I am still on the fence when it comes to my membership in the Church. For every issue(s) I begin to understand more or see in a different light, another comes up in its place.
Just the other day, I thought I had figured it all out...on another forum, I wrote the following: (I am being lazy and copy and pasting it)
Then today, I was reading through some posts on NOM and came across some ideas, I hadnt realised and once again there are practises and doctrines which I am questioning..Finding my testimony once more...
As most of you know I was baptised LDS two years ago, left the Church, came back and then left the Church again. Although each time I left, the Church was always in the back of my mind. I did have a few issues, maybe through lack of understanding, however this recent few weeks, I have been thinking things over, praying about them and most things, which didnt before, are making sense! I seem to be able to look upon things with a whole new perspective!
I have always kept in touch with many of my friends from Church and have tried to see them as much as possible. The other night, two of my friends and I planned a girly night in so that we could all have a good chat about things (on my request). It just so happens that these two lovely friends of mine are also my visiting teachers which I am thrilled about!
The sense of relief I had from explaining my true inner feelings which I usually keep locked away in a battle of heart vs head was wonderful. I have finally come to the conclusion that my family will never except my membership and to avoid any hurt or loss of relationships and tension (there is enough to deal with in the family at the moment), my intent to one day return to the Church where I feel free must be kept from them. I do not like to decieve them, but I feel it is the lesser of the two evils, causing less upset in the long run. I still live under my parents roof and it means for the time being, I am unable to attend Church on a Sunday, but one day, when my life is fully my own....I love my family, I love my Church and I would like everyone to be happy....
It was amazing to hear one of my friends describe me in a way no-one has ever done! She is the first person to notice, that I am only my true self when I am in the Church and it is only then that my *inner child* (as we called it) is released. Any other time, I am a different person, guarded with what I say and almost unemotional. My family and non-member friends have never seen my cry very often, yet my church friends have seen me weep with the Spirit while I have been bearing my testimony. I told them that I feel like I am too different people sometimes. It is a battle between the heart and mind. My heart is with the Church, but sometime my mind keeps it under lock and key and doesnt let it out! Does this make sense?
The amazing thing was though this conversation, I began to feel the Spirit once more. When I returned home, I got on my knees and prayed. It was the first time ever it has felt right while I was praying and the feeling and comfort I gained from that was amazing, it was like a blanket being wrapped around me. Then when I was lying in bed, I was thinking about everything when my mind turned to Joseph Smith. Suddenly, and for only a moment I could actually see his face. I have never been able to open my mind enough to be able to visualise the images I imagine. It made me jump half a mile out the bed, but it was amazing and showed me that the Lord is there looking over me, and guiding me through my very long, and bumpy road.
Anyway I know this probably isnt of great interest to you, but this is a safe place where I can speak my true feelings as my family dont know of this site. It feels good to be able to let my inner child play!
My heart is with the Church and always will be and I long for the day when I can return fully!
1) The idea of a man being able to be sealed to more than one wife, but a woman cannot be sealed to more than one man
2) The fact that when women have a calling, the leaders ask their husbands (whether a member or not) if they agree. Also a woman has to have permission to be baptised from her husband, a man does not need permisson from his wife.
Little things like this that keep cropping up and overshadowing the postivies I come across. Will this ever end? Will I ever be able to find a happy medium where I am just happy?