Last Month has been awful.

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
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DonHarold
Posts: 1
Joined: 19 Jun 2021, 14:04

Last Month has been awful.

Post by DonHarold » 19 Jun 2021, 17:32

Hi Brothers and Sisters.

I have really struggled last month in the Church. I am a single straight guy , but very lonely. When I was younger I had a few men come on to me I laughed it off. Now for the past few months I have had two men interested in me , but no ladies (as far to my knowledge) managed to get rid of one quite easy . The other started this month and although I had no interest , he was quite persistent and then bang hits LGBT month . Can't turn anything on without seeing pride and the problem is I am not laughing off now, as I said I am lonely and although not at all interested in that manner of him, worried if I go on there could be a guy I might be interested in , in the future 😢.

Old-Timer
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Posts: 16932
Joined: 21 Oct 2008, 20:24

Re: Last Month has been awful.

Post by Old-Timer » 20 Jun 2021, 07:21

First, welcome. I am glad you found our own little Island of Misfit Toys and hope we can help you in some way.

Second, we all are amateurs just doing our best to be a support and provide comfort, acceptance, and community within the Church. We can't offer professional advice - and we have different perspectives that often means we give different advice. In other words, we don't try to give people "the one true answer"; rather, we try to give ideas that might help people find the answer(s) that will work for them.

As to your situation, all I can say initially is that human biology, including sexuality, is complicated - much more so than we realized earlier in my life. If it is causing serious disruption in your life, I suggest seeing if you can find someone who understands the complications and is willing and able to talk with you about it "clinically" - whether that is a professional counselor or just a friend. Hopefully, we can help with listening ears, caring hearts, and life experiences - but, ultimately, again, all we can do is offer perspective and hope some of it will help you on your journey.

Finally, I have found that gentle but firm, consistent honesty in cases like you describe is important - both toward others and toward ourselves. I would say to be open and honest with the person in question, explaining that you simply are not interested in him - and, if he persists, look for ways to limit your time with him.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

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DarkJedi
Posts: 7473
Joined: 24 Aug 2013, 20:53

Re: Last Month has been awful.

Post by DarkJedi » 21 Jun 2021, 05:00

As OT points out, boundaries are always good. Gender and sexuality aside, if someone persists with unwanted advances it's harassment. I think most people in our age of cancel culture understand what that is about.

I was "a menace to society" back in the day. I was 30 (almost 31) when I married. I lived (and live) in the US Northeast where opportunities for church relationships are limited. I was also pretty much all in at the time, so the church was my life. All of my friends were members and most of my social activities were church related. In my ward, and even stake (which was very spread out) there was essentially no one my age to "hang" with and the choices of available potential mates were also very limited (although I ended up a winner). I was sometimes lonely and I didn't really recognize that until someone asked me about it once. (Hmm, maybe I am lonely.... :think: ) What I'm trying to say is I understand loneliness and I understand it affects people differently. I also understand the desire/need for companionship. I hear what you're saying, and I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry with you.

When I read your post I also thought about David Archuleta's recent admissions. He came out to his family as gay in 2014, then said he thought maybe he wasn't gay because he also had some interest in women, and then he also feels he doesn't have as strong a sexual desire as others (I think that's it in a nutshell). I do believe David, including the asexual part (some have said he just said that to keep the church off his back). But it's also pretty clear that David took/is taking some time to figure out his sexuality. I'm not sure that's so unusual nowadays, especially for Millennials and Gen. Z, and I think there's a better understanding now that sexuality is more of a spectrum and different people are all over that spectrum. It's not unusual in the church to view everything as either/or - one is either straight or gay, for instance. But "either" and "or" are not the only choices in sexuality or in most other things.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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Roy
Posts: 6358
Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: Last Month has been awful.

Post by Roy » 21 Jun 2021, 14:59

DonHarold wrote:
19 Jun 2021, 17:32
Hi Brothers and Sisters.

I have really struggled last month in the Church. I am a single straight guy , but very lonely. When I was younger I had a few men come on to me I laughed it off. Now for the past few months I have had two men interested in me , but no ladies (as far to my knowledge) managed to get rid of one quite easy . The other started this month and although I had no interest , he was quite persistent and then bang hits LGBT month . Can't turn anything on without seeing pride and the problem is I am not laughing off now, as I said I am lonely and although not at all interested in that manner of him, worried if I go on there could be a guy I might be interested in , in the future 😢.
Welcome Harold!

I know something of being lonely.

The advice that I give to my now teenage children and the advice that I would give to myself if I could go back in time is as follows.

1) You are amazing. You are a "catch". You have so very much to offer to a potential romantic partner, companion, and eventually to a spouse.

2) You will eventually find someone. Statistics back this up. If the person that you are considering doesn't see you as amazing or you do not likewise feel that they are amazing then this is probably not the best person for you. The bigger risk is not that you will not find someone but that you will settle for someone that is not great for you out of a desire to make the loneliness end. you deserve to be with someone just as amazing as you are. You deserve to be with someone that treats you with love and respect - the same way that you treat them. Waiting is hard - but the relationship that you might have is worth the wait IMO. Time is on your side.

I feel that my advice applies regardless of sexuality concerns.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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