Forgiving(?) for past sins

[TrueBlue2012]

I've been dating a girl for about two months now. I know it's not very long, but we've grown really close really fast. There's this little problem though. See, she's a convert to the church and has a colorful past when compared to a life-long church member. Her sexual history weighs on my mind. She has had two long-term boyfriends (one for three years and another for one year) and a handful of other partners. She slipped up a couple of times a few weeks after her baptism as well (which was about 18 months ago). I know that she has repented and been forgiven, but I can't seem to shake the negative feelings. It's not a logical problem, it's an emotional one. If we end up getting married I would prefer neither of us to have sexual histories. (And I haven't been perfect in that regard at all, which just makes me feel like a hypocrite.)

Any advice? I've prayed about it and was looking for something during conference but didn't really feel anything stand out to me. Like I said, it's not logical...

[cwald]

I have no advice. Sorry.

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[Curt Sunshine]

Blunt advice:

If she really has repented and been forgiven, the issue is inside you - especially if you have a history of your own.

If you really love her, and if you really think you want to spend your life (mortal or eternal) with her, this is something you are going to have to accept - even if it means counseling of some sort. Unrealistic ideals are a horrible taskmaster, and if you can't get a handle on this, it will cause problems for years and years until you do - no matter what your decision is in this particular case.

Ultimately, this is your decision. All we can do is provide individual perspectives - but they will all be honest, even if they are diverse.

And welcome to this forum.

[roobytoos]

I was raised in the Church, but after a difficult divorce of my parents, I left the Church from the age 16 to about the age 22. During that time I had a long term boyfriend,about 3 years, and we had a sexual relationship. After that relationship ended, I had several other relationships and partners.
When I met my husband (we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary) I wasn't active at church. He was a recently returned missionary. As we dated and he learned about my past, he really struggled with the idea that we wouldn't both be virgins going into the marriage. He called a man he knew that married a woman with a similar circumstance and this man explained to him that it had in no way tainted their marriage relationship.
He decided to take a chance on me. I have been so blessed.
Let me tell you that the intimacy with my husband on our wedding night was the most beautiful experience of my life. It brought me to tears because it was actually at that moment that I laid there vulnerable with him that I knew I was forgiven... Not only by my new husband but by the Lord. My previous experience has had no negative effect on my intimate relationship with my husband. In fact because I do know what relationships without commitment are like, I find that a committed relationship, a marriage, fulfills me in a way that no other could. I do know that the grass isn't greener.
I say don't let past indiscretions change your feelings about her. Talk with a trusted friend or counselor, pray to find peace, and if you feel like she is the one, go for it. It just might turn out to be the best decision you ever made.

[church0333]

I would prefer someone who enjoys and is comfortable with intimacy then someone who is freaked out about it, but I understand where you are coming from. Get it worked out first before it gets too involved.

[Kumahito]

Mate, your situation is one that's played out thousands of times in the Church. My own DW is a convert to the Church at roughly age 27; I'm a life-long member. Before we married, I had to come to terms with the same issue you're facing. I won't pretend that you and I are in exactly the same boat, because everyone's unique. I will say, though, that for us it wasn't an issue then and has never been throughout our 10 year marriage. That being said, this is something internal to you. If she's truly repented and been forgiven, she's square with God; and if that's the case, shouldn't she be square with you?

Good luck, mate.

[Harmony]

Trueblue2012 said: "If we end up getting married I would prefer neither of us to have sexual histories."

Since you both have histories that really isn't possible, even if you prefer it. She may have more of a history than you, but that doesn't mean you couldn't be a great couple. I would just evaluate how important she is to you, and how you feel about her as a person, and don't hold it against her that she has a past (as apparently you do too). It sounds like it might be a bit of a trust issue for you? If you really find that you love her and can't imagine life without her, that would be great start. If, however, you can't get rid of the thought of her having other relationships and it overshadows your positive feelings, you may have to let her go.

No one is perfect, and it would be sad if you let her go because of past actions that she has sincerely repented of. Don't know if that helps at all, but trusting your feelings, after sincere reflection is usually the best way to go.

[HSAB]

Can I ask why you think you are having such a difficult time with this? I married a man who was inactive for several years and has a past. I had never done anything beyond making out with people. But it never bothered me and still doesn't. If he didn't go through that time in his life and have those experiences then he wouldn't be the man that I love. I think that life experience and trials make people more complex and they can really be character building.

[Roy]

At the risk of oversharing. DW was advised by her doctor to use a device to break her hymen prior to marriage in preparation for easier sexual relations. I felt conflicted about it. It felt like a shame to preserve the hymen for so long just to break it some weeks before the wedding. And that was over a medically advised option!!!

I never told my spouse about my feelings (even today) because I also felt wrong for having them. It was confusing and I couldn't justify why her hymen should matter. I can tell you that by the time we got married it was a non-issue and probably helped us make our "first time" less complicated.

That being said, if this is going to continue to be a problem for you then it isn't fair to her to continue in the relationship. She deserves to build a relationship with someone that will not hold her past against her. Maybe that can be you - maybe not.

[cwald]

At the risk of oversharing. DW was advised by her doctor to use a device to break her hymen prior to marriage in preparation for easier sexual relations. I felt conflicted about it. It felt like a shame to preserve the hymen for so long just to break it some weeks before the wedding. And that was over a medically advised option!!!

I never told my spouse about my feelings (even today) because I also felt wrong for having them. It was confusing and I couldn't justify why her hymen should matter. I can tell you that by the time we got married it was a non-issue and probably helped us make our "first time" less complicated.

That being said, if this is going to continue to be a problem for you then it isn't fair to her to continue in the relationship. She deserves to build a relationship with someone that will not hold her past against her. Maybe that can be you - maybe not.

Yeah. The reason I can give no advice is because I've never really experienced or have any idea how these parties feel and what they are dealing with. I just don't know...and I will not pretend to...

Best of luck though friend, and welcome to staylds.

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