all made me start to see my feelings of inadequacy might be unjustified. It will take me some time but at least you got me started. Thank you for saying something that gave me an aha moment.
Good luck with your son.

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SomeUsername84
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Re: Re:

Post by SomeUsername84 » 10 Mar 2014, 08:53

opentofreedom wrote:
cwald wrote:I would probably start talking birth control at this point, if you haven't already.

Abstinence is a great goal...but it can get worse.

I would also let them date as in movie nights at your home and her home. Supervised. If they are going to mate, they will find a way. ... but at least this way they know you disapprove of premarital sex yet understand their biological drive and needs.

Just my opinion.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
I second this. Esp the supervised date nights at your home.
I third this. Removing the taboo is important. Living in Utah, and always having been forbidden to have illegal fireworks, when I was old enough to drive across the Utah/Wyoming border and buy my own, I bought way too much. I am still burning through them today.

When it is a taboo novelty, it fans the fire. Several years ago I went through counseling for sex addiction. I found out that one of my primary triggers was the thrill I got from doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing (This is true for most people, which is why drug usage and pornography problems run so rampant in Utah). My parents did an excellent job teaching me correct principles and then allowing me to make my own choices. THAT, for the most part, turned me into the type of man I am today.

I don't have kids yet, just one on the way, but this type of stuff scares the poop out of me. It is so easy now to get away with things that not very long ago would have taken a lot of work to make happen as a teenager.

If I were in your position, I'd sit him down, tell him that you love him, understand his feelings, and are going to let him make his own choices about the matter. Talk about contraception and that although you know it wouldn't be a wise choice to make, if he is going to have sex, it is important to use protection. Let him know your position on his relationship, give them opportunities to be in your home and part of your family, and do your best to create a non-threatening environment. When he feels empowered to make his own decisions about things, he will probably make the right decisions.

But, it sounds like you're doing most of this already—or at least trying to. It sounds like he has kind of put up barriers against open communication. So, I guess at this point, just try to let him know that its not something you approve of, that you know he's going to find a way to do it if he really wants to, and remind him that these things have far reaching consequences. Then, leave it alone and stop poking the sore. (This is me speaking from the perspective of having been a sexual deviant myself, not having had kids of my own yet, but absolutely terrified of having to deal with this one day myself.) I've seen that it's helpful to talk about things in terms of "normal to want, experience, desire," "acceptable to want, experience, desire," and then the fact that although there are things that are normal to want or to experience, "the natural man is an enemy to God" and that just because something is normal/natural to want, doesn't make it good to do.

(Sorry for the rambling. I hope there is something in this post that can help in some way. :crazy: )
“Sometime reality is too complex. Stories give it form.”
― Jean-Luc Godard

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opentofreedom
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Re: Sexting teen

Post by opentofreedom » 10 Mar 2014, 09:22

DarkJedi wrote:We're OK with the supervised date thing, but at this point her parents are not (and we don't think they know the full extent of the issue). They are the ones who have cut contact. Their stance at this point is church activities only, which basically means Super Saturdays. Even though they are in a neighboring ward, they're still 30 miles away - which in this case might not be a bad thing. .
I am so sorry to hear that they are not allowing them to see each other. I think they are just fueling the fire. I am so sorry that your son isn't opening up and talking to you either. That is just so tough
SomeUsername84 said: When it is a taboo novelty, it fans the fire. Several years ago I went through counseling for sex addiction. I found out that one of my primary triggers was the thrill I got from doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing (This is true for most people, which is why drug usage and pornography problems run so rampant in Utah). My parents did an excellent job teaching me correct principles and then allowing me to make my own choices. THAT, for the most part, turned me into the type of man I am today.
I agree. I have a brother who spent $45,000 in rehab for sex addiction/alcoholism. 2 years later he cheated on his wife and a year after they split up, he has a six pack of beer in his fridge that he goes weeks without drinking and rarely finds the need to look at porn. When I ask him why he thinks is just "over it", he said "Its no longer forbidden, so it lost the fun". I also just told my husband I was drinking coffee last week. I was sneaking it for months. Now I don't even want it...haha such rebels. But I think you are on to something here.
Namaste: the divine light in me honors the divine light in you.

“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Forgotten_Charity
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Re: Sexting teen

Post by Forgotten_Charity » 10 Mar 2014, 09:31

Hi dark Jedi. I don't have kids yet. Mostly because I'm afraid of indoctrination in the church youth.
But I have some incites from working closely with watching and mentoring my friends kids as well as my own youth.

Although I didn't participate in these types of things growing up, I was automatically assumed I did. So got the punishment treatment before the action that never occurred took place.

The reason for the assumption is that I started dating when I was 12. Very natural to me to seek companionship at that age since the time you were really little the idea of eternal companions and temple marriage was very serious and drilled into you 1000s of times by the time you are a teenager.

I think it is very odd to talk about eternal companionship and marriage in the temple so much at sushi a young age and not expect people to focus heavily on that in their own in teenage years. One befits the other.

Many people seem to think that at teenage years. You don't know what true love is. I find that to be a generalization.
But for me and some it is true. I still love those people these decades later.

I can not know what your son is into. But I do know how it feels to be belittled in the subject of love as a teenager.
I hope I don't have to face such issues with my children but accept that's its part of life and natural and the need for guidance and boundaries.
However I feel like when I was his age that the belittling of the "love" forced me to withdraw from my parents. I did not seek their counsel after that. I sought guidance from the counselor that didn't belittle my relationship and helped me to understand relationships in context.

If you can speak to a relationship counselor. Relationships at that age are natural but really rather taboo so it's hard to speak with LDS about healthy relationships since we have over bearing and some times unhealthy rules and views on the subject. Not to say what he is doing is right. But to gain perspective is very hard in LDS teachings in this subject I found out the hard way and was ostracized from dating at his age since is was very wrung and taboo in Mormon cultures to date before 16-18. Advise from a Radom stranger may it may not be better.
Access to a relationship or school counselor can help.

My 2 cents for what they are worth. I was deeply involved because the most important thing I wanted wasn't sex(I didn't have any) but companionship(naturally since temple marriage and companionship is drilled into us from early age).

From what I have read it reads very normal situation, outside if the sexting it is nothing abnormal but may be a sign if something else which is why I suggest consoler advise.

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hawkgrrrl
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Re: Sexting teen

Post by hawkgrrrl » 10 Mar 2014, 18:55

Really tough stuff. Not to be alarmist, but if sexting is going on at 15, where will things be at 17? I think you need to have a better conversation with the girl's parents about this perhaps. It sounds like she's got some issues if she is using sexual manipulation as you said. That's less surprising given that their approach was to be controlling and live in denial about her role in it. I totally agree that if teens are attracted and have opportunity, eventually they will have sex. That's how we are wired. And often it also means heartache and regret for those who are not yet emotionally ready, which is tough to be at that age. Sorry for your parenting woes. I feel for you. We want to help our kids avoid regret, but it's often not in our power to protect them from their own choices.

jhp33
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Re: Sexting teen

Post by jhp33 » 11 Mar 2014, 07:45

Unknown wrote:That sounds tricky. I'm not a parent so I can't speak from experience on that side of things, actually, I'm probably still closer to being a 15 year old than having one. The first thought I had when I read this was "teach them correct principles and let them choose for themselves." I just think back to when I was 15 and decided I was going to do something forbidden, there wasn't really anything anybody could do about it. Disapproval and restrictions only taught me to be good at keeping secrets and I started sharing less and less with my parents, even things that weren't bad. Reflecting on that, my advice would be to be crystal clear on how you feel about it and why you think he should feel the same, and after that, take the focus off of his relationship with the girl and put it back onto his relationship with you, and move forward.
This.

If something is forbidden, it usually becomes someone's greatest desire. Clear communication with your teenager that you recognize and accept the fact that, ultimately, you have ZERO control over his decisions I think will be mind bending to him. That doesn't mean you don't set rules and standards, but it means you recognize that ultimately there's nothing you can do to force him to obey them. That's on him.

But, on the flip side, there's nothing you can do to stop the negative consequences that come along with certain decisions we make. As much as you want to, as a parent, keep him from making bad decisions, he's going to make them. And you can't deprive him of living the consequences of them, or he will learn nothing.

This is why I really love the church's teachings on agency, because they apply so well to parenting. We think we can control our children, but we SO cannot. And we should expect to. We can only teach them the best we can, hope they recognize the importance of considering consequences when making decisions, and when they fall, help them dust themselves off, cover the skinned knee and make another attempt at choosing the right path.

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