Not sure what I'm looking for

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Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by whathappenedtome » 05 Jul 2015, 22:40

Just in a miserable marriage and wondering where to go from here. Everyone in the church seems to feel that you should stay in a marriage no matter what. I can't imagine this is what my life should be like. Just because I made one very big bad decision - do I really have to live with it for the rest of my life? Just feeling very stuck with no light in sight. It's really hard to go to church and hear all the lessons that are just making me feel bad. I do believe in the church, but am struggling for the first time with getting anything positive out of it lately.

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by DarkJedi » 06 Jul 2015, 04:18

I'm sorry about your bad marriage - sometimes we do make poor choices and unfortunately sometimes that choice is with marriage. I am not a believer in stay in the marriage at all costs, sometimes marriages do need to end. I am a believer in trying to make it work, though, and not bailing out at the first bump in the road (I'm not saying this is what you're doing, I'm just clarifying my point of view.) More detail, as long as you are comfortable, might be more helpful in giving advice. What is making the marriage miserable? Has there been counseling?

Many of us here can relate to the feeling of no light at the send of the tunnel and to struggling with things people say at church.

Welcome to the forum, I hope things improve for you and if we can help I hope you allow us to do so.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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On Own Now
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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by On Own Now » 06 Jul 2015, 07:57


you have my permission to get out of a bad marriage. And I'm someone at Church. If it's not working for you, take steps to end it, at least temporarily. You always have to consider the impact to children. If you don't have children, I strongly advise you to separate now. Once you have done so, then take a step back, think about what works and what doesn't and make a free choice to try to save it or to end it permanently.

The best advice I can give you is not to care what OTHER people think. You don't have to justify to anyone other than yourself, no matter what decision you make.

LDS culture is strongly family-oriented. There's really nothing wrong with that in itself. What causes the problem is the inability of Church members to see alternatives that also work. If you can't stop yourself from caring what other people think, then make whatever decision you have to make and then prove to them that your decisions were right by becoming an even better person after your difficult decision.

No matter what you decide, I wish you well.
"Let us therefore no longer pass judgment on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another." --Romans 14:13

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by Ann » 06 Jul 2015, 09:09

Hi, whathappenedtome :wave: I'm glad you're here.

I don't know if you can or should give more details, and we're not hearing the other side of the story, and so on.... But I do feel for you and hope we can be helpful and supportive.

My sister is in the thick of a similar situation right now. Going to church with the incessant talk of families eventually became so emotionally exhausting that she stopped going. I want to encourage her to not cut herself off. I've started to see what a drain the culture of the church can be if you're not mainstream. It's sad to see my wonderful baby sister, who is so full of life and was always up and doing and giving, to be judging herself now - because of a badly made marriage decision - as a thing of naught.
"Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery." - Joseph Campbell

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"Therefore they said unto him, How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said unto them, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes...." - John 9:10-11

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by Roy » 06 Jul 2015, 09:55

Welcome whathappenedtome.

I do not know your situation. Please disregard everything that does not apply to you.

I am not married to someone that fulfills all my needs. In saying this I mean mainly that DW is not a good listener, becomes defensive quickly to corrective feedback, and is frustratingly lacking in conflict resolution skills. OTOH she in many ways she is a product of her personality and her raising. She is a person with limitations that makes good faith effort into making this marriage work. If I am to be honest then I must recognise that I am the same. She works with my limitations and quirks - I can endevor to do the same with a degree of patience and compassion.

I read that just over half of people that get divorced end up regretting it. I believe that this is the case because a there is baggage associated with a failed marriage. I imagine that some get to the other side and find that the grass over there is just as parched and mottled as the place where they just left. I know one woman that I believe hated the stigma of being a divorced woman so much that she remarriad to the first guy that came along. Now they too are going to marriage counseling.

I admired Ben Afflek and Jennifer Garner because they were fairly open about their marriage taking work - well they just announced their divorce after ten years of marriage so apparantly it doesn't always work out.

That statistic about more than 50% of divorced people regretting it only tells half of the story. Slightly less than 50% apparantly do not regret it. Perhaps some can ultimately arrive at a place of significant happiness that they never would have been able to achieve if they stayed married. I know a man that spent years trying to save his marriage to no avail. He is now in a much better and happier place.

Without knowing you I cannot guess what side of the 50% statistic you would find yourself on. I do trust that you know yourself and are the most equiped person to make this important desicion after careful consideration.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by Minyan Man » 06 Jul 2015, 14:34

whtm, welcome.
As you know, none of us can tell you what to do. We can tell you, we understand.
Some of us have gone through similar situations. Brigham Young went through a divorce with
one of his wives. ... swives.htm

The difficult part for me was going to church & sitting on one side of the chapel &
my wife & daughter sitting on the other side. It was difficult concentrating on anything that was going on.
The separation happened about 3 weeks after joining the church. It was her idea.

I wish you the best on your journey through a difficult situation. You will get through it.
I believe God wants all of us to be happy.
Last edited by Minyan Man on 07 Jul 2015, 06:08, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by amateurparent » 06 Jul 2015, 20:27

There is nothing better than a good marriage .. And nothing worse than a bad one.

Personally, I think it is a bigger sin to stay in a miserable marriage than it is to get out.

If there are no children involved, CUT AND RUN.

If children, put their needs first, and figure it out a little slower.
I have no advance degrees in parenting. No national credentials. I am an amateur parent. I read, study, and learn all I can to be the best parent possible. Every time I think I have reached expert status with one child for one stage in their life, something changes and I am back to amateur status again. Now when I really mess up, I just apologize to my child, and explain that I am indeed an amateur .. I'm still learning how to do this right.

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by whathappenedtome » 06 Jul 2015, 21:27

In a nutshell...I am very far from perfect...but my husband has not worked for years, pretty much stopped doing anything, and got hooked on prescription drugs. We tried counseling and he was all for it when we were talking about me, but when the counselor tried talking about him...he was done. She thinks he has borderline personality. I don't care what he has, I just know that the thought of having to grow old with him is so depressing. Our kids are older. I am basically waiting for 2 more years for my son to graduate to try and not make his life any more difficult than it already is. The bishop asks me every week where my husband is or "tell him we miss him" or "how can we get him to come to church". I told him if he keeps asking me than I will stop coming too.

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by DarkJedi » 07 Jul 2015, 04:33

Again, I am sorry you have to endure this. Certainly do what you think you must. None of us are perfect and most of us are farther away than we think we are.

I'm not defending your husband, but long term unemployment is very difficult - I know, I have been there. It is difficult enough without mental illness. I don't know what or how others think, but if the bishop misses him that much why doesn't he tell him himself? I always wondered that when I was inactive and not saying it only confirmed that nobody really did care.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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Re: Not sure what I'm looking for

Post by Curt Sunshine » 07 Jul 2015, 05:28

Marriage is one of those things that is so radically different for each couple and so intensely personal that it is difficult to give precise advice in a forum like this. All I can say is that you need to do what is best for you and that difficult marriages can be different than bad marriages.

I generally would advise working to make a difficult marriage less difficult in an attempt eventually to make it good; I generally would advise ending a bad marriage, with the timing being flexible, depending on the nature and severity of the issues. If the spouse is abusive, I advise ending it sooner rather than later; if not, I would advise moving more slowly with an exit plan that is best for you and your children.

In the end, this is your decision, and all we can do is support your right to make your own decision and trust in God's grace to understand your effort.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

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