The P and M words....

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Spocklover
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The P and M words....

Post by Spocklover » 12 Sep 2017, 09:36

Yesterday I found out my 10 year old daughter has been looking at P and experimenting with M. (Not using the words so people can still safe search). This came as a huge blow to me. I still see her as my innocent little baby and I thought I had done a good job talking to her about things. We had a basic s*x talk a while back because I wanted her to learn things from me and not school. She is my oldest so it was my first time having the talk but I thought I did ok. But apparently she was curious to learn more and too embarrassed to talk to me. We had a long long talk about things yesterday and I tried to be as open and calm as possible so that she could feel comfortable talking to me. It broke my heart to hear how much she has seen at such a young age. We are very strict about electronic use but she found a way around it. We will now be tightening our watch to help fill the gap she found to help in the future. I tried to have a frank conversation about why these things are not appropriate at her age and for anyone in our family views. I brought up spiritual reasons but also just plain old facts of what they can do to your brain. I have her tips of how to deal with those feelings and promised to help if she promised to come talk to me anytime.

Anyways, I am looking for a little support for those who may have gone through this with their kids. What else should I do besides talking to her and watching the electronics. I will NOT have her talk to the bishop, this is a family matter. I also am really struggling with feeling like I failed her. Logically I know that it is almost impossible to never see anything but I had hopes that it would never happen or would be mild. But she has seen some pretty graphic things. I just feel horrible and am pretty down today. I feel emotionally drained, it probably doesn't help that my husband is out of town so I am dealing with this alone. Help....

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hawkgrrrl
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Re: The P and M words....

Post by hawkgrrrl » 12 Sep 2017, 10:16

I haven't been in your same situation, but I want to remind you of two things:
1) kids these days have seen sooooo much more than we ever did at increasingly younger ages.
2) you haven't failed her as a parent. Kids come with their own personalities and interests and ways to find out about things. You didn't tell her to do this, encourage her to do it, and you were concerned about it. It's not your doing.

Some M in childhood is not that unusual, although the P sounds like she's gone a little further than what is average (or what used to be). Your concerns about brain development are important. A good friend once said his advice to his son was to have other interests, too, because otherwise he'd end up a very boring person. Perhaps finding other things she can spend time on that are more sociable activities might help.

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LookingHard
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Re: The P and M words....

Post by LookingHard » 12 Sep 2017, 11:14

It sounds like you are doing a good job as a parent and you are just shocked at the world your kids live in.

We had some discussion a bit back just a while viewtopic.php?f=9&t=6664&p=92915#p92915

My all time fav on p0rn is https://medium.com/@ungewissen/the-nake ... 70a27fdb59

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dande48
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Re: The P and M words....

Post by dande48 » 12 Sep 2017, 11:45

I'm so sorry to hear that. While I'm guessing most everyone has "stumbled" upon the P, it's tough when it happens much younger than we expect. I don't know how most people make it without at least three filters. I've got "Ad Block Plus", "Video Blocker", and "K9" all on my personal computer, and more smut still gets through than I'd like.

My daughter still has difficulty with basic muscle coordination and communication, so I hope it'll be a while before we have to deal with this issue. But I just wanted to say three things:

1. This is not your fault; you tried to monitor and keep a tight grip. Any sort of internet monitoring is going to have its exploits. You are a wonderful mother.
2. This is not your daughter's fault; we live in a hyper-sexualized culture, exacerbated by the internet. Sexuality is a very strong biological influence, even before we know what sex is. As a kid, I struggled with M* before I knew what M* was, or had any concept of female anatomy. When you don't know any better, it's still harmful, but you really can't be held accountable for it. What matters, is doing what we can to prevent it from happening in the future.
3. Everything will be OK. Your daughter will be fine.

Side note: I really wish they had greater resources for women and girls who struggle with this.
"The whole world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel." - Horace Walpole

"Even though there are no ways of knowing for sure, there are ways of knowing for pretty sure."
-Lemony Snicket

Roy
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Re: The P and M words....

Post by Roy » 12 Sep 2017, 13:35

My oldest daughter is 11.

We have had the birds and the bees conversation a few times when it seemed appropriate. I try to let her questions guide me in how much detail is appropriate for her age. I feel that this conversation ties in with body image and acceptance. I have tried to foster in my children a sense of how amazing the human body is (my favorites are the skeletal and digestive systems). We also have a fairly open door household where nudity is no shocker.

My plan specifically in regards to P and M is that P is fantasy and dehumanizing. It is not real and should not be used as a guide for mature sexual interaction. It can be addictive and can prove a barrier to healthy relationships with members of the opposite gender.

As for M, I suppose that moderation is the key there. It is natural to feel interest, curiosity, and attraction. I like what Hawkgrrrl said about having other interests too. Personally, I would much rather have my children fantasizing and imagining about things that occur to their minds naturally than some P marketer's warped ideas about how to sell more smut. I find it important to stress that everyone is a whole person with feelings, hopes, and dreams and to not lose sight and respect for that.

I should also add that we have had had to limit the television programming that our children may view. Some anime is intended for a more YA audience. If our child desires to view something PG-13 then a parent must be present. My wife has also installed "the circle". My understanding is that it monitors all the bandwidth usage that comes through our internet connection and can restrict certain usages.
Spocklover wrote:
12 Sep 2017, 09:36
I brought up spiritual reasons but also just plain old facts of what they can do to your brain. I have her tips of how to deal with those feelings and promised to help if she promised to come talk to me anytime.
I am very interested to know about how P affects developing brains. Certainly, I can understand why it would be immoral to experiment on young people but is there a study someone could point me to? I am also curious on the tips on how to deal with those feelings. Are we talking cold showers and singing primary songs or something else?

Crossing my fingers as I muddle through parenting just like anybody else.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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hawkgrrrl
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Re: The P and M words....

Post by hawkgrrrl » 12 Sep 2017, 14:20


Roy
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Re: The P and M words....

Post by Roy » 12 Sep 2017, 15:03

Thank you. Very informative.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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Spocklover
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Re: The P and M words....

Post by Spocklover » 12 Sep 2017, 17:11

Roy wrote:
12 Sep 2017, 13:35
My oldest daughter is 11.


Spocklover wrote:
12 Sep 2017, 09:36
I brought up spiritual reasons but also just plain old facts of what they can do to your brain. I have her tips of how to deal with those feelings and promised to help if she promised to come talk to me anytime.
I am very interested to know about how P affects developing brains. Certainly, I can understand why it would be immoral to experiment on young people but is there a study someone could point me to? I am also curious on the tips on how to deal with those feelings. Are we talking cold showers and singing primary songs or something else?

Crossing my fingers as I muddle through parenting just like anybody else.
I suggested if she was having urges we could distract her by having girl time, painting nails, going on walks etc. Not sure if that will help but I thought I would try. Just doing my best at this hard parenting thing.

I was going to find some links for you after work but I see someone else already did. I will look for some that I have read.

Thank you so much for everyone's help, keep it coming! Your support has made me feel a lot better today.

Roy
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Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: The P and M words....

Post by Roy » 13 Sep 2017, 09:50

Spocklover wrote:
12 Sep 2017, 17:11
I suggested if she was having urges we could distract her by having girl time, painting nails, going on walks etc. Not sure if that will help but I thought I would try. Just doing my best at this hard parenting thing.
I believe that giving tangible evidence of your love, support, and acceptance (quality time) will be invaluable to your daughter as she navigates the choppy waters of adolescence. My only suggestion is to initiate and not wait for her to come to you needing distraction from urges. (you were probably going to do this already but I could not tell from the writing.)
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

Roy
Posts: 5129
Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: The P and M words....

Post by Roy » 13 Sep 2017, 09:53

For the benefit of anyone that did not have time to read the articles. The Psychology today one had the following advice:
• Know what your children are watching, playing and listening to and take advantage of teachable moments to discuss any inappropriate content or behaviors with them.

• Set and enforce limits around screen time.

• Make use of Internet filters and parental controls.

• Share your family’s values and expectations regarding sex and relationships.

• Talk to your child about media representations of sex, relationships and gender roles and teach them to question the accuracy and intent of the messages they receive.

• Model healthy, respectful relationships and self-worth.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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