Longtime lurker...really need some advice

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kate5
Posts: 77
Joined: 21 Feb 2016, 22:49

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by kate5 » 24 Feb 2016, 18:28

Ann...Thank you. I am trying my best for the girls even if I feel really inadequate. Sometimes I'm just not sure I am what they need but I am going to take it week by week. Some weeks (like this one) I want to be done but then if I wait a few days I feel like a can go on a little bit more. I keep telling myself I can asked to be released at anytime and that helps me hold on a little longer.

Nibbler...Yikes! Those missionary callings would be the worst for me. It is great you were willing to do it for that long. I swore up and down, backwards and sideways that I wouldn't take a YW calling when we moved. I threw and gave away ALL of my YW supplies when we moved and I still said yes. You never know what could happen. :smile:

Ray...Thank you for the reminding me to be myself. I admit a large part of my extreme anxiety over being YW pres. was the pressure I put on myself to be perfect and be everything to everybody. I would tell myself I only need to please God and He appreciated any effort I gave but when it came down to saying no I wouldn't do that, I would cave. I need to be willing to let others see my faults. It would probably help me a lot to remember that with this current calling.

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Always Thinking
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Joined: 29 Dec 2015, 11:46

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by Always Thinking » 24 Feb 2016, 20:21

I hope this doesn't come across wrong, because sometimes people get upset when therapy comes up, but I am a huge advocate of therapy. Several of my family members have been to therapy for major or minor things, and I'm currently in therapy for anxiety. Let me tell you, it is really refreshing having someone to talk to about things i'm struggling with who knows how to handle discussing difficult things and won't judge or tell you 'that's wrong'. I don't think you need a lot of therapy or anything but it may be a comfort to have a therapist that you enjoy seeing, to just be able to go see on occasion when you're having an especially difficult time, or if you just want to talk about your faith crisis with someone a bit. Like I said, I hope you don't think that I think you're crazyImageI just personally love therapy and know several people who it helps as well so it just might be a comfort to have another person available who can help you with techniques for handling lots of stress or anxiety when those feelings come up. Just my thoughts :) welcome to StayLDS!
Eta: I have some major respect for you for taking the calling again! Mad props to you! I don't know if I could have

Minyan Man
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Joined: 15 Sep 2011, 13:40

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by Minyan Man » 24 Feb 2016, 20:45

kate5, you said:
I remember once I told my kids I was a failure as a parent because of their unwillingness to go on missions. It really hurt them. One of them said to me, "You know we are doing well in school and jobs, we don't party, we try to be kind and are think you are a failure because of church?"
I'm sure that after you said this to your sons, you told them you were sorry. It's good to show our kids that we're not perfect.
It is interesting how life goes. They start out as defenseless little creatures & they develop overtime to be grown ups with children of their own.
I feel like it's a real blessing to stand back and watch them progress overtime. Mistakes & all. I hope HF feels the same way about me.

kate5
Posts: 77
Joined: 21 Feb 2016, 22:49

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by kate5 » 24 Feb 2016, 21:15

Always thinking... That is actually great advice! A couple of weeks ago I had a really busy couple of weeks between YW and regular church stuff. That's when the anxiety and darkness started to come on strong again. I was determined to go to a therapist. I realized, though, that the visits would go toward my deductible and it is pretty high. The thing is, church and YW stuff triggers the anxiety big time. When I am able to get away from that for awhile, it starts to get much better. So part of me just wonders why I don't just get rid of what's triggering it instead of spending a lot of money to be able to handle the situation. I do know that therapy would be beneficial, though.

Minyan...I have apologized over and over to all of them. I am definitely trying to sit back more and not give unsolicited advice. They seem to do pretty well on their own without my interference. Imagine that!

blindsided
Posts: 12
Joined: 03 Oct 2015, 18:42

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by blindsided » 24 Feb 2016, 22:06

My thought would be that if you feel you have something/anything to offer, then stick it out with boundaries that you set. I would meet with your ywPres and or bishop and explain your situation to a limited extent and say that you are willing to do xyz but not abc WITHOUT guilt. If they feel the need to release you with your time/commitment limitation that is ok. Something else will come along. If they are OK with your boundaries, then give what you can out of love for the youth and God, not out of rote obligation to the Church or it's hierarchy. If you really have nothing left to give at this time, then ask for a break and at some point something else will come along. Regardless, seek for a relationship with Christ separate and apart from the organizational church--something I am trying to do at this point.

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FaithfulSkeptic
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Joined: 06 Jun 2014, 09:04

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by FaithfulSkeptic » 24 Feb 2016, 23:21

blindsided wrote:My thought would be that if you feel you have something/anything to offer, then stick it out with boundaries that you set. I would meet with your ywPres and or bishop and explain your situation to a limited extent and say that you are willing to do xyz but not abc WITHOUT guilt. If they feel the need to release you with your time/commitment limitation that is ok. Something else will come along. If they are OK with your boundaries, then give what you can out of love for the youth and God, not out of rote obligation to the Church or it's hierarchy. If you really have nothing left to give at this time, then ask for a break and at some point something else will come along. Regardless, seek for a relationship with Christ separate and apart from the organizational church--something I am trying to do at this point.
Great advice! My advice is that your own mental health is more important than your calling. If you can set some boundaries that you feel good about as blindsided has suggested, then that would be great, but otherwise, I would definitely have a chat with your YW Pres or bishop and let them know how you feel. If you need a break or you need to be released, there should be no shame in that. Your health is most important.

Glad you joined in on the conversation and I hope you find that posting is even better than lurking!
I know of no sign on the doors of our meetinghouses that says, “Your testimony must be this tall to enter.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf, October 2014

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Always Thinking
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Joined: 29 Dec 2015, 11:46

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by Always Thinking » 25 Feb 2016, 07:51

That is true, I can see why you'd rather not spend the money if you know the cause of the anxiety. Anxiety is a very common thing people deal with, so one thing you could do instead of therapy is just Google ways to help with anxiety. There are tons of ways that different people deal with it, and it may help you when you're having an especially difficult time. I'm assuming you didn't have anxiety before this calling so you probably don't know the different techniques for warding off panic attacks. It may be helpful to look around for ideas since you want to stick with the calling for now. As FaithfulSkeptic said though, your mental health is more important than a calling.

Roadrunner
Posts: 864
Joined: 25 Sep 2012, 15:17

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by Roadrunner » 25 Feb 2016, 08:39

Hi Kate5,
Welcome! I hope you find this group helpful.

I can't tell from your post if you had told your Bishop about your burnout and all the time you spent in YW already. The reason I say this is that some people consider bishops unapproachable and beyond dialogue. Most bishops I know would like to know about circumstances and feelings that would hamper a calling. I used to be afraid to counsel with a bishop until one told me "please discuss with me - I don't know something until someone tells me."

Like someone said, I wish our youth leaders would discuss what it's really like instead of rose colored glasses. That's not to induce guilt, but I mean that your insights are valuable.

One wise Bishop once told me that the parable of the widows mite applies to more than money. If I'm financially unable to contribute much the church doesn't expect much money. We should be the same with ability to serve. If I'm not able to serve for whatever reason in a particular capacity the church should not expect more than we are able to give - certainly the Lord doesn't. We all go through times when we are only surviving emotionally.

kate5
Posts: 77
Joined: 21 Feb 2016, 22:49

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by kate5 » 25 Feb 2016, 09:35

Blindsided, Faithful Skeptic and Roadrunner.... Thank you all for your great advice. I actually did communicate a tiny bit with my bishop about my burnout with YW. I told him I needed to think about the calling for a few days. After that strong feeling I had gotten previously, I kind of felt like everything had a purpose and I actually wanted to do the calling because it would be good for me. I felt like I could do anything. Unfortunately, that lasted all of 2 weeks. My husband didn't really even want me to take it because what I went through before was really hard on him too but he told me if I did take it I should set parameters like you suggested. I didn't listen to his advice and I'm really kicking myself for that now. I have really thought about talking to them about my limits and offering them to release me as and option. I know both of those options, though, would cause more stress for them. But you are right my mental health comes first. One thing I have found out is that I definitely can't do a bunch of other church service on top of all the YW requirements. That does not go well at all. So that will be a parameter that I will set for myself.

Always Thinking...I have always been prone to anxiety and have slowly improved in dealing with it. But I had never experienced depression like I did when I was YW pres. I thought I had been depressed before but it was nothing like that. That was total darkness. I have looked up some books on the subject and I think next time we go shopping I will pick one up. Thanks for the suggestion!

Thank you everyone so much for your helpful comments. You have no idea how much it has helped me to talk it all out. I will try your suggestions so I can try to stick it out. In fact, my husband told me that we could be getting released at the end of the summer. If that is true, it might be doable. But it helps to know that if the downward spiral starts again I have the option to get released. Right now I will take it week by week. Thanks again!

Ann
Posts: 2568
Joined: 09 Sep 2012, 02:17

Re: Longtime lurker...really need some advice

Post by Ann » 25 Feb 2016, 10:05

Roadrunner wrote: One wise Bishop once told me that the parable of the widows mite applies to more than money.
A thousand thanks for this.
"Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery." - Joseph Campbell

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"Therefore they said unto him, How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said unto them, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes...." - John 9:10-11

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