How can I enjoy staying?

Public forum, tell us about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS!
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Heber13
Posts: 6969
Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by Heber13 » 17 Aug 2017, 10:10

Curt Sunshine wrote:
17 Aug 2017, 09:47
I have said here multiple times that if a leader calls me, they get me. They don't get the person they think I am; they get me.

Therefore, I do what I can do and what I am comfortable doing and what I feel won't hurt myself or my family. I will NOT prioritize a calling over myself or my family. I do what I feel I can.

If they don't like that, fine. They can release me. No hard feelings on my end.

Do what you can do. Accept that. Don't act based on others' expectations in a church calling. Be yourself.

Just don't risk your endorsement. :P
This is an important thing to add to your spiritual journey. You are allowed to have a faith crisis. You are ok to be bored at church. You are just fine to do the minimum in a calling. You are OK as you are...with all your doubts, feelings, and emotions.

The church is there for you, not you for the church. The church rolls on with or without us.

I had a strong experience in the temple when God revealed this concept to my heart amid all my stressful life crap...I simply felt "you are ok, just as you are." I didn't need to do more, explain myself to my bishop or others... simply...it is fine to be the way I am right now.

Be still, and know God is there. That's important to accept on our heart.

You are doing just fine in your journey, as evidence by your thoughtful post and sincere desires.

Church is just church. Make of that experience what you will. Make it how you want it to be in your life for reasons you feel good about.

There is no wrong answer. You don't need approval of others. You need an endorsement and can make yourself sacrifice to get that...but in your own way. Own your religion.
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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Beefster
Posts: 487
Joined: 04 Aug 2017, 18:38

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by Beefster » 17 Aug 2017, 10:37

Maybe you don't have to enjoy it. I largely hated my last year at BYU due to being sick of Provo culture. I tolerated it because I knew it wasn't forever and I coped with it by poking fun at it with my best friend. Try making bingo sheets of all of the church cliches and discreetly mark them during church. Or something like that.

I recognize that doubts are another beast, but I'm not totally in the dark there either. I still have a lot of the sketchy stuff in church history shelved to be resolved later (or perhaps never). I still have my cynicism and fears of having been brainwashed, but I guess I just don't let it get the better of me. Like you said, the church is still good even if it were false.

When you come out of your faith crisis, whether it's fully resolved or not, whether you stay LDS or not, you will come out the other end as a better person. This is something I told myself regularly in my pre-mission faith crisis.

I stand with Elder Holland in saying that you do not need to pretend to faith you do not have, but instead focus on the faith you do have.
Boys are governed by rules. Men are governed by principles.

Sometimes our journeys take us to unexpected places. That is a truly beautiful thing.

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Heber13
Posts: 6969
Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by Heber13 » 17 Aug 2017, 11:15

Beefster, as you tolerated that last year, did you have a calling?
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

nibbler
Posts: 3733
Joined: 14 Nov 2013, 07:34
Location: Ten miles west of the exact centre of the universe

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by nibbler » 17 Aug 2017, 13:20

Trailblazer wrote:
16 Aug 2017, 21:29
I don’t know how to proceed. I have a leadership calling in my ward that I don’t enjoy participating in anymore. I have continued to fulfill my calling because I made a commitment to do so. I have read many times on this forum that it is appropriate to ask to be released from a calling. Has anyone been successful in this without the bishop digging for more information? I imagine my bishop would have many questions for me if I asked to be released. Due to my need for an ecclesiastical endorsement I will most likely not talk to any leaders about my FC.
Yes, I've been successful in asking for a release without the bishop pressing for details. In my case I got out ahead of the questioning. I asked for a release and told the leader why I was asking for it. If you do that the leader might be less prone to dig. But to be clear I'm not saying volunteer the details of your FC. Find other authentic reasons. Saying, "I'm burnt out in my calling and I just need a break from all callings to recharge for a little while." is still the truth.

It worked for me, your results may vary.

Also, I can't tell you how your bishop would react. Leadership roulette and all that jazz. Especially in this case where an ecclesiastical endorsement is on the line. I've been blessed in that I've had nothing but excellent bishops that have understood that simple appeal for a break but you never know. Some leaders are more Old Testament than others.

nibbler
Posts: 3733
Joined: 14 Nov 2013, 07:34
Location: Ten miles west of the exact centre of the universe

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by nibbler » 17 Aug 2017, 13:26

Trailblazer wrote:
16 Aug 2017, 21:29
Along with the doubts I really don’t enjoy going to church. I don’t know if I’ve ever enjoyed going to church, it has always been quite dreadful. I honestly don’t know how I can keep pretending that I believe. I used to be able to look past how boring it was because my “salvation” was at stake.
lol, you sound like me, except these days I no longer feel like I'm pretending to believe. I'm me. I believe. It may be different than what others believe but I believe.

Some people love the community aspects of church but I never much cared for all that. I was there because, as you say, my salvation was on the line. It was the true church, I was meant to muscle through and change until I found a way to like it.

I ping pretty far on the introvert scale and church is mostly for extroverts by extroverts. I also have a social anxiety thing. I do better in small groups but shut down in large groups. So yeah, the experience can be dreadful.

I'd be quite happy retiring to a cave... so long as the cave had a good internet connection... but that's a part of what keeps me hanging on. Not necessarily because I enjoy it but because the alternative for me would be isolationism and I don't think I can afford to go any more crazy than I already am.

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Beefster
Posts: 487
Joined: 04 Aug 2017, 18:38

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by Beefster » 18 Aug 2017, 14:40

Heber13 wrote:
17 Aug 2017, 11:15
Beefster, as you tolerated that last year, did you have a calling?
I was part of the "munch and mingle" committee. It was pretty fun and it wasn't totally brainless. I kept pushing to get actual meals instead of the lazy stuff the leader wanted to do. Not all YSA-ward-only callings are that meaningful. The calling did take the edge off things, but I usually ran away to my apartment after everything started.
Boys are governed by rules. Men are governed by principles.

Sometimes our journeys take us to unexpected places. That is a truly beautiful thing.

User avatar
Beefster
Posts: 487
Joined: 04 Aug 2017, 18:38

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by Beefster » 18 Aug 2017, 14:57

nibbler wrote:
17 Aug 2017, 13:26
church is mostly for extroverts by extroverts.
I would say this is true for almost everything about the church. The temple is usually a refuge for introverts, but it depends. Then you look at YSA wards, which are extraversion-obsessed: 3+ activities a week, linger longers (in some wards), marriage/dating talks on a regular basis... They mean well, but it does get kinda annoying at times.

Missions and most other church programs are built with the extravert in mind- sometimes so much so that it makes introverts feel disadvantaged at best and like worthless sinners at worst. There is an intense amount of pressure on us, introverts, to interact socially far beyond our preferences or capacity. Sure, it's good to get out of your comfort zone from time to time, but that can definitely be taken to an extreme.

Imagine trying to exert mission-level extraversion for more than 2 years straight... If you're an introvert, you will be burned out.
Boys are governed by rules. Men are governed by principles.

Sometimes our journeys take us to unexpected places. That is a truly beautiful thing.

Trailblazer
Posts: 3
Joined: 05 Aug 2017, 15:32

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by Trailblazer » 18 Sep 2017, 18:02

I apologize for not responding quickly to your timely replies. I appreciate all of the advice I have received on this thread. I'd like to give an update on my situation and reply to some of the questions I received.

I have greatly reduced my time I devote to church. Possible too much, but I feel good about it. My wife is a TBM, however she doesn't like to attend church very much. Her lack of desire to attend church has made this process smooth. She knows of my situation and is okay with me figuring stuff out. We are moving soon and the bishop knows this (us moving is unrelated to my FC), this has greatly taken the pressure off from my calling. The bishop has called someone to replace me but has not released me yet.

Dande48 asked me why I choose to stay

The only reasons why I stay are:
My wife
Ecclesiastical endorsement

I can list off other benefits that I receive from the church but I would be lying to you if I said it was why I stayed. The church has greatly benefited my life, I hope to not come across ungrateful.

In response to what orson brought up about the few doubts I listed. I appreciate the condensed response to my doubts. It is helpful to hear how you have dealt with those issues. I have further comments on them but I will most likely post those in general discussion.

Thank you all again for commenting on my thread. I read all the comments several times after they were posted. Only a few people know about my FC and nobody knows how bad it really is. It is comforting to know that there are others who have or are going through similar situations. Thanks.

Roy
Posts: 5053
Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: How can I enjoy staying?

Post by Roy » 19 Sep 2017, 12:57

Trailblazer,

you are welcome to participate as often as you find needful and that fits your schedule.

I was just thinking on your name and how in some ways each of us with a FC can be a trailblazer or pioneer walking the difficult and sometimes lonely path that is less traveled (by our immediate support community).

:thumbup:
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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