I'm tired

[Heber13]

Heber,

I'm tired because it has been a long, arduous journey that is still not over. I feel like I have spent my whole life trying to fit myself into a mold that is just too small. That and I have 3 kidlets who have been sick for the past week . But seriously, I am tired of so many things. The 3 hour block, being the only person in the GD class who knows anything about history, learning about following the prophet and not following Christ, the very small sphere of influence for women, scouts ( I have 2 boys and I disagree vehemently with BSA being affiliated with the church), etc. The funny thing to me is that I am so tired of church stuff but I can't get enough of the history and doctrinal discussions. Perhaps it is so ingrained as a part of me that I can't disentangle myself so I must talk about and study it. *sigh*

Yes... I *sigh* with you. They weren't joking when they said, "Endure to the end" were they? Endure describes perfectly my Sunday meetings.

My wife has a sign in our kitchen that reads, "Trying to pretend I'm normal day after day is exhausting!" Fitting in, or being something that you're not is tiring, I think.

I think that is what I'm working on as well. I have to let go of being the perfect family and trying to keep up with the Smith's in the ward...we are who we are...and I'm trying to get comfortable accepting myself and my family in our own skin, let go of the exhausting church stuff, and hold firmly to the church stuff that is dear to me. I think I can find a way to do that, but it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be 6 months ago when I started on that path. Since it has only been 6 months for me...I have a feeling this could take a while, but I find this site helpful as I express my views and work on that doctrinal stuff you are interested in as well.

I wish you well on your journey as well. All the best to ya!

[Rix]

... I feel like I have spent my whole life trying to fit myself into a mold that is just too small.

I want to talk about this...but first, welcome Ella!

I think this is a common thought. IOW, many that "learn" to live the gospel a bit diagonally from the classic TBM, still seem to feel guilty for doing so. I hang with a lot of NOMs and Exmos, and find it humorous that they still have the same guilt they had when TBM for not being perfect! The areas that they stress over are different, but they still stress and feel guilt and shame.

It seems the answer is to change the mold. It seems many on this forum have done this well -- -- including how the church is perceived. Self-empowerment entails doing life the way it works for you individually, and also building one's environment in a way that the puzzle pieces fit without too much pressure!

[bridget_night]

Heber,

bridget,

I so appreciate my incredible and unconventional mission companions. I have a friend who is an RM from a Brazilian mission. He is so numbers centered even now where I have a completely different take on things. He was shocked when I told him that I saw very few baptisms in my companionship for the entire mission. He was so proud of his hundreds and looked down on me for my experience, telling me I was unfaithful. Fortunately I know different and I am grateful for the love I learned.

Ella,

When I was a 'greenie' and had just arrived in Vienna Austria, my first companion had been screwed up by a real 'letter of the law' (all strict rules) type of companion so she was doing that to me. I was so exhausted at first trying to acclamaid myself to the altitude and time change. But this companion would tell me I had to follow the handbook to the letter. If it said wake up at 6 am. and go to bed at 10 pm. that was it. The handbook said,"tell your companion you love them everyday, " so she did. I finally told her I had enough and we were going to enjoy our missions and that she better not tell me she loves me just because the handbook says so and she hardly knows me. Then we relaxed and had fun. But, I hated district and zone meetings. They were like Amyway pep rallies and who had taught the most discussions. The pressure was so great that I actually shoved the gospel down someones throat once just to show I had taught a discussion. I felt like crap after that and swore I would never do it again. We tracted 80 hours a week with little results and trying to keep members from leaving. Our mission goal was one baptism a year and you were lucky if you got that. It was a tough mission until we came up with service projects and creative surveys that our mission president only tolerated. So, I agree with you totally on this.

[Ella Menno]

Rix,

I like that idea of living "diagonally". I wish I knew how to do it effectively. I think I am past the guilt and shame point. I probably wouldn't feel too bad if I actually left the church since my family is very open and accepting regardless of personal beliefs (my sister has left the church and we are all fine with it), but it is the culture in which I live that seems to dictate what I "should" be. Knowing that, I don't think it would be effective to leave the church because many of my personal religious beliefs are based upon LDS doctrines. I have deconstructed a lot of my preconceived ideas and made them my own, but there is always just a hit of mormonism that I don't really want to get rid of. Maybe it is superstition or it could be that those teachings speak to my soul, but I can't seem to make them fit with other religious dogmas. Perhaps it is a losing battle, or it could be that it is the only fight for which it is important for me to keep fighting. I have to be true to myself and true to God regardless of what society or the church think I should do or believe. If that means I have to eventually leave, so be it, but right now I am where I am.

[Rix]

Rix,

I like that idea of living "diagonally". I wish I knew how to do it effectively...or it could be that it is the only fight for which it is important for me to keep fighting. I have to be true to myself and true to God regardless of what society or the church think I should do or believe. If that means I have to eventually leave, so be it, but right now I am where I am.

Beautifully said, Ella! It can be a painful process while you're "in the midst" of the struggle, but it is beautiful to look back later and say, "that was an amazing journey! I am so glad I went through it!"

Oh, and my opinion? It doesn't matter where you end up -- just that you understand the purpose of the journey.

Good luck!

[Orson]

Welcome Ella, I'm glad you decided to join us!

I love what you said:

...I am beginning to see that it is not the church that will save me but my ability to love one another and my God.

I feel much the same myself. "The church" - the organization, is really just a bunch of people, useful but not perfect. We've all heard about trusting the arm of flesh. Love, on the other hand is the stuff of God, and I think we'd all do better to cultivate it and try to understand it more fully.

Again, Welcome!

[Daisy]

I'm tired, too. So glad to meet you here...my fellow sister missionary. I'm an RM myself (and female..LOL). I truly love it here, don't you? I have been struggling along in stage 4 for SO LONG and it IS tiring. I feel there is light coming!

[AmyJ]

I'm tired because it has been a long, arduous journey that is still not over. I feel like I have spent my whole life trying to fit myself into a mold that is just too small.

This fits me this week. I went to the Halloween Branch Festivities (not feeling well, so that might be part of it) and realized that I don't fit in very well. I have been trying to carve my niche (I know better to expect to fit in anywhere without effort), cover basic hygiene, and have a good attitude, smile a lot, and bring my H.E.L.P social skills (H= Hobbies/Health, E = Entertainment, L= Lifelong plans, P = short-term plans) and my trusty "Any Adventures lately?" question. I guess it just hit me like a sack of potatoes that I was trying very hard and it might not be worth it.

Nothing specifically bad happened. One of the sisters even said she had more 2T winter clothes for my daughter. I got a favorable answer from our branch president regarding part of my daughter's baptism talk.

For the first time, I really realized how much work it was to pretend to "fit in" and that it is a big illusion - because I don't fit in. Superficially, I don't usually wear makeup to church, I HATE cooking, can't sew very well, could care less about sports, fashion, or anything crafty.

Fundamentally, I work outside the home while my husband stays at home with our children and deals with his chronic health problems that are not socially acceptable. I am passionate about my husband's ADHD diagnosis, and advocating for my daughter's ADHD and/or probable Asperger's. Everyone can tell my daughter is different - but she blends in enough that she doesn't even get the "oh, I see what her needs are" that a person with a physical handicap would. My daughter does similar things to other kids, but at 7 still freaks out periodically about going to Primary, has restroom incidents in public, and would loose everything. One of the little girls in the ward is 6, and I trust her to handle our 14 month baby safer than I trust my daughter. When I talk to the Primary people, they say things like "She'll just outgrow it" or "She's so well-behaved" or it just becomes an awkward situation where they are humoring me because that is the polite thing to do. Yes, she may outgrow some of the obvious things, and Yes, she is well-behaved - because that is who she is. But that does not mean that the one size fits all approach will work for her. I am learning to advocate for my probable Asperger's as well. I got really good at managing to the point where I was just "quirky" - and now I am still figuring out how the description fits me and my life. I HATE small talk, meaningless conversations, people disliking me without trying to work on it or talk to me, people pretending around me.

I HATE that when I talk about the mental load of assisting to raise a family, I get shrugs, smiles and general "well, that's what women do.." I agree that may be the case - but what happens when that isn't? Or WHY does it have to be that way - WHY does it have to be culturally acceptable for women just to take care of it? I take care of most of it because my frontal lobe functions better then my husband's, and if that saying "if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself" holds true for more mental load things then not. But I don't shoulder it because I am female, or because I am the "mother" in my household and that is my job. I have managed to burn water, so my husband cooks for the family - because he is at home, can handle it, and has special dietary needs to handle.

That and I have 3 kidlets who have been sick for the past week . But seriously, I am tired of so many things. The 3 hour block, being the only person in the GD class who knows anything about history, learning about following the prophet and not following Christ, the very small sphere of influence for women, scouts ( I have 2 boys and I disagree vehemently with BSA being affiliated with the church), etc. The funny thing to me is that I am so tired of church stuff but I can't get enough of the history and doctrinal discussions. Perhaps it is so ingrained as a part of me that I can't disentangle myself so I must talk about and study it. *sigh*

We all had a cold and/or the flu over the last 10 days. It might be part of this vent...

I am passionate about some aspects of the gospel - there are certain speakers, principles and scriptures that I am passionate about. I usually know more background knowledge about the scriptures due to seminary and my mission. I also have done some research here and there about the bible and history. I deliberately try not to find the "most common" answers when looking at scripture passages, because I think that truths can be missed out if you parrot the same old, same old common answers/principles all the time. Also, doing what everyone else does has NEVER been my forte - if I manage to do what everyone else is doing, it is usually for a different, or very introspective personal reason. Having 2 girls, I am pretty lukewarm about the scouting thing in general. I guess 1 strike against me is that I just don't blindly follow anyone - it's not in me.

Yes... I *sigh* with you. They weren't joking when they said, "Endure to the end" were they? Endure describes perfectly my Sunday meetings.

I am in the "endure until Nursery" phase. I am thinking about telling the Branch President that I will happily cover nursery every Sunday I am there - but that I will refuse the calling officially because I hate calling for a substitute and I will let the Primary President know of any known Sunday missing. If they see me in Sacrament meeting, that means 90% of the time I am there for the whole block.

My wife has a sign in our kitchen that reads, "Trying to pretend I'm normal day after day is exhausting!" Fitting in, or being something that you're not is tiring, I think.

I will tell my husband to get this sign for us for Christmas

I think that is what I'm working on as well. I have to let go of being the perfect family and trying to keep up with the Smith's in the ward...we are who we are...and I'm trying to get comfortable accepting myself and my family in our own skin, let go of the exhausting church stuff, and hold firmly to the church stuff that is dear to me. I think I can find a way to do that, but it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be 6 months ago when I started on that path. Since it has only been 6 months for me...I have a feeling this could take a while, but I find this site helpful as I express my views and work on that doctrinal stuff you are interested in as well.

I think I spent the first 18 months of our marriage (out of 10.5 years) half-heartedly trying to be the "perfect" family - and then gave up. I am focusing on building a family where effective principles of communication, sanitation, respect, love/charity, kindness, integrity are cherished. Coping skills for bullying, social outcasting, first aid, unrealistic expectations, identifying needs (physical, spiritual, emotional), technology/media usage etc. are taught as well.

Part of why I am here is to sort out the church stuff that is dear to me. It feels like a long-drawn out version of going through your clothes every year. "This shirt of polygamy never fit or looked good on me, so let's chuck it to the trash, because it never fit anyone", "Oh, here's a robe of Charity - I need that", "I don't know how I feel about this tithing skirt - it's a good shade of green, but I don't wear it as often as I used to"...

I long to be done with the process, but recognize that the best things take the longest time to develop (cheese, kids, marriage, sourdough bread, some veggies). Also, due to this site I am more aware that going too fast causes more problems than it solves.

[LookingHard]

AmyJ - I wish your luck on your path. You are carrying a heavy load.

I do get the "I'm tired". I was tired even as a TBM, but I could walk the path familiarly even if my heart wasn't always "in it". But it is emotionally taxing being in a Faith Crisis and now a Faith Transition and trying to figure out how to come out and be more authentic about my beliefs. It does seem there is no real rest.

[SilentDawning]

Interesting, that is why my home teaching "family" (a member married to a non-member) told me when I met with him. He just said he was worn out from it all, and happy on the fringes. I'm that way too in the church. They gotta mix it up a bit to make it more interesting if they want to keep us idea-people.