How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

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SilentDawning
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How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by SilentDawning » 24 Dec 2013, 13:56

How would/do you feel if your kids do not/are not active in the church when they get to make their own choices?

I was talking to a TBM friend the other day, and he told me neither of his sons care about the church. The one who is an adult wants nothing to do with it. My TBM friend commented that "at times I wonder what the point of it all is now".

I would like to see what you all think...and what your hopes are for your family if it turns out none of your kids are active in the church as adults or late teenagers...
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"Stage 5 is where you no longer believe the gospel as its literally or traditionally taught. Nonetheless, you find your own way to be active and at peace within it". -- SD

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

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Curt Sunshine
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Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by Curt Sunshine » 24 Dec 2013, 19:45

I've told my kids I will support them in whatever choices they make, and I have to be willing to mean it.

I told my second son I supported his decision not to serve a mission, and I did (and still do).

I told two of my children I would support them if they decided to marry outside the temple, and, while neither has done so at this point, I will if one or both of them make that decision.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

VikingCompass

Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by VikingCompass » 25 Dec 2013, 00:10

Myself, I have the same batting average as my Pop. .250, which ain't bad, unless Sister Stikupperump is at the podium lying about her 1000 average...

When we're born it's like we get a brand new airplane. At first our parents fly it for us, then fly it with us and ultimately parents have to sit in coach and watch...

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Daeruin
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Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by Daeruin » 29 Dec 2013, 15:41

I go back and forth sometimes. As a kid and young adult I was really happy in the church, and a big part of me wants them to have the exact same upbringing. As an adult, I would like my kids to come to the same conclusions that I have, so I can talk to them about it. But then I realize I'm basically wishing for my kids to be clones of me, and that's not the point. I hope I can achieve what Ray talks about, where I can feel good supporting my kids no matter what they decide later in life.
"Not all those who wander are lost" —Tolkien

Ann
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Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by Ann » 29 Dec 2013, 18:38

SilentDawning wrote:How would/do you feel if your kids do not/are not active in the church when they get to make their own choices?
If they were happy, well-adjusted, married to good people, equipped for life's challenges, strengthened and inspired by whatever belief they do have, making a contribution to society, and still loving their parents. . . . How could I be upset? The closest we've gotten to "what if" scenarios has been one conversation about marriage. I did say that I cared more about who they married than where they married.
"Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery." - Joseph Campbell

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"Therefore they said unto him, How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said unto them, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes...." - John 9:10-11

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DarkJedi
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Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by DarkJedi » 29 Dec 2013, 20:55

I have a semi active adult daughter who I support fully regardless of her decisions regarding church/attendance. DW and I don't really see eye-to-eye on the subject and she is much more prone to judge and pester her about her church attendance. DD knows this and usually doesn't share how often she does or doesn't attend, although she does seem to be more open to me about it. I also have a son serving a mission, so obviously he is very active at the moment. The other two are teens, and whatever choice they make I will be supportive. DW is currently nagging the older one, a senior in high school, to attend BYU like his siblings both did. He isn't opposed to BYU, but he also has the ability (smarts) to get into pretty much any other top school he chooses. He has done his BYU application, but he also has applied to other schools. From a financial standpoint, BYU is a bargain for us Easterners - it costs roughly the same as SUNY schools (and there are some very good SUNY schools). Again I support him in his choice whether it be BYU or not (although I have counseled him about the huge debt associated with the myriad of private liberal arts colleges we have in the East) but if doesn't choose BYU we may have a battle to wage with Mom. While we have never deeply discussed it, he does know I have questions/doubts and he is a thinker so I'm pretty sure he has some doubts, too. The younger son definitely has doubts.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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Gerald
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Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by Gerald » 30 Dec 2013, 07:14

I was talking to a TBM friend the other day, and he told me neither of his sons care about the church. The one who is an adult wants nothing to do with it. My TBM friend commented that "at times I wonder what the point of it all is now".
What a sad statement! SD's friend totally misunderstands the true nature of children. One of the best books I read on the subject was the Blank Slate by Stephen Pinker. In one chapter, he challenges the assumptions that parents make that they are the true shapers of their children. Children come into this world with their own preset strengths and weaknesses (given our theology this should be no surprise). In addition, children come into this world with agency (again no surprise) and the combination of inclinations and agency may lead them down other paths. Pinker then notes that parents when confronted with such realities often say "well, what's the point? All these sacrifices and time and energy and NO control over the outcome?"

He then makes two points: while we have no control over their tomorrows, we have the ability to make their todays wonderful or miserable. His second point: our children are PEOPLE not medals of honor or achievement.
So through the dusk of dead, blank-legended And unremunerative years we search to get where life begins, and still we groan because we do not find the living spark where no spark ever was; and thus we die, still searching, like poor old astronomers who totter off to bed and go to sleep, to dream of untriangulated stars.
---Edwin Arlington Robinson---

Roy
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Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by Roy » 30 Dec 2013, 10:19

+ 1 to Gerald's entire comment

I like to think of myself as a guide or life coach. Ultimately the life is theirs to live!
Gerald wrote:while we have no control over their tomorrows, we have the ability to make their todays wonderful or miserable.
I came to a hard realization that we are not promised tomorrow. My kids might suddenly be taken or I might be the one to die and they might grow without a father. I resolve to not sacrifice today in preparation for tomorrow which might never come. I try to live so that each day, week, month, and year is fulfilling and meaningful unto itself.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

Curt Sunshine
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Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by Curt Sunshine » 30 Dec 2013, 11:09

Beautiful, Gerald and Roy.

Thank you.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

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Katzpur
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Re: How will you feel if your kids do not grow up active?

Post by Katzpur » 31 Dec 2013, 16:18

For me, this is not a "how will you feel if..." but a "how do you feel since..." question. I have a 34-year old son and a 31-year-old daughter and neither is active in the Church. Both are living with significant others. We have a good relationship, but that's only because I make it a point not to mention the Church in our conversations. It truly breaks my heart, and no matter what anybody tells me, I blame myself. Yes, they have their agency, but somehow I must have gone wrong in raising them.
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." ~Rudyard Kipling ~

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