Joke of the Day

Public forum for topics that don't fit into the other categories.
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SamBee
Posts: 4330
Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SamBee » 17 Aug 2015, 06:45

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking everyone's Elvis.



A: When did this start, uhuh?
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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LookingHard
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Joined: 20 Oct 2014, 12:11

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by LookingHard » 18 Aug 2015, 12:39

SamBee wrote:Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking everyone's Elvis.



A: When did this start, uhuh?
Thank ya.
Thank ya very much.

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SamBee
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Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SamBee » 23 Aug 2015, 05:17

LookingHard wrote:
SamBee wrote:Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking everyone's Elvis.



A: When did this start, uhuh?
Thank ya.
Thank ya very much.
Even better. :lol:
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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LookingHard
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Joined: 20 Oct 2014, 12:11

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by LookingHard » 23 Aug 2015, 07:14

And to do a Weird Al redo of an Elvis classic, ""A little history, I'm all shook up"

Don't encourage me. I can go on with puns until they get ridiculous.

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SamBee
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Joined: 14 Mar 2010, 04:55

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SamBee » 25 Oct 2015, 06:29

Went to see the Martian the other day. My companion knew nothing about the film and since Ridley Scott of Alien and Prometheus fame directed it - he kept on expecting a carnivorous alien to pop out of the rocks for half the film. :lol:
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true church...it is...authorized to administer the ordinances...by Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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Heber13
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Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Heber13 » 17 Nov 2015, 14:19

One of the other threads today was talking about war. Made me think of wars between news channels from Anchorman...here's your random quote for the day...
Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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Heber13
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Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Heber13 » 24 Nov 2015, 23:39

I attached all my watches together to make a belt.

...it was a waist of time. :shifty:
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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Heber13
Posts: 6550
Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Heber13 » 27 Nov 2015, 16:06

My favorite childhood memory is...

...not paying bills.
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

nibbler
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Joined: 14 Nov 2013, 07:34
Location: Ten miles west of the exact centre of the universe

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by nibbler » 10 Mar 2016, 13:06

We need a few "not up to the standards of the Laffy Taffy brand" jokes:

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them but when he rounded them up he had 200.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo was one dog. It was a shih tzu.

What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.

What did the inflatable bishop say to the inflatable deacon that brought a pin to the inflatable church? Not only have you let me down but you've let yourself down and the entire church down.

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Heber13
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Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Heber13 » 10 Mar 2016, 14:18

Nice, nibbler!!

Here are some terms from the redneck dictionary on medical terms:

Artery = The study of paintings
Bacteria = Back door to the cafeteria
Barium = what doctors do when patients die
CAT scan = searching for kitty
Cauterize = Made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section = A neighborhood in Rome
Fibula = A small lie
Genital = A non-Jewish person
Outpatient = a person who fainted
Pap smear = A fatherhood test
Rectum = damn near killed him
Terminal Illness = getting sick at the airport
Varicose = near by
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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