Another newbie

Public forum, tell us about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS!
User avatar
RMsister
Posts: 31
Joined: 10 Mar 2011, 18:39

Another newbie

Post by RMsister » 30 Mar 2011, 06:39

Hi, well, I've been a lifelong member of the church in Europe. I have 5 siblings, only my older sister and parents with me are active in church. I went less-active when I was younger. Returned to the church.
Now I just returned from serving a mission and well, comming home has been hard for me.
I've seen things on my mission happening in the church that make me question things. When I returned home my ward split up the week after I got home and I hardly know anyone.
I'm 26, not dating, not married, and basically in my ward, my stake, everywhere that means I'm a freak. My bishop knows I'm struggling and he's very understanding.
But to be honest, the reason I came here is because I do need some support. I have a strong testimony of the Saviour and His Atonement, I know repentance is for real.
For me the hardest part is the coldness that I find in the church. We used to be, and to the outside world we still are, a 24/7 church, but to be honest, I don't feel that in the church. Every sunday I dread going to church. I have a calling. It is hard, but I like it as well, and I think if I hadn't had the calling I would've stayed home.
So, well, here's me. Feel free to ask questions.

User avatar
Brian Johnston
Site Admin
Posts: 3486
Joined: 22 Oct 2008, 06:17
Location: Washington DC

Re: Another newbie

Post by Brian Johnston » 30 Mar 2011, 06:48

Hi RMsister,

Welcome to the community. Glad to have you here with us.
RMsister wrote:I've seen things on my mission happening in the church that make me question things.
Anything in particular? Feel free to start individual topics in the Support / History & Doctrine / Spiritual forum sections if you want to dive into something in detail and get repsonses.
"It's strange to be here. The mystery never leaves you alone." -John O'Donohue, Anam Cara, speaking of experiencing life.

User avatar
cwald
Posts: 3628
Joined: 10 Aug 2015, 06:39

Re: Another newbie

Post by cwald » 30 Mar 2011, 08:34

Welcome to StayLDS

I hate going to church. I despise the Mormon culture I grew up in. I dislike authoritarian organizations. I do not believe the church is the one true church on the face of the earth. I believe the LDS church is a divinely inspired organization, one of many, that god uses to help people find peace in this life, and perhaps in the next.

I stay LDS because of family, and it helps me focus my thoughts and energy on the divine and spiritual part of life. I have found nothing better (though Buddhism and neo-paganism do come close, IMO.)
  Jesus gave us the gospel, but Satan invented church. It takes serious evil to formalize faith into something tedious and then pile guilt on anyone who doesn't participate enthusiastically. - Robert Kirby

User avatar
HiJolly
Posts: 471
Joined: 11 Feb 2009, 21:25

Re: Another newbie

Post by HiJolly » 30 Mar 2011, 08:39

RMsister wrote: I'm 26, not dating, not married, and basically in my ward, my stake, everywhere that means I'm a freak. My bishop knows I'm struggling and he's very understanding.
Welcome to the site! I don't think that means you're a freak. Why do you think it means that? Could it be something else?

I married my wife 1 year after she returned from her mission, at the age of 27. 8-)


HiJolly
Men are not moved by events but by their interpretations.
-- The Stoic Epictetus

User avatar
Heber13
Posts: 6941
Joined: 22 Apr 2009, 16:37
Location: In the Middle

Re: Another newbie

Post by Heber13 » 30 Mar 2011, 08:58

Welcome to the site.

Just as a help, if you haven't seen already, in the top right corner of the web page is a search box. You can put key words or topics in there and see if there are some discussions we've had on this site that you might find interesting.

There is also a good library of articles and essays on StayLDS.com home page. Start browsing through those also, there are many good reads.

In my experience, I have really identified with an article written by Wendy Ulrich on the FAIR website, which helped me to see that I am not the only one going through this mortal existence wondering about some things, and that there are some ways to try to get through it. I'd highly recommend reading this article:
http://www.fairlds.org/FAIR_Conferences ... ience.html

Sorry...I didn't mean to give you a bunch of homework...just some suggestions. Especially if you are struggling enjoying or getting anything out of church, perhaps you could study these on a Sunday and continue to seek spiritual food regularly.
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

User avatar
RMsister
Posts: 31
Joined: 10 Mar 2011, 18:39

Re: Another newbie

Post by RMsister » 30 Mar 2011, 13:52

Heber13 wrote:Sorry...I didn't mean to give you a bunch of homework...just some suggestions. Especially if you are struggling enjoying or getting anything out of church, perhaps you could study these on a Sunday and continue to seek spiritual food regularly.
No problem, thank you very much :clap: Very happy someone is helping me around.

User avatar
Tom Haws
Posts: 1245
Joined: 13 Jan 2009, 06:57
Location: Gilbert, Arizona, USA
Contact:

Re: Another newbie

Post by Tom Haws » 31 Mar 2011, 19:35

Hi, RM Sister,

If you are a reader, you might really appreciate Greg Baer's Real Love. Also in the event marriage ever comes up, it might be interesting to have read some of Harville Hendrix's work, beginning, I think, with "Getting the Love You Want".

For now though, I'm just glad you are here, and I hope you will feel free to share with us your frustrations and concerns.

Tom
Tom (aka Justin Martyr/Justin Morning/Jacob Marley/Kupord Maizzed)
Higley and Guadalupe
Gilbert, Arizona
----
Sure, any religion would do. But I'm LDS.
"There are no academic issues. Everything is emotional to somebody." Ray Degraw at www.StayLDS.com

User avatar
hawkgrrrl
Site Admin
Posts: 3410
Joined: 22 Oct 2008, 16:27

Re: Another newbie

Post by hawkgrrrl » 31 Mar 2011, 20:57

RM sister - coming home after my mission was a much bigger culture shock that going out in the first place. For one thing, you feel kind of a let down, like you were doing something important, and now you are not or you aren't involved and making a difference. It can feel tedious - work with no reward, and no recognition like you got as a missionary. And RMs are weird for a while. I had grown out of touch with fashion, haircut & makeup that was flattering, and so on. All of these things took me years to be comfortable with again. I shudder to look at my pictures when I first returned. Dating was difficult at best. It can also be hard to find people who relate because not as many women go on missions.

In the 20 years since then, I've found that church goes in cycles. Sometimes we feel removed, let down, disconnected. Other times we feel at home, engaged, progressing. That can be caused by things in our own lives and also by the mix of people around us. I think we have this idea that it's all 100% dependent on ourselves, but these other factors do impact how we feel at a given time. I think the most important thing is to cut yourself some slack during this time of change. You are not a freak. You are an amazing person who has served well, and you still have things to contribute - but now at a slower pace, and it's more in the background as your life takes the foreground.

Those are just some initial thoughts I had when I read your intro. Welcome to the site. If you elaborate some more on what you are experiencing, maybe there will be more to consider. I think your view is very nicely balanced about the flaws in the church.

Can you share more about these things:
- "I've seen things on my mission happening in the church that make me question things."
- Do you feel like "a freak" because of being single? Are there no other singles in your ward?
- You mentioned you are not dating. What opportunities do you have to meet other single people? Are you still in touch with mission friends? Are you going to school or working? I realize that in Europe there are fewer members available to date. Are you not dating any non-members either? By choice or coincidence?

User avatar
RMsister
Posts: 31
Joined: 10 Mar 2011, 18:39

Re: Another newbie

Post by RMsister » 03 Apr 2011, 11:15

hawkgrrrl wrote:Can you share more about these things:
- "I've seen things on my mission happening in the church that make me question things."
- Do you feel like "a freak" because of being single? Are there no other singles in your ward?
- You mentioned you are not dating. What opportunities do you have to meet other single people? Are you still in touch with mission friends? Are you going to school or working? I realize that in Europe there are fewer members available to date. Are you not dating any non-members either? By choice or coincidence?
Hawkgrrrl, you ask some really good questions. So I'm going to try to answer them.
The first part I'm slowly beginning to collect my thoughts and put them into topics throughout the Forum. So you'll probably see them pop up over time.
The nest one, there are like 3 singles and me in the ward. They are all younger than me, which is not always a problem. One is seriously dating elder K's niece, one of the other guy is well, I've known him his entire life and he's a snake and a very simple soul. The other guy just moved into my ward, is an RM, and well, I think in the past 2 months we have spoken 3 words to each other.
I have dated in the past, both members and non-members. I choose not to go for non-members, because most of the guys that I have dated had very different standards than me and expect a more physical relationship, where to me it's very hard to have. I have dated guys in church, and as they very accurately say in the movie Singles Ward: when a non-member checks you out, they see if you are someone to have a good time with, when an LDS checks you out you are judged for time and all eternity. (Not the exact quote sorry).
Dating in the church doesn't necessarily mean that they are the good guys. I feel like I'm being treated as a freak, because I like being single. Oh, I don't rule out marriage and children, I am just very very cautious of not falling for some jerk, which I have done in the past.
Since I am striving for a temple marriage, if I do get married, I prefer to marry within the church. This doesn't rule out that I could find a very nice boy outside the church who has the same values as me. I've just seen the benefits and problems on both choices.

I hope this answers some questions.

Further I have some good friends who are now about 22-23 and they are so desperate to get married. It makes me sick :sick:

Yes, I would like to get married before I can't have children of my own, but if not, well, I'm planning to make the best of my life with or without a husband.

Curt Sunshine
Site Admin
Posts: 16070
Joined: 21 Oct 2008, 20:24

Re: Another newbie

Post by Curt Sunshine » 03 Apr 2011, 11:32

I would like to get married before I can't have children of my own, but if not, well, I'm planning to make the best of my life with or without a husband.


Fwiw, I think that is absolutely and totally in harmony with the advice you would hear from every living apostle - and I certainly think it's the best attitude to have.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

Post Reply