My Intro

Public forum, tell us about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS!
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dkd22
Posts: 4
Joined: 14 Aug 2019, 08:06

My Intro

Post by dkd22 » 11 Sep 2019, 12:44

I have been lurking for a while and wanted to introduce myself and story.

I come from a long line of Mormons. I was born and raised in Utah and now live in Arizona. Both sides of my family going back generations in the Church. I have always been a “believer” but never really a black and white thinker or 100% rule follower in the Church. I don’t consider myself a TBM and do what feels right to me. I do enough that I keep a recommend.

I married my love 8 years ago and we have 3 little ones. My wife came from a very TBM home. Her dad has held every calling but a general authority. He is one of the most orthodox Mormons I know. My wife fell into depression a 3 years ago and at that time she started questioning her beliefs. Long story short, she left the Church 10 months ago after learning about the history and feeling like she was lied to her whole life. It has rocked our marriage and has sent me into depression. I have told very few people about my depression and I am now on medication and it has been getting better.
I take the 3 little ones with me to church each week. They loving being there and I feel like it’s good for them right now. It’s very hard sometimes to do it all myself and I think it would just be easier to follow my wife out. I don’t want to leave because the church is such a part of me and feel that pull towards it. How do you raise kids in the church when your spouse is against it? I haven’t been to the temple in almost 2 years and am nervous to go back after some changes in my beliefs.

During the last 10 months I have read and studied a lot of church history. I had read things from the CES letter to FairMormon and lots in between. I do not make decisions quickly and like to see both sides. You could say my “shelf” broke and I have partially rebuilt it since. A lot of things I have read on this forum have helped me with that re-build. I feel like I fit in with this group and it has provided tremendous support.

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LookingHard
Posts: 2910
Joined: 20 Oct 2014, 12:11

Re: My Intro

Post by LookingHard » 11 Sep 2019, 14:17

I might suggest you join the facebook group "marriage on a tightrope". It is a group setup for marriages with one believer and one that no longer believes. There are a lot of good conversations on how to navigate a "mixed faith marriage." It would be good if your wife were to also join. They try to reach both sides. They also do a really good podcast under the same tname.

Curt Sunshine
Site Admin
Posts: 16570
Joined: 21 Oct 2008, 20:24

Re: My Intro

Post by Curt Sunshine » 11 Sep 2019, 15:04

I a man glad you found us. I hope and pray you and your wife can be even stronger in the long run.

May there be a road.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

Minyan Man
Posts: 1696
Joined: 15 Sep 2011, 13:40

Re: My Intro

Post by Minyan Man » 11 Sep 2019, 17:59

Welcome, I'm glad you found us. I'm the one in our family who went through the Faith Crisis first. My wife tried to keep going with our sons.
She experienced some judgement from some of the members in our ward & stopped going. It wasn't easy for either of us. I don't remember
anyone coming to us and asking: why haven't we seen you? or, we miss you.

This is a good place to sort things out. Keep coming back. We're glad you're here.

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DarkJedi
Posts: 6650
Joined: 24 Aug 2013, 20:53

Re: My Intro

Post by DarkJedi » 12 Sep 2019, 05:33

I was also the faith crisis one in the family, my wife did take the kids during the time I was inactive (10 years). In her mind there was no question about church for them, although I was not always supportive (no ordinations, etc.). I'm sure it was a tough row to hoe for her, and I do respect her for her perseverance.

I am also a fan of church history, and I do quite a bit of reading regarding church history. I liked Rough Stone Rolling and I have also enjoyed People of Paradox, Wrestling the Angel, and Feeding the Flock by Terryl Givens.

May you find the peace you seek.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

My Introduction

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Heavy_Laden
Posts: 61
Joined: 27 Jul 2013, 19:51

Re: My Intro

Post by Heavy_Laden » 12 Sep 2019, 06:27

I was in your shoes, My Wife is a never-mo and couldn't embrace the church. I went alone for many years until it became an issue in our marriage. I chose her over the church, because I think family is more important than church attendance. I would love for it to be different, but you can't force belief on people no matter how hard you try.

My only advice is to be patient and listen to your spouse. If she has no problem with you going to church, then continue going with your kids. Step away if your spouse is feeling overwhelmed. You are allowed to say no to callings and assignments that take you away from your home. Set boundaries with your church participation and with people who go there. Do not allow them to love-bomb your Wife. It is also okay to be a "Sunday Mormon", it is hard for people to understand that but eventually people will get the right idea.

As far as the history goes (and this is where I become unpopular here).. do your own research and use your common sense and maybe Holy Ghost/Spirit to guide you. Obi Wan Kenobi said in Star Wars:

"You're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

A lot of what is written is biased and the authors have intents. When I look at Historians, I look at their status in the church and other writings. Often, you will find that the historian has an agenda and their writings seem to mirror what their agenda is.

Blessings to you and your family.
I'm an Independent Mormon and it's okay.

dkd22
Posts: 4
Joined: 14 Aug 2019, 08:06

Re: My Intro

Post by dkd22 » 12 Sep 2019, 06:49

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words! BTW how do you link someones comment in my response?

@LookingHard, I will have to look for that FB group. I have listened to a few of their podcasts and enjoyed them.

@DarkJedi, thanks I will have a look at those books.

@Heavy_Laden, thank you for the response. That is encouraging to hear that. It's been hard because we are programmed in the church that one won't receive all the "blessings" or your kids will go astray if the parents don't do their part in the Church. I am now looking through different lenses but it's still difficult.

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Heavy_Laden
Posts: 61
Joined: 27 Jul 2013, 19:51

Re: My Intro

Post by Heavy_Laden » 12 Sep 2019, 09:58

I wanted my girls to grow up in the church, but I am happy now that they didn't. I wouldn't want them to go through worthiness interviews and be molded into some kind of TBM Wife for someone. I wouldn't have any problem if my girls marry a TBM, but I wouldn't choose it for them if given the chance.

Being different is tough because many in the church are so uniform. When you go outside of the norm, people don't know how to take it. For example, I attend a Ward outside of my Stake once a month. The few people I shared this with in person don't understand why I am doing this. On the internet, I have received a message that I am a distraction to the Ward I am attending. Even after justifying it, telling them that I am not demanding services and just attending the Ward, they still think I should go back to where I belong. I can't.. I won't.. No deal. Ward assignments are a man made thing to bring the Lord's house "In Order".

We need to let go of the programming and look for the absolute best blessings our circumstances allow. It's there, it just takes an open mind and time to find it. I am convinced that we are put through these trials for a reason. When we are ready, our purpose or task will be revealed.
I'm an Independent Mormon and it's okay.

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DarkJedi
Posts: 6650
Joined: 24 Aug 2013, 20:53

Re: My Intro

Post by DarkJedi » 12 Sep 2019, 15:23

dkd22 wrote:
12 Sep 2019, 06:49
It's been hard because we are programmed in the church that one won't receive all the "blessings" or your kids will go astray if the parents don't do their part in the Church. I am now looking through different lenses but it's still difficult.
One of the hardest parts of what we go through is letting go of the dogma and the associated fear and guilt (both of which are man made and self inflicted). It's not easy but when you do it you'll find incredible freedom and relief. I sometimes listen to Catholic or other Christian radio while driving (long commute). Today there was a speaker who said the antithesis of faith is fear. I hadn't thought of it that way before, and while I don't know because I haven't done it I might guess that most active members would say the antithesis of faith is doubt. I've never seen doubt that way, to me faith and doubt are two sides of the same coin and without my doubts I would have no faith (and I have said this from the pulpit before). But the idea of fear being the antithesis of faith resounded with me and I think it works on multiple levels. It's going to get some pondering time on tomorrow's commute.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

My Introduction

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SilentDawning
Posts: 7225
Joined: 09 May 2010, 19:55

Re: My Intro

Post by SilentDawning » 12 Sep 2019, 20:12

Would your wife be willing to simply support you in raising the kids in the church -- and this means attending an hour of meetings or two? she doesn't have to believe, just be there with you? Especially since the kids will probably get no other church and she has no other alternative to provide (apparently)?

That is what I do -- I do it enough to be present and supportive.

Not sure if it's for your wife but perhaps she might consider it? And if not that, a discussion about some kind of middle way for the sake of the kids and supporting you?
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

A man asked Jesus "do all roads lead to you?" Jesus responds,”most roads don’t lead anywhere, but I will travel any road to find you.” Adapted from The Shack, William Young

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