Marriage is taking a hit

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
Curt Sunshine
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by Curt Sunshine » 05 Feb 2015, 18:09

Praying as a couple is an extremely popular thing here, IF prayer is important to a spouse AND if it doesn't cause tension and difficulty.

Seriously, I think there are not many here who would not recommend it in those situations.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

startpoor
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by startpoor » 05 Feb 2015, 18:31

Sorry, my mistake. I think I was trying to be careful not to promote the unpopular idea of ones problems arising because one hasn't prayed enough. Looks like I over generalized.


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Curt Sunshine
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by Curt Sunshine » 05 Feb 2015, 18:33

It's cool - and I think we all agree completely with that concern.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

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LookingHard
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by LookingHard » 05 Feb 2015, 18:50

Yep - I would agree. I think I lost the majority of my faith after decades of praying for our marriage - even vocalizing this in nightly prayers together. I kept thinking "what am I doing wrong in my marriage and what am I doing wrong to make me unworthy of having my prayer answered?" The last few years of my prayers were, "God - help me know what to pray for because I don't even know what to pray for, but I know things are terribly wrong and I am so unhappy."

I don't know that prayer trumps someone else's free agency.

Eternity4me
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by Eternity4me » 05 Feb 2015, 22:51

It's funny so many of you mentioned praying together. My husband and I used to pray together every night, and we read the BOM aloud together every night. We finished it a few months back, just as I was starting my FC. He wanted to start over reading it again immediately and I just couldn't stomach it. And that's when we quit praying together. I don't miss either activity. And I understand the feeling of praying and praying for something to change, and not knowing what to say. I have reached the point of just being able to say "please help me God" over and over.

We don't discuss my FC, because he really doesn't want to hear about it. We had a long talk about a week ago about trust, and I felt better for a day or so, until I realized that he doesn't trust me as much as I trust him. That was a punch in the gut.

And so I have heeded the counsel given here--I don't nag him about my beliefs and my FC, always wanting to talk about it, I don't bash on his complete orthodoxy, I avoid subjects I know will be contentious (SSM), and I try to trust in my HF. I am not any happier today than I was a month or a year ago. I know I need to be patient, and also to decide if this is how I want to live my life. I know I want more. I have had more in the past and I want it again. I am not sure that God really cares if I have it again, and it is ultimately my decision. I have to get through the next 4 years. After that, I can decide what to do, both regarding my marriage and my participation in the church. It may be a long 4 years......

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LookingHard
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by LookingHard » 06 Feb 2015, 06:15

Eternity4me wrote:I have reached the point of just being able to say "please help me God" over and over.
If you are like me in my FC, they were some of the most fervent prayers.

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LDS_Scoutmaster
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 06 Feb 2015, 07:30

countrygirl444 wrote:It sounds like you are already doing a good job at this, but my biggest advice would be to keep respecting his beliefs. If my husband had not been so determined to take me out of the church with him we might have made it, but instead he felt the need to make me feel like everything I loved, and basically my whole life was nothing but rubbish.
Mutual respect is goes a long way when it comes to differences of opinion in any arena. I am a different person than :shh: when my DW and I got married, and she has become a different person over the years as well.
Don't get me wrong we've had our arguments over differences of opinion and one of us overbearing on the other because we don't understand their point of view or think their point of view is wrong. But those are temporary and we eventually get over it. There's much more to our marriage than just similar religious views. We have different religious views , and over the years of my faith evolution,, she has had hers in little ways as well.
Counseling is usually a good option, as it allows for open discussion and each of you can get things off of your chest, you may find that you are closer as a couple.
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

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Tim
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by Tim » 07 Feb 2015, 11:00

Getting divorce causes a lot more pain than you think. To you, your husband, and your kids. Not to mention the financial devastation.

Eternity4me
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by Eternity4me » 08 Feb 2015, 01:17

Tim,

I have been through a divorce before, and you are right, it is painful. But my husband is not the father of any of my children so that issue is a little easier to resolve. Not to mention that I have kept many of my assets as separate property, so the financial part is more easily worked out.

Interestingly, I had an ephiphany yesterday about all of this. My husband refuses to sign a durable power of attorney in the event he loses capacity. I signed one giving him power of attorney, and his refusal to sign made me angry. I felt he didn't trust me, yet I showed trust in him. The ephiphany came when I realized that the pain this causes me (which he doesn't seem to care about) is not much different than the pain my FC causes him. For some reason, it feels like we are on more equal footing. That has helped me immensely. I can't explain why, but perhaps it feels like we are now "even steven". Call me juvenile, but no one wants to hurt alone. Perhaps he can't help his feelings of distrust ( he claims it isn't distrust, just that he will never need it), any more than I can help the feelings I have about my FC. For whatever reason, I have felt more peace yesterday and today than I have felt in a while about my marriage. Maybe we are just equally distrustful :lol: Whatever, it is manageable for now.

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LDS_Scoutmaster
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 09 Feb 2015, 12:40

He must have reasons for not wanting to sign? Communication to find out where he stands and why he does or doesn't do what he does will help you both understand each other. I'm not implying that you're not communicating, but it sounds like there are reasons that you might not be aware of.
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

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