Joke of the Day

Public forum for topics that don't fit into the other categories.
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nibbler
Posts: 3707
Joined: 14 Nov 2013, 07:34
Location: Ten miles west of the exact centre of the universe

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by nibbler » 27 Oct 2017, 09:44

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold
-Jesus

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SamBee
Posts: 4969
Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SamBee » 12 Nov 2017, 10:59

A few years before the outbreak of WWI, David Morris, a Welsh protestant minister, was in a terrible shipwreck. He found himself washed up, alone, on the shores of a small and uninhabited island.

It was ten years before he was rescued. A ship was passing and had seen his smoke-signal.

The captain himself came ashore to meet the castaway, and was very impressed at the way Morris had kept himself busy bringing civilisation to the island.

"Oh I say! You've done very well! You were stranded here alone with no tools and you've built a little terrace of houses, a shop, an electricity generator ... Oh, and you've built a chapel on the hill over there!"

The captain then noticed another chapel on the other hill. "But tell me, why did you build two of them?"

Morris replied: "Well, that's the one I go to, see? And the other's the one I don't go to."
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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SamBee
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Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SamBee » 11 Feb 2018, 09:42

I was opening up the building this morning and heard a hissing sound coming from the chapel and cultural hall... at first, I thought there was a problem with the boiler but when I went in there, there were all these pythons and rattlers writhing about on the floor like an Indiana Jones movie.

"OH NO!" I screamed and I was about to phone pest control on my cellphone when a nine foot cobra sidled up to me and said, "Ssshh! Quiet! Switch off your phone. We're holding Snake Conference!"
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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SamBee
Posts: 4969
Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SamBee » 12 May 2018, 07:40

DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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Heber13
Posts: 6937
Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Heber13 » 12 May 2018, 08:00

:clap: :lol:
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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nibbler
Posts: 3707
Joined: 14 Nov 2013, 07:34
Location: Ten miles west of the exact centre of the universe

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by nibbler » 12 May 2018, 09:08

Someone in your SS class after you make a comment:

Image

You after someone else makes a commend in your SS class:

Image
And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold
-Jesus

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dande48
Posts: 1028
Joined: 24 Jan 2016, 16:35
Location: Wherever there is danger

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by dande48 » 15 May 2018, 13:23

"The whole world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel." - Horace Walpole

"Even though there are no ways of knowing for sure, there are ways of knowing for pretty sure."
-Lemony Snicket

Roy
Posts: 5002
Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Roy » 24 Aug 2018, 17:04

True story from church last week:

Stake high councilman to DW: Are you keeping this husband of yours in line?
Me: Well, she certainly is my "better half!"
Stake high councilmen: Isn't that the truth. I say the same thing about my wife and she never refers to me that way.
Me: I know, right? Why do they have to be so immodest?
.... High councilman looks at me awkwardly.
Me: I mean, why can't they be more modest?
.... awkward look intensifies
Me: Not to say that they dress like harlots!
DW exasperated: We get it.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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SamBee
Posts: 4969
Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SamBee » 07 Sep 2018, 14:46

Image
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

User avatar
SamBee
Posts: 4969
Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SamBee » 08 Sep 2018, 14:45

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? – Four: One to say the opening prayer, one to change the lightbulb, one to say the closing prayer, and one to bring refreshments. If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two, but you have to wait until the end of the month.
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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