Just trying to be me

Public forum, tell us about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS!
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Mrs. SuperChicken
Posts: 42
Joined: 25 Apr 2014, 10:14

Just trying to be me

Post by Mrs. SuperChicken » 11 Jun 2014, 09:19

I am a little nervous about posting something as I do not participate in social media very often. I have been reading this site for about a year and have been going through a faith transition for several years. I am a BIC, married in the temple, TR holding, former “knowing” member. I have spent a lot of time in the church justifying it and trying to ignore the things that were really just not ok. I am a little different from some of the people that are struggling with the church in that I do not have that many doctrine problems, except when other people mis-apply the gospel. I guess you could say I fit into the category of tired and used up. I feel as though the organization and most of the members are wandering away from the foundation of love god and love your neighbor. I understand that early church leaders and current ones are just people and they make mistakes and that most of the time they are really not speaking from the spirit. I just wish they knew that.

My personality and interests really do not fit the “Mormon Woman” profile. Several years ago I stopped trying to shove myself into that box and have allowed myself to figure out who I want to be. I have found so much peace and joy in life from doing that. I have with my husband’s hard work transformed my marriage into a partnership in progress instead of it being so controlling and abusive, in spite of the absolutely awful advice that church leaders gave us. I have learned how to say no and value myself now and then, though I am still working on the intense guilt that comes with saying no. I am so very tired of the judgment that is presented as love. I do not need you to give me conference talks about how I am destroying my family by starting my own business. I don’t need you to tell me that being successful in anything outside my home is wrong. I don’t want to know that if I would just wear more makeup, loose a few pounds or dress differently, have matching curtains and pillows, cook perfect meals, throw the perfect birthday party, and have my children wear matching hair bows, then I would be important, righteous and deserving of acceptance. I don’t want their acceptance or man’s promises. I am working on being accepted by HF. I don’t want to hear about “perfect obedience to my leaders”. I don’t want to be told how to be a better wife and mother from people that spend more time hiding their problems than fixing them. I would love to have a REAL conversation about they deal with things in their family so I can learn different ways to do things, but that is threatening to their perfection.

A little while ago I was informed I had been called to another leadership position right at the time I was trying to convince myself that walking away from it all would not be a good idea. I asked why they thought I should have the calling. I was told I was so strong that I could deal with a bunch of difficult people because I had to deal with a lot of garbage in my last leadership calling (most of it coming from them) and it didn’t seem to bother me. It did bother me. It has hurt my testimony. I turned down the calling. I have also recently asked to be released from my current calling and I said I would no longer be a visiting teacher. I really just do not want to do it anymore. I crave and need the gospel, I love to study it and learn and understand more about the nature of Christ and his gospel. The gosple of Christ is why I am still there, but I find it almost impossible to feel the spirit at church. I wish the Church would stop getting in the way so much. Boy, this sounds really whinny not exactly what I meant to communicate, but there you are. :smile:

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DarkJedi
Posts: 6537
Joined: 24 Aug 2013, 20:53

Re: Just trying to be me

Post by DarkJedi » 11 Jun 2014, 14:17

Welcome. I do agree that many people in the church seem to be missing the mark of the core principles of the gospel, loving God and loving our neighbors along with the doctrine of Christ. The gospel itself is so simple and has nothing to do with earrings, white shirts, or women not working outside the home. It bugs me, too.

You sound tired. Hang in there, sister.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

My Introduction

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Heber13
Posts: 7084
Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: Just trying to be me

Post by Heber13 » 11 Jun 2014, 19:13

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I think it is very common for people to get to that point you find yourself in.

Give yourself permission to feel that way.

Maybe there is a new view of church that helps you engage or maybe you can supplement church with new things outside church.

I think God wants us to take out beliefs and testimonies in our own hands and become the right person we should become. That means at some point, church isn't all we need in life.

Explore. And pray God will lead you.

Thanks for joining the conversations.


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Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

Ann
Posts: 2572
Joined: 09 Sep 2012, 02:17

Re: Just trying to be me

Post by Ann » 11 Jun 2014, 21:01

Hi, Mrs. Superchicken - I'm glad you're here. I really enjoyed your intro.
"Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery." - Joseph Campbell

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"Therefore they said unto him, How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said unto them, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes...." - John 9:10-11

Oneofmany
Posts: 49
Joined: 01 Nov 2013, 21:53

Re: Just trying to be me

Post by Oneofmany » 14 Jun 2014, 14:36

Really enjoyed your intro, and I relate a lot. I have been there. I am going to recommend something that I usually don't recommend (and this all depends on your relationship with your bishop) talk to him about your feelings thoughts. If there is anyone in your ward that feels burnout, it is probably him. At the least, this will let him know where you are at so he isn't asking you to do the demanding callings while you get your breath.

Anyway, welcome, and good luck

Minyan Man
Posts: 1623
Joined: 15 Sep 2011, 13:40

Re: Just trying to be me

Post by Minyan Man » 14 Jun 2014, 20:34

Mrs. Super Chicken,
Thank you for the intro. You have a lot going for yourself. I especially like what you said:
My personality and interests really do not fit the “Mormon Woman” profile. Several years ago I stopped trying to shove myself into that box and have allowed myself to figure out who I want to be. I have found so much peace and joy in life from doing that. I have with my husband’s hard work transformed my marriage into a partnership in progress instead of it being so controlling and abusive, in spite of the absolutely awful advice that church leaders gave us. I have learned how to say no and value myself now and then, though I am still working on the intense guilt that comes with saying no. I am so very tired of the judgment that is presented as love.
Keep coming back. We want to hear more from you.

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Mrs. SuperChicken
Posts: 42
Joined: 25 Apr 2014, 10:14

Re: Just trying to be me

Post by Mrs. SuperChicken » 15 Jun 2014, 13:21

Thank you for the welcome and the support. I just talked to my bishop and asked to be released from my calling. He is new, only a few months in the calling. It went very very differently than I expected. The first time I talked to a different bishop about being released I was called to repentance and told I was not honoring my covenants. My DH later said a few words to him and I was released a few months later. I then got several different callings right after that. About a year later I asked to be released from two of them. I was ignored for months even though I did remind them. I stopped doing them and again my DH spoke to them, and they released me.

This time the new bishop was concerned that I was ok, and very surprised as he thought I was one of the golden families. :shock: He said I was released right then. I said I was worried about the reaction of some of the ward members who gave me so much trouble last time I was released from a calling and not called to a new one. He has not released me in sacrament meeting.

He kept asking if I had any problems with doctrine. I said there were a few things that I was struggling with, but I did not tell him what. I think that was great advice that came from several of you on this board and I am glad that I stuck with it. I really did not want to argue. He seemed confused about why I thought it would help me stay active if I was not involved. I did not really say very much. I really just need time to find a way to serve in the church because I want to again. I have been doing what they want because of guilt or because it is easier to do it than listen to people nag you. I am tired of being used for other people’s purposes when I do not agree with what they are doing. I need to be able to get over some of the hurt and anger. I am really not sure how to do it. I was so very glad that the current bishop was nice about it.

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DarkJedi
Posts: 6537
Joined: 24 Aug 2013, 20:53

Re: Just trying to be me

Post by DarkJedi » 15 Jun 2014, 18:49

I'm glad it went well from your perspective, and I think it was good you kept your doubts to yourself. Perhaps to be a little more fair and maybe look like you're trying (and I think you are), maybe you could follow up with the bishop and let him know what types of callings you might be able to accept right now (if any). There are lost of callings that don't require much effort but still need to be done. Are you willing to accept any of that type assignment?
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

My Introduction

Curt Sunshine
Site Admin
Posts: 16473
Joined: 21 Oct 2008, 20:24

Re: Just trying to be me

Post by Curt Sunshine » 15 Jun 2014, 20:19

I agree that suggesting one or two things you would like to do is a good idea. Just don't go in expecting to be able to do them. It might be possible; it might not be possible. The outreach still is a good idea, no matter the result.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

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