Can't remember why I'm hurt but I still am!

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SilentDawning
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Joined: 09 May 2010, 19:55

Re: Can't remember why I'm hurt but I still am!

Post by SilentDawning » 12 Apr 2018, 06:30

LDS_Scoutmaster wrote:
11 Apr 2018, 11:57
I still have these little feelings of mistrust. Even though our interactions have been fine for the last 90 times we've interacted, those former 10 are still lingering back in my mind. I'm really not one to hold a grudge, but like 'forgiveness does not equate to trust', I've forgiven but I can't trust. My conditioned response is not to trust.
I have no evidence these people have changed, and even if they did, the "10 experiences still lingering" are ready to pounce if they revert to it again. Or do something that even makes me wonder if they are reverting to it (even if in their mind, they are not). Their changing, of course, isn't the condition, or trigger for forgiveness, but it is a trigger for trusting them again and maybe lessening the hurt.
I don't know what will work for you, but don't give them anything more. Slip out from under the weight however you can and find peace.
I think lessening my church involvement has brought a ton of peace. When I move away, I will forget them.

As I've aged, lost my good looks and charisma, and see the possibliity of being single in the next 10-15 years, in retirement, I realize that no one really cares about your personal hell. They can't -- they can't let it absorb all their personal time as they have peace to achieve too. We are all independent "feeling centers" and have to own and manage our hurt and suffering as best we can on our own. People can help us get temporary relief and it helps, but ultimately, we are alone in dealing with it.

I like your idea of forgiving the person for "who they are". Although it may lack a bit of charity as it implies they are woefully deficient. That too is kind of judgmental.

The other thing, if the people who wronged us lined us up with sincere apologies and gifts and showed they'd changed, would even that change our minds? Remove the hurt and personal hell? Erase the "hum" that spells over into church inactivity or lack of commitment? I think not. The hum is more powerful than the words.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"Stage 5 is where you no longer believe the gospel as its literally or traditionally taught. Nonetheless, you find your own way to be active and at peace within it". -- SD

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

My introduction: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1576

Minyan Man
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Joined: 15 Sep 2011, 13:40

Re: Can't remember why I'm hurt but I still am!

Post by Minyan Man » 12 Apr 2018, 07:51

There are people in my ward that I avoid & I can't tell you (specifically) why.
There are people in my ward that (I'm sure) avoid me & can't say why.

We will never accept or be friends with everyone we come in contact with.
Inside the church or in outside world. I do have a core of friends (and relatives) in both worlds who
I love, cherish & rely on. And they do the same in return. For now, that's enough for me.
(I hope that makes sense.)

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LDS_Scoutmaster
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Joined: 21 Jan 2015, 23:30
Location: SoCal

Re: Can't remember why I'm hurt but I still am!

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 12 Apr 2018, 08:50

SilentDawning wrote:
12 Apr 2018, 06:30
I have no evidence these people have changed, and even if they did, the "10 experiences still lingering" are ready to pounce if they revert to it again. Or do something that even makes me wonder if they are reverting to it (even if in their mind, they are not). Their changing, of course, isn't the condition, or trigger for forgiveness, but it is a trigger for trusting them again and maybe lessening the hurt.
Yes my example wasn't quite the same as yours, and if you had asked me the same question while I was in the middle of that experience I would have had a totally different answer. It would have included some colorful adjectives.

The trust issue for me is a difficult one, in that I used to instantly retreat people. If the said something I took it at face value as it was what it was. I have a family member who came to me to make amends, and I had already forgiven him, but I know that there is no way I can trust him. You're right maybe it is judgemental, but I know what kind of person he is ultimately, and I see ulterior motives, and I expect the stab in the back later.
SilentDawning wrote:
12 Apr 2018, 06:30
I realize that no one really cares about your personal hell. ... People can help us get temporary relief and it helps, but ultimately, we are alone in dealing with it.
i try to be empathetic, caring, and helpful, but I can only do so much. I realized this as well, when my niece said that no one cared. She was going through a lot and we were trying to help, but ultimately she had to deal with it on her own and get out of it, otherwise she would just end up putting herself in the same situation again. When she finally got out of it by having it, she didn't end up back there again.
SilentDawning wrote:
12 Apr 2018, 06:30
I like your idea of forgiving the person for "who they are". Although it may lack a bit of charity as it implies they are woefully deficient. That too is kind of judgmental.


We're all woefully deficient in some sense. Like my family member who wanted to make amends, I know who he is. I've been forgiving over the years, tolerated, and trusted. So I forgive again, and no longer trust. is it judgemental? Yes. I've judged him on 30 years of experience and found a pattern. I still will be cordial, try to be friendly, but ultimately I know who he is. Like your ward member sitting behind you, ultimately you know who she is. Forgive her, but don't trust her or have a relationship with her. Just like separating the church and the gospel, I had to separate forgiveness from trust.
Minyan Man wrote:
12 Apr 2018, 07:51
There are people in my ward that I avoid & I can't tell you (specifically) why.
I agree with mm, i avoid certain people.
SilentDawning wrote:
12 Apr 2018, 06:30
... if the people who wronged us lined us up with sincere apologies and gifts and showed they'd changed, would even that change our minds? Remove the hurt and personal hell?
My heart melts when someone repents, offers an olive leaf, tries to reconcile. And yes, for me at least it does remove some of the hurt, but it doesn't instantly heal the wound. I put a band-aid on it, anoint with healing salve, and allow time to mend. The bandaid is for my protection, it is to prevent further wounding, it is the trust that was broken.

If you are continuing to be assaulted, there's no time to heal. The hum that drones on in the background, some therapy may help to alleviate it. I know you said you're sick of talking about it and the particulars may not be able to be recalled, but getting it out and having some ways to deal with the feelings as they arise may help to curb it.

It sucks to go through hurt and if there are any healing vibes that can be sent across state lines and through the anonymity of the internet, I'll send them your way.
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

university
Posts: 150
Joined: 15 Mar 2014, 17:19

Re: Can't remember why I'm hurt but I still am!

Post by university » 13 Apr 2018, 21:05

SilentDawning wrote:
09 Apr 2018, 21:17
Doctor told me some people's brains are more sensitive to emotion, and mine is definitely. When I feel things, I really feel things. And they make a really strong memory....I wish I didn't have that characteristic -- it serves no good purpose I can see. It creates long lasting memories that can be very powerful from a feeling perspective, even though the details are gone.
I share this characteristic. Because of this, I vividly remember details of abusive episodes during my childhood. I also remember slights and offenses that other people forget. Other times I just still feel the emotions even though the specifics are gone. I know it doesn't seem like it does very much good, but recently a family member lamented to me that they don't have a strong as a memory and wished they could recall the things I could. Just some perspective.
SilentDawning wrote:
09 Apr 2018, 21:17
I think getting away from these women would help. I find it hard when people are unrepentant after they have caused severe pain. Sure, gospel says I'm the worse sinner (which I don't believe), but that is where my disposition leads me...and I can't seem to shake it off.
Do not feel guilty. You are not the worse sinner. I've fought against this impulse, too. Now, I have finally gotten to the point where I can finally socialize with someone who abused me during my childhood and to this day is unapologetic about it. Would I ever allow them into my personal life? Nope. But time apart gave me space to process what took place and let go...as much as I can. I'm no longer afraid. They have no power over me. But you can bet years ago just seeing them made me physically scared. I think what you're experiencing is natural and you shouldn't feel bad about it. You were severely hurt by this woman. You may not remember all the details but your brain recognizes the emotional threat they are and is telling you to be weary. I think, in some ways, God gave us a body to work with us. This is your mind reminding you of a threat. Try not to feel guilty. I wish you the best with coming to terms with what happened. There is no time limit on when that will happen for you.

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SilentDawning
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Re: Can't remember why I'm hurt but I still am!

Post by SilentDawning » 14 Apr 2018, 08:25

university wrote:
13 Apr 2018, 21:05
SilentDawning wrote:
09 Apr 2018, 21:17
Doctor told me some people's brains are more sensitive to emotion, and mine is definitely. When I feel things, I really feel things. And they make a really strong memory....I wish I didn't have that characteristic -- it serves no good purpose I can see. It creates long lasting memories that can be very powerful from a feeling perspective, even though the details are gone.
I share this characteristic. Because of this, I vividly remember details of abusive episodes during my childhood. I also remember slights and offenses that other people forget. Other times I just still feel the emotions even though the specifics are gone. I know it doesn't seem like it does very much good, but recently a family member lamented to me that they don't have a strong as a memory and wished they could recall the things I could. Just some perspective.
SilentDawning wrote:
09 Apr 2018, 21:17
I think getting away from these women would help. I find it hard when people are unrepentant after they have caused severe pain. Sure, gospel says I'm the worse sinner (which I don't believe), but that is where my disposition leads me...and I can't seem to shake it off.
Do not feel guilty. You are not the worse sinner. I've fought against this impulse, too. Now, I have finally gotten to the point where I can finally socialize with someone who abused me during my childhood and to this day is unapologetic about it. Would I ever allow them into my personal life? Nope. But time apart gave me space to process what took place and let go...as much as I can. I'm no longer afraid. They have no power over me. But you can bet years ago just seeing them made me physically scared. I think what you're experiencing is natural and you shouldn't feel bad about it. You were severely hurt by this woman. You may not remember all the details but your brain recognizes the emotional threat they are and is telling you to be weary. I think, in some ways, God gave us a body to work with us. This is your mind reminding you of a threat. Try not to feel guilty. I wish you the best with coming to terms with what happened. There is no time limit on when that will happen for you.
I wish we could put this in the D&C as a proclamation or scripture. It''s compassionate and accommodates the fact that people's genetics are different.

There are studies from STanford on happiness -- and guess what -- 50% of our happiness is supposed to be genetic, 10% is due to our life's circumstances, and 40% is up to us. They call it the 40% solution. it seems the scriptures and judgmental gospel thumpers think it's 100% up to you. It's not!!!
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"Stage 5 is where you no longer believe the gospel as its literally or traditionally taught. Nonetheless, you find your own way to be active and at peace within it". -- SD

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

My introduction: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1576

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