How do you handle anger?

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SilentDawning
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How do you handle anger?

Post by SilentDawning » 22 Apr 2015, 06:33

Mike suggested this thread, so I thought I would post it here:
Another topic that I want to explore sometime is: How do you handle anger?
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

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SilentDawning
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by SilentDawning » 22 Apr 2015, 06:48

I handle anger by first giving myself time, whenever possible, to let the anger subside. It's only when that anger is over with that I can think clearly about what to do about the situation that made me angry.

After the anger subsides, I normally assess my objectives in the situation, as well as the possible alternatives, and their implications. After a long time, it seems, I then act.

One thing I have learned NOT to do, is to simply tell the person who made me angry that they made me angry. Perhaps In my family, but definitely not to third parties in my work and service contexts. I find this accomplishes nothing other than hurting the relationship. It's only when there is an issue to be resolved, or something I need from the person that I will address the emotional side -- but only if necessary. But even when I do, I never say "angry" -- I may refer to feeling "disturbed" or "puzzled", but never use angry. Do that and you lose the battle.

I have to resist feelings of retaliation. I do this by reminding myself of a boss I once had who was vindictive. If someone did something she didn't like, she would punish them in some way by withholding a privilege, giving a bad review, ignoring them, or something -- I have the ability to be vindictive, but I do reflect on this vindictive manager and remind myself I never want to be like her. And that seems to be motivation enough to prevent my anger from turning into aggression.

At times, I have written in my journal, a letter to the person that provides the unvarnished truth, and yes, I lets my anger show. I never send it. Sometimes I delete it. If I read it years later, it's sometimes actually kind of funny.

Removing reminders of the anger trigger, provided this removal is not costly or destructive, has always been a good strategy for preventing anger from rekindling.

Last, I reflect on the demeanor of people I have met who have high levels of emotional intelligence. They never seem to get ruffled even when life is crashing down around them. They also don't blame themselves for the event that triggered the anger. When I remind myself of how people I ADMIRE react, this seems to help me get over the anger and act in a reasonable manner.
Last edited by SilentDawning on 22 Apr 2015, 11:43, edited 4 times in total.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

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mom3
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by mom3 » 22 Apr 2015, 06:51

With a baseball bat and a tree. The tree won. I broke the bat.
"I stayed because it was God and Jesus Christ that I wanted to follow and be like, not individual human beings." Chieko Okazaki Dialogue interview

"I am coming to envision a new persona for the Church as humble followers of Jesus Christ....Joseph and his early followers came forth with lots of triumphalist rhetoric, but I think we need a new voice, one of humility, friendship and service. We should teach people to believe in God because it will soften their hearts and make them more willing to serve." - Richard Bushman

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LookingHard
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by LookingHard » 22 Apr 2015, 09:26

I don't usually react and I feel it is a positive character trait to be able to control your temper. At work as a manager that is seen as something very positive and has served me well.

With my kids I have not lost my temper in probably 10 years. That is their mom's job. :-) I am probably give them a bit of a doubt due to how harsh I feel my wife is towards them. Actually one of my older teenage son was really pushing, "I am entitled and you are going to give me what I want" for a few days and I did let him have it a bit. I did it without raising my voice, but it was fairly clear that I had had enough.

Just re-reading the above and it sounds like I am perfect at this - which is not true. Some of it I feel is just with age and figuring out a lot of things are not worth getting upset over - or maybe a side issue of being mildly depressed and feeling like, "who cares?" (I am not in THAT dark of space that anybody needs to worry, but maybe contributing).

As a teenager, I was more like Mom's post. I would go in the back yard and throw stuff at the fence in a wild tantrum. I scared my mom with the amount of physicality I had with my temper. Never focused at people, but she worried.

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West
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by West » 22 Apr 2015, 09:51

I remove myself from the situation. If I am alone, I can give myself time to calm down without escalating it. I do tend to escalate it in my mind for a minute to a few minutes, but eventually, I often see how ridiculous it might be to be that angry, and I calm down and can go face the issue. Being alone can be as simple as locking myself in the bathroom for a bit. If that's not an option, I try to distract myself with other things.
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. -Albert Einstein

And God said 'Love Your Enemy,' and I obeyed him and loved myself. -Kahlil Gibran

DancingCarrot
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by DancingCarrot » 22 Apr 2015, 20:08

Ooh, I may not be so well-versed with anger techniques as others have replied with. :oops: :D

Out of the range of human emotions, anger is one that I tend towards the most. It's almost always coupled with some form of arrogance (also, for MBTI geeks, I'm an INTJ and I've found that anger and arrogance are qualities that are almost inherent in us so...). Depending on the situation, I can pass through it in a certain amount of time. For things that seemingly come out of the blue, I need ample space and time to vent. It may not be right away, but it needs to be soon. I need someone to talk to, almost incessantly, to the point where I start to repeat myself. Then I start getting tired. Through my many bouts of anger, I've learned that anger is extremely exhausting and I can't sustain it for too long anymore anyway. Once I start getting tired, I can move on to distractions. When I'm distracted, my brain (or HG or Spirit or whatever is doing the work, I don't know) goes to work linking things without my conscious attention. Then, some time later, just as out of the blue as the initial situation may have come, I get a small nugget of an idea on how to address the issue. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm super great the next time a similar situation comes around. :lol: Plus, it's taken me about 8 years since my angsty, angry teenage years to get this far, so I also think that some it will just work itself out as I keep living. At least I hope so. :shock:
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. -Dumbledore

Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine. Together we can see what we will find. -Mumford & Sons

Minyan Man
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by Minyan Man » 22 Apr 2015, 21:31

For me, Anger is an interesting emotion. In most circumstances, I am slow to anger. The reality is, I've been seriously angry only a few times. The last (serious) time was the start of my FC. It took a lot of time & work to get through. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have a daughter from my previous marriage. She was sexually abused at 13. I then got custody & she came to live with us. I would go to church & tried to find spiritual answers & the answers wouldn't come. I prayed, talked to Bishops, talked to my wife, talked to professionals. Nothing seems to work & life got blacker. It got to a point where I wanted revenge. My brother was a policeman at the time & I said, if the person who did this act ever died under suspicious circumstances, you might as well come to me. At the time, I think I could of killed & not felt any guilt.

When anger gets to this level, it becomes dangerous. It can take years to work through. At this level, it's not the same as loosing your temper. I considered the situation as
righteous indignation
At this level, there is nothing righteous about it. I felt completely justified in my anger. As a result, I became very self destructive. This site helped me to work through this phase of my life. I have a good HT that helped us too.

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SamBee
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by SamBee » 23 Apr 2015, 09:29

SilentDawning wrote:How do you handle anger?
Not very well. But then again, I am a Celt, we're still P.O.'d about things that happened centuries ago.
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

Minyan Man
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by Minyan Man » 23 Apr 2015, 14:24

Are Celts Irish? I'm primarily Irish. When we get angry, we go to war.
My Father rarely got angry. When he did, you could see it in his eyes.
It gave you a couple of seconds head start before things hit the fan.

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SamBee
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Re: How do you handle anger?

Post by SamBee » 24 Apr 2015, 04:00

Mike wrote:Are Celts Irish? I'm primarily Irish.
Some are, but some aren't...
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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