Public forum, tell us about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS!
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Re: Hi

Post by Leap » 17 Jul 2014, 16:11

Hi Stan. It's good to have you here! This forum has been a major factor in my ability to cope lately. The only advice I have is to stick around!

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Re: Hi

Post by stan » 29 Dec 2014, 13:00

I am very late in thanking you all for the warm welcome. The registration process took a while and I never found the emails that said it was all done. But I am not critical of the admins for this board, as I assume they are doing what they have to run a well-moderated, safe, quality forum.

While my adult kids are not active in the Church, they are generally trying to find their way to being good people. My oldest got married and completed her PhD in the last year. My next oldest will graduate and become a math teacher next Fall. DS is very ADHD, and wants to be some kind of artist. He has loads of talent, but lots of challenges to go with it.

Thanks for the welcome. I am looking forward to getting to "know" the folks in this forum.

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Re: Hi

Post by Roy » 29 Dec 2014, 15:59

Thanks for the follow-up Stan. Sounds like your kids are generally stable and well adjusted with a good shot and living good fulfilling lives. Sounds like every parents wish to me. :D
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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Re: Hi

Post by Ann » 30 Dec 2014, 02:36

Hi, stan. I hope you get as much from this site as I have. I hope you don't feel like a failure re. your kids. It seems to me that there are as many unhealthy ways for your kids to "stay active" as there are healthy ones.
hawkgrrrl wrote:
What I see sometimes that is just unnerving is that in some Mormon families, the parents act in very controlling ways toward their adult children and even the spouses of those adult children. It's unwise, in my opinion, unwise and unwarranted, and it probably reveals a psychological problem.
I have seen this in spades, mostly revolving around marriage decisions. :thumbdown:
"Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery." - Joseph Campbell

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"Therefore they said unto him, How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said unto them, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes...." - John 9:10-11

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Re: Hi

Post by Eternity4me » 30 Dec 2014, 17:49

Hi Stan,

Welcome, and as someone said, just come on here and vent. Maybe that will help you to process some of what you are feeling. I am new here myself, and this board has been extremely helpful. As for your children, I have always appreciated JS telling us to "teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves". It puts the burden right where it should be. I agree that there is some sort of "scoring system" in the church where you get points for your kid getting their Eagle Scout, or YW award, going on a mission, marrying in the temple, etc. It doesn't matter that they have known their fiance for 3 weeks before they got engaged, if the marriage is in the temple, score! Like the others have said, what matters is that your children are happy, productive, and loving. God will judge us and our children, not the members of the church. You sound to me like you have great kids, you have done well.

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Re: Hi

Post by SilentDawning » 30 Dec 2014, 19:21

I'm with you on feeling like a failure. My son, at 11 decided no Aaronic Priesthood for him. When I'm at home, and not at church, I'm OK with it. In a way -- his reason -- "I don't like being there as it is, why accept the priesthood and only go in deeper?" makes a lot of sense. I was surprised at how adult his reasoning was on this count.

But when at church, I feel like a failure, an outlier etcetera. Whether he goes on to self-actualize is an open-question. My daughter is doing well, though.

I will say this -- the recipe the church teaches for training your kids isn't fool proof. I have a friend who is extremely disciplined and effective in applying the church approach to spiritual training. I'm amazed at how he and his family pray, read scriptures, do family home evening. He did it consistently as his kids grew up. I always felt in awe with his ability. but then he finally told me his oldest son wanted NOTHING to do with the LDS church when he became an adult. Primary reason? Didn't like going to Seminary. His other son is going through the motions, he says, and doesn't really have a testimony. Somehow, all that religious training didn't translate into commitment.

Me, my luck has been better without regular scripture reading, without family prayer, etcetera. At least my daughter is engaged and has said to me recently "Dad, I really like being a Mormon"....at least I haven't pee'd in the pool as far as she is concerned.

I only create this comparison to show that the textbook approach of the church isn't foolproof, and in some cases, can actually spawn rejection of the gospel and the church as a whole. And that kids will choose as they see fit.

I have to say, though, that other Mormons will often help you feel that you've failed. When I told priesthood leaders my son didn't want the priesthood, and explained what I felt he needed from the church program, one of the leaders said this.

"You don't have to answer this question, but for me, his decision about accepting the priesthood is a question of whether scripture reading and prayer is happening in your family".

I gave a response that I think, quelled what this leader was implying (or openly stating). But I have been trying not to blame myself.

I don't think the kids necessarily have to go on and get higher education, fabulous jobs, etcetera either. They just need to be happy.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

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Re: Hi

Post by rachael » 01 Jan 2015, 13:24

Thanks for sharing your story, stan. Also, thanks for the other stayers' replies. I also sometimes worry how much culpability i have for my daughters being inactive.

I have not been a good example to my daughters (more of an example of what not to do) but I did drag them to church occasionally when they were young, and they have been baptized. Neither are active as adults but neither have a desire to leave the LDS church. They will defend it if confronted with antis.

I've always prayed to HFather to make up for my inadequacies and my daughters know this. I just keep in mind that H Father loves them more than I have the capacity to do and He will have an individual plan of salvation for them (and me too)

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Re: Hi

Post by Heber13 » 05 Jan 2015, 13:30

Welcome Stan. I am glad you joined and shared parts of your story...you obviously have lots in common with many of us as seen by the responses.

I have focused on my kids being happy and learning how to make choices, and helping them be aware of navigating who they are through life and the influences they face at school, including the mormon kids at school.

Our family has gone through changes, and with divorce, and older siblings going through rebellious stages, and other struggles...I am just glad they all know they are loved by their dad, and are figuring things out as they go. Things are messy in life, I think we prioritize what things are most important for family, and always remember the church is there to support the family, not impose on it. I have found ways to fit our church experience around our family and our needs, and although i don't feel we are a typical mormon family...I am finding there mostly aren't. Every family has their thing they go through.
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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Re: Hi

Post by wayfarer » 13 Jan 2015, 11:24

five daughters, one wife, and me: seven paths.

"Those who speak don't know, those who know don't speak." Lao Tzu.
My seat in the bloggernacle: http://wayfaringfool.blogspot.com

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Re: Hi

Post by West » 21 Jan 2015, 00:54

Welcome to the site, Stan. I'm not married and I don't have kids, but I do wonder a lot what my TBM parents would think if they knew how far off the strait and narrow path of Utah Mormon cultures and beliefs I've strayed. :)
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. -Albert Einstein

And God said 'Love Your Enemy,' and I obeyed him and loved myself. -Kahlil Gibran

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