Welcome DarkJedi. Its great to read your story, although sad that you felt betrayed and it has been hard for you.
I think we have moments in our life we just get tripped up, sometimes by others offending us, or tragic circumstance, or learning church history...it may be different for different people. But whatever the catalyst is...it causes us to seriously think about what we truly believe and how it meshes with our experience in life and what makes logical sense. The Dark Night (which lasts much longer than a night).
I don't always contribute these experiences to God causing it to happen to test us or get us out of our comfort zone. I just think we handle and pass through the struggles that we are comfortable with, until one day something trips us up that is our test (even if random circumstance or agency of others cause it).
It can become a blessing if we learn from it, or choose to do something to persevere it and expand our point of view or perception on the world from it. Perhaps that can be attributed to God, or perhaps it is just the world we live in and stuff happens.
DarkJedi wrote:How do all of you who are in my situation deal with going to church?
For me, I have thought of what I like about being a part of the church group. While I generally don't enjoy church services for myself (I rarely feel uplifted), I do find it a place to connect with others. I often think..."Can I disagree with what is being said, but still conduct myself in a way that is loving and kind with others?"
I find that I can. I find that when I am focusing on the things I disagree with, church is very painful. I have even stopped going for some time. But I also have found I can ALWAYS find the common ground of nice people who believe in true gospel teachings, and people I share values with, especially around teaching children and serving each other.
So, the way I deal with it is to focus on the good, and take the cafeteria approach to choose to let go of the rest. I also find church on Sunday is less about recharging my batteries, and more about exercising my patience and spirituality, despite what I experience at church. And I find there is benefit for me in doing that. Just like when I exercise at the gym or go for a 3 mile run...it can be painful and make me sweat, but that effort is helping me feel better about myself. And it feels good...or else I'd stop going entirely.
In other words, I look at it as a Venn diagram...and recognize that if I leave completely, I'd be leaving the parts that overlap with my beliefs, and I don't want to lose those. So I keep trying. And I like the people. And when it gets too painful...I take a break so I can stay balanced and I can stay honest to my inner feelings.
That is how it works for me.