Issue 1: Tithing settlement meeting
VioletFire wrote: ↑
18 Apr 2018, 14:29
Does anyone have any insight? I really appreciate this forum and have been lurking here.
-- possible solution -- don't go. Plain and simple. I haven't gone for years. They never haul me in for it,
Issue 2: Leadership requests for explanations (at any time).
You have to train your spouse what you will say if either of you are approached individually. Otherwise, give vague hope, and don't give any specifics. Don't talk about doubt!!! Never! And don't imply any sin. Affirm what you like about the church, and if you can even say you value any spiritual experiences, and call them testimony (even if really week, or if they only made you faithful in a previous era of your life), affirm this.
Issue 3: Children.
They won't figure out you don't go to the temple or pay tithing until they are older. There is a grace period, depending on how sharp they are. My daughter didn't figure it out until she was 10 or 12. I had to talk to her about it then, not when she was young.
This is where you need a convo with your husband to talk about the benefits of the church -- even as attending non-believers or semi-actives. And get some consensus on what you'll teach at home, and how you'll deal with the tension between TBM' practices and your own beliefs. I dealt with it by letting the church to teach the TBM values to my kids. I didn't have to be there-- I didn't make myself do that at home. At home I counterbalanced negative aspects of church culture (like judgmentalism) while letting the other doctrines become part of my daughter's life. When she asked me direct questions about the tension between my behavior and church imperatives, I gave myself time to formulate answers (often posting here on StayLDS) and then went back to her with my answers.
Also, recognize the church works very well for many people, and your kids may be such people Would it be so bad if they embrace Mormonism and become dedicated churcgoers, tithe payers and members of the church? I see no bad in that. And taken with the training I gave them in less orthodox positions on matters of church culture, you have the potential to create very good members who exempllify the good in Mormonism and not the negatives.
Also, remember the alternative -- other churches don't know either what the truth is. Committees and councils prepared their doctrine, and they don't even claim to have a prophet guiding them -- so where else will you go?
I find that coping develops over time -- as you deal with issues as they come up. You can't anticipate them all, but when they happen, they are rarely so urgent you have to shoot from the hip. Post your question here, and after thought, discussion, and consideration, find your own path.
There will be hiccups and sacrifices For example, I waited outside the temple for my daughter to get married. I didn't get a TR due to tithing. There was a bit of awkwardness on the part of my wife and daughter, but it was only right before they left to go to the temple. My son, below TR age, was with me, so it wasn't like I was alone, but there were no comments, no after effects....my daughter even apologized if she was ever too judgmental about me in the past -- it showed my unorthodox training worked! I actually feel at peace about the situation. I feel good about myself and the decision I made.
It can seem like there is no way out, but as the years slip by, as you find your own path -- and find it brings peace -- you realize the church is really a mirage and has very little power over you -- unless you give it to them.