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Post by Techavenger » 23 Mar 2020, 03:53

Hi all,

I have been struggling for 2 years with issues that arose shortly after my companion and I were sealed. It was like everything started to fall apart after about three months of marriage. I know her mother despises me, and she was so upset that she could not attend the sealing, as she was a non member. We had a ring ceremony orchestrated just for her, and during the closing prayer, she was crinkling her water bottle while drinking. There is also a female member of the ward that I have found has been an aweful influence on my companion.

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Re: New to the forum

Post by Roy » 23 Mar 2020, 09:11

I am very sorry.

DW and I knew going in that we would need to keep her parents (read mother) at arms length. There was a history of interference and manipulation that we could see with some of the other siblings' marriages. We decided early on that we were in the relationship together exclusively - meaning that it would be improper to invite other's opinions into the marriage. If we had to make a decision then we had two votes. I had a vote and DW had a vote. It would not be fair to say, "My mother and I feel..." and thus try to out number and outvote the spouse on an issue.

That is not to say that we did not have disagreements. We did! Not too long after the birth of our first baby we had an argument. DW left the house with the baby and went to the church building to consider her options. I was so angry that I was considering changing the locks so that she wouldn't be able to get back in. Even then, we did not invite the extended family into our marital disagreements.

15 years have passed since that night and recently DW brought up that argument and what had happened. We do not remember what we were arguing about but we both recognize how much we have grown in our relationship since then. We made many mistakes along the way but we muddled through it. We love and support each other in good times and bad.

As a final caveat, I do not wish to excuse marital abuse in any fashion. If there is abuse happening in a marriage then it would be appropriate to get outside help. Also, the agreement between DW and I would not preclude marital counseling (if needed) because that would be an impartial third party.

Marriage can be hard. I wish you the best as you work through yours.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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Re: New to the forum

Post by DarkJedi » 23 Mar 2020, 15:03

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for your struggles. My wife and I both come from families where we are the only members (her moths is a member but has not been to church in 20 years). We both experienced some push back with our temple wedding, her side more than mine. Her late father was probably the most disappointed. We did also do a big ring ceremony and reception and that mostly appeased them. Were it now we'd get married civilly and go to the temple after, but that was not an option then.

There is some wisdom in the scriptures where they talk about leaving mother and father and cleaving to none else. Hitting your wife and MIL over the head with that is likely not going to be helpful though. Have you considered marriage counseling? (Professional, not bishop)
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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Re: New to the forum

Post by Minyan Man » 23 Mar 2020, 17:27

Techavenger, first I want to say welcome. This is a great place to work through "issues" of all kinds.

As you're probably aware, none of us get through this life unscathed. The toughest issues we face in this life
usually revolve around family members & our relationships with them. Hopefully, it gets better over time.
You are going to find, when one issue is resolved or goes away, another one will appear at the head of the
line. Hang in or vent when you need to.

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