Public forum, tell us about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS!
Posts: 5355
Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: Hi!

Post by Roy » 16 Jan 2018, 16:13

Welcome Tica,

There is much fear involved for the spouse of someone faltering in the faith.

First I would make your husband aware that you love your life together and remain 100% committed to him - tell him and show him. Your feelings about the temple are not your feelings about him OR how much you might like to spend eternity with him.

Next, I would make a point that your values are not dependent on the church. You live your life because it is a good way to live - not because somebody told you that you had to.

Church relationships can be easy because many things can be assumed. Church relationships can also be somewhat fragile because so much was assumed to be built upon belief in the church - if the church belief crumbles where does that leave the relationship? In some ways you have to do the heavy lifting of re-establishing the relationship. How does your husband feel about various non-church topics? Are you and your husband able to respect each other on topics on which you disagree? It might take some time to work up to church topics and other sensitive issues that make us feel vulnerable.
SamBee wrote:
15 Jan 2018, 09:57
You don't have to go to the temple to hold a TR.
You don't have to go to get temple work done.
You don't have to hold a TR to be LDS.
Similar to this thought, I think it would be much harder for me to cope with the church if life was "all LDS all the time".

For me it became important to analyze, simplify, reduce, and prioritize my LDS involvement/LDS footprint. This might mean giving yourself permission to take a church break once in a while or simply saying no to callings that you would loathe (and that would consume all your free time!). The other side of this coin is to diversify! Find a social group, club, or organization that you can join. Maybe it is based around a hobby or a common interest. I remember a great hiking group that would plan once a month hikes. Fresh air, exercise, and socialization! Church is much less scary if it doesn't consume your whole life.
Tica wrote:
15 Jan 2018, 03:49
I hate that there isn't permission/space in our culture for us to support one another openly as we work on our faith honestly and vulnerably. We are all broken in some way. We just have a really hard time admitting it.
I hate that too. Someone once said that the true groups that are most successful at church are the saints and the liars. I find that statement true enough to be sad. I believe that is an outgrowth of our doctrine of perfectionism.

Again welcome!
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

Posts: 7
Joined: 14 Jan 2018, 21:38

Re: Hi!

Post by Tica » 16 Jan 2018, 19:04

nibbler wrote:
16 Jan 2018, 08:46

I hate to break it to you but we're strange too.
Isn't that the truth!!

Roy, you also make some great points. I do need to give my husband some extra love and attention :). We get along great most of the time and have a lot of fun together when we take the time. I do also believe in strengthening my marriage! I am also super thankful for my job where I get to be around a lot of really great (non LDS) people.

Posts: 881
Joined: 25 Sep 2012, 15:17

Re: Hi!

Post by Roadrunner » 16 Jan 2018, 20:08

Hi Tica,
The question about how to raise kids is m single biggest worry. My wife knows the extent of my questions and issues and the approach we’ve agreed on is to raise them in the church but that I will be completely open and honest with them. I’ve educated them about virtually every historical and doctrinal oddity with the exception of temple ordinances. Consequently all my kids know I’m more or less in the church to serve others and to support my wife. My disbelief doesn’t seem to persuade them either way at this point. They are very liberal for LDS so as they mature they will “get it” more.

Posts: 7
Joined: 14 Jan 2018, 21:38

Re: Hi!

Post by Tica » 16 Jan 2018, 20:42

Thank you for chiming in Roadrunner! I totally hear you and am glad you and your wife have been able to arrive at a compromise that works for you. For now, I am planning on continuing to raise my kids in the church. It is so simple for them when they are little. And I try to emphasize the things that I have faith in. When my 8 year old was really little I remember thinking that I would have my own beliefs under control by the time she had more questions and understanding. Ha! Sometimes it seems she is getting bigger at light speed.

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