My Intro & Hellos

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My Intro & Hellos

Post by Emy.d » 22 Jun 2018, 09:08

It never occur to me there were others that felt in limbo like I do. I thought either you want to stay lds or you don’t. Never imagined others feeling like they don’t belong yet in the end it is part of who we are.

I’ve struggled my entire adult life feeling uneasy about my spirituality level. Testimony Sunday makes me cringe. Being called to pray outloud makes me dizzy. Visit teachers/teaching annoy me. I’ve felt deeper connection with God and His divinity out in nature than in the temple. In truth, temple rituals creep me out. I’ll start wearing one piece swimsuit the day man are asked to wear shirts with their swim shorts. It’s tough enough out there for woman already and I get bugged by a culture that push woman to get education but “don’t get too carried away with ambitions” because it’s dangerous territory on priority shifting. I’m troubled with the idea gay people are born with gender “challenges” yet they’re asked to contain themselves and promised peace for it? Seriously. Has anyone hetero tried stopping their attraction to the opposite sex and feel comfortable with the idea of being with same sex? It’s just not natural just as it’s not for gays. I struggle with the thick skin I see people develop due to zero tolerance rules. We turn on each other and a game of skirt measuring, beard policing and sex offender shunning is played. I’ve sat in conversations of hours in which topics consist of other members “transgressions” from divorce, infidelity, garment offenders, immodesty, WOW violations. Where’s room for humanity and compassion in that? Pain for those who loved and now fall apart, pain for someone’s loneliness, pain for someone’s identity crisis. Where’s our brotherhood and sisterhood?
I express my pain and struggle to DH but all I get are generic missionary answers. “Have you tried this” “your not doing enough of that”. He’s already guaranteed if I decide to step away Ill be operation reactivate. Although he’s very hipocritical about he’s active state since he grey areas lots of rules (when it’s convinien to him)
My family would most likely give me time and privacy while mourning my dying soul. My in laws would condemn me for ruining their sons life and cursing my daughters future.
Friends would most likely enter akwardness village. But then who really wants friends that aren’t there for good and for worst. Good riddance right? Only it has to hurt.
I fear being in the very heart of Provo married student housing. I’ll get either projected or shunned. So I choose to silently live a double life. I’m lucky we move all around the world due to DH profession. Counting my days at happy village to be over.
Any of you feel troubled with this double identity life style? Every now and then I’ll buy myself a Starbucks to prove I’m in control of my decisions. But I sneak it in double bags and drink it in the car haha (Coffee anonymous). I only wear my garments out of social appropriateness. Almost like casual vs formal thing. Other than that, I’m a free bird so I love being in non Mormon territories. Specially beachy areas (less clothes the better).
But I do feel alone. Utterly alone. I sense some of my friends may feel the same but none of us dare say it aloud. Even have a sister I’m sure she’s conflicted but conformed. I’m in a way a closeted non believer not ready to come out. Guess that’s why my sympathies lie so much on the Mormon gay community. I feel part of their pain. Me in a large nutshell.

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by AmyJ » 22 Jun 2018, 10:11


This is a good place on the internet to be.

Just Breathe. You got this.

The whole church thing - humans are gonna human (even at - and especially at church). It works best if you focus on what you do believe, and what you are doing about it.

Being in a faith transition process means that you set boundaries on what you will participate in, and what you won't. It means typing furiously here to express angst instead of putting your husband on the defense for "answers" or "solutions" - even when there really isn't a current solution. It means not teaching/accepting that calling/putting all your social eggs in one basket and/or maintaining ward credibility by showing up for Achievement Days, cleaning the building, or <insert other service capacity here>.

A faith transition is a time to re-examine and refine the current life being lived.

It may mean talking about when Obedience does not equal blessings nor should it in general terms. Abraham did not expect to be blessed for offering his son, Issac. Nor did he expect the ram to show up. Enos did not expect anything when he sat down for a day-long prayer-a-thon - or if he expected anything, he was hoping to know that God was there. It may mean talking to God in nature and seeing what God is looking for in terms of obedience from you in your life.

Part of a transition is to NOT say anything to anyone until you have figured out what to say and why (if at all). Sometimes it also means practicing saying it in terms that others can accept, speaking "sheepese" as it were.

There are tons of resources here to read and ponder on - from the essay on the main page to various threads going back 9 years now.

But Nothing has to be decided/said/acted on NOW. It's your transition, you control the shots more than anyone else does regarding it.

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 22 Jun 2018, 11:32

Welcome Emy.d!

Great advice from Amy. I think we've all been in situations where we are in crisis mode and these aren't the times to make big decisions. I like to think of it as a faith transition as we should always be transitioning and not be stuck.

It sounds like you also have some great opportunities to change the things you dislike about your current culture / happy village. For me I started changing the way that I responded or didn't respond to those areas that I had the most trouble with. I became more me.

It took a long time and transitions were slow, fortunately my DW and I have supported each other through all of our changes, neither one of us is the same person we originally married. One thing has been the constant, that we care for each other.

Looking forward to hearing your perspectives from inside the village!
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by SamBee » 22 Jun 2018, 11:46

As the saying goes, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Do what works for you, but keep the good stuff.

By the way if you're going to drink coffee... I wouldn't go for Starbucks, they may be the best known, but they don't do the best coffee. I steer away from it because it does things to me.
DASH1730 "An Area Authority...[was] asked...who...would go to the Telestial kingdom. His answer: "murderers, adulterers and a lot of surprised Mormons!"'
1ST PRES 1978 "[LDS] believe...there is truth in many religions and philosophies...good and great religious leaders... have raised the spiritual, moral, and ethical awareness of their people. When we speak of The [LDS] as the only true is...authorized to administer the Jesus Christ... we do not mean... it is the only teacher of truth."

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by nibbler » 22 Jun 2018, 13:14

Emy.d wrote:
22 Jun 2018, 09:08
But I do feel alone. Utterly alone. I sense some of my friends may feel the same but none of us dare say it aloud. ...
I know the feeling. I feel completely alone in my ward.

At church we often talk about people that have left the church or people that feel like the prophets provided them with the training wheels they needed in the past but now they feel like they can move forward without them. The people that left are often disparaged and a vocal group of orthodox members like to enforce a training wheels required rule.

Sitting in our meetings listening to those messages is tough. It makes you feel alone. Without realizing it, my community is attacking a part of me and people I know that have deep wounds. Plus it doesn't help knowing in advance that if you do decide to leave some future stories will include disparaging remarks about you. That's not on us though. I see it as more of an unfortunate byproduct of a mindset that finds peace and comfort in certainty.
Emy.d wrote:
22 Jun 2018, 09:08
It never occur to me there were others that felt in limbo like I do. I thought either you want to stay lds or you don’t. Never imagined others feeling like they don’t belong yet in the end it is part of who we are.
We feel alone, right? I do wonder how many others there are in my stake, in my ward that feel the exact same way. Intimidated into silence, never realizing that they aren't alone simply because any similar voices are being suppressed.

Emy.d wrote:
22 Jun 2018, 09:08
Any of you feel troubled with this double identity life style?
Yes and no. At times it does feel like a double identity, other times it doesn't. I can nuance things, speak "sheepese" as referenced above. At the same time it's hard when you reach a point where you feel like you need to suppress or silence a part of who you are because you feel the need to chase conditional love/approval from your community. It's tough.
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
― Mark Twain

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by LookingHard » 22 Jun 2018, 14:33

Thanks for posting. You are NOT alone and there may be people very near to you that are also struggling, but "playing the game" very well.

I hope that coming here you can feel some relief, have a place to vent a bit, and be able to help process what you are going through. It can be very rough and all of us here can relate. I feel like I had a lifetime of continually "trying harder so the church would work" and then falling into depression due to exhaustion. I often mention that my faith crisis was more gut-wrenching than when one of my parents passed away.

You are not burdening us with your posts, so come spill your guts a bit and hopefully you will find ways to be at peace, or at least in less turmoil, about your difference in belief than some others around you.

And most of all - IT DOES GET BETTER!! I have been in my faith crisis for about 6+ years and I have never meet someone that things didn't get better over time.

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by Heber13 » 22 Jun 2018, 21:07

Welcome to the forum Emy.d.

Others have given great advice. Just want to say welcome, and glad you're here.

I look forward to learning from your posts as you share your views on topics.
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by Curt Sunshine » 22 Jun 2018, 21:31

Loneliness sucks. I am glad you found us.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by Ann » 23 Jun 2018, 00:18

I’m a free bird....
This is it for me. I am lonely, but feeling free for the first time is so valuable to me that I “take” everything that accompanies it.

I’m glad you found this site. You’ll get lots of good advice.
"Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery." - Joseph Campbell

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"Therefore they said unto him, How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said unto them, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes...." - John 9:10-11

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Re: My Intro & Hellos

Post by Kcrumb » 05 Jul 2018, 02:20

Hi Emy.d!! I feel like I could have written the exact same thing as you. I can absolutely relate to living a double life. Especially as you said:
"My family would most likely give me time and privacy while mourning my dying soul. My in laws would condemn me for ruining their sons life and cursing my daughters future."
My in-laws are already in complete grief over losing two of their children to inactivity, so they would be devastated if they knew their son was at risk by association with me. I'm a born Utah Mormon but now live in the UK so it's a little bit easier to be out of that happy valley bubble. No one in my family is near enough to keep tabs on me. Even my ward building is 35 minutes away, so I usually get left alone by ward members.

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