Very unique & strange reason to be here

Public forum, tell us about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS!
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Joined: 19 Jan 2014, 20:43

Re: Very unique & strange reason to be here

Post by amateurparent » 17 Mar 2016, 18:50


Welcome to the Forum.

It must be horrifically tough to be having problems with your daughter while in the midst of leaving the military for medical reasons. That would be hard on ones personal identity. You are losing part of your identity as a mother at the same time as you as losing your identity as a soldier. That is too many changes all at once.
Short story: My 24yo daughter was always strongest in the Church. She dated a lot of members and i have to say, I was very disappointed in their behaviour. Lies, controlling, deceit, playing games etc... and she went into a depression. the summer before last she met a YM and announced he was her intended. From the start, the relationship mirrored one she had previous where the guy was controlling and "difficult". He seemed a very nice YM, an RM (though that wasn't important to us). It was my daughter's behaviour that changed. She became very distant to us, even angry towards us, she left a good job with great prospects to go live near him, she did find another job, and we supported her financially while she got on her feet.
The descriptions you used with your daughter reminded me of my sister. She says she hates controlling men, but she has been married to 3 and lived with another 2 of the most controlling men you could imagine. I tease her that "only the names change". She has consistently sought out the same type of person.

Whether you like it of not, your daughter likes controlling people in her life. She might state that she hates them, but she has a history of seeking out a specific type of YM. On some level, it works for her. In her husband and his family, she hit the mother lode. She found a very controlling man and a controlling MIL.
You also have to understand that I am on therapy and medication from the military for having a breakdown from harassment and workplace bullying. It is very different in the military than for civilians, a whole different world of hurt.
Because of your history, her choosing to be controlled has to be horrific to you.
Today, 6 months later: It's very hard for me to go to Church. People in my ward that know her are as confused by her behaviour. She also pretty well blocked out her best friend growing up. She did have one conversation with her and told her that "I finally found the family I always wanted". We are not a perfect family. But I've never beat or abused my children in any way, we did the best we could. But we did struggle and were not rich. Note: this family she married into is very well off.
Your daughter has found something she wants. She is giving up everything else in order to pursue it.
What's more, I do not want to hear anything about the temple. I don't want to attend, or support it in any way. This family regularly attends the temple and are temple workers. She and her dh live in a basement apartment of the house that Mama B has. As far as I'm concerned, they have created a cult. My daughter drank the koolaid. I have had very little contact with her, I do text her but her responses are very stiff and distant. Yesterday was my birthday and I heard nothing from her.

Since last summer, my testimony of this Church has completely crumbled. The same-sex marriage obsession, the Church PR machine control, all of it contributes to this deterioration. I don't and won't proselyte for this Church anymore. I come from a very rural area of Canada and I can't even explain to my family and friends there what happened... most of them are born agains and I don't know how to explain this without making the Church sound like a cult in general.

If my sons married a girl, I would make sure her family was involved. But I know this woman deliberately cut us out. I cannot imagine doing this to anyone. I raised a great girl for them, and they took her away from me. I hope that woman burns in hell for her behaviour, but of course, in the eyes of the Church, she did everything right.
Your daughter ran to them. She has made specific choices. Her husband and MIL only know as much about you and your family as your daughter chooses to share. Your daughter may have just not shared much .. But has chosen to try on a new life for a bit.

n a few weeks I'll be out of the military, a medical release is VERY hard to go through. But losing my faith in something I cared so much about is worse. My faith in HF and Christ has never changed and is as strong as ever. This sounds strange, but I feel very much like my gay friend who was a member... loads of faith, just no use for the institution anymore.
Maybe get through these next few weeks, complete your separation from the military, and take time to just breathe. Focus on the lose of your career. Give yourself an opportunity to grieve that loss.

About your daughter, just because she is emotionally gone right now doesn't mean she is permanently gone. Being married doesn't mean being grown up. Allow her time to figure out her life. It might take a few years, but there is a pretty good chance that she will come looking for her momma. Let her try this new life on for a bit. Just like fabulous looking new shoes, when you try to walk in them for too long, they start to hurt.
I have no advance degrees in parenting. No national credentials. I am an amateur parent. I read, study, and learn all I can to be the best parent possible. Every time I think I have reached expert status with one child for one stage in their life, something changes and I am back to amateur status again. Now when I really mess up, I just apologize to my child, and explain that I am indeed an amateur .. I'm still learning how to do this right.

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Joined: 09 Sep 2012, 02:17

Re: Very unique & strange reason to be here

Post by Ann » 18 Mar 2016, 19:56

My faith in HF and Christ has never changed and is as strong as ever. This sounds strange, but I feel very much like my gay friend who was a member... loads of faith, just no use for the institution anymore.
Hi, ebowalker - I'm glad you're here and hope participating helps. It's easy to see why you're so upset.

I identify with this sentiment. But we don't get to start completely from scratch, so we withdraw and "switch off." You might spend some time mentally checked out while you sort through things, read and explore. It's very satisfying to define your faith for yourself.

I really hope things improve with your daughter.
"Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery." - Joseph Campbell

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"Therefore they said unto him, How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said unto them, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes...." - John 9:10-11

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