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Being overwhelmed by others right now

Posted: 01 Oct 2019, 06:08
by SamBee
A bit under a year ago, I posted on here about how I am helping a friend through his separation and divorce:

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=9273

Well, that's still grinding on. And it's grinding me down. Only last night I got a forwarded email from someone wanting to resign, complaining no one had been helping him. I can think of at least twelve members who have helped him in some way.

She was also complaining no one had phoned her. Unfortunately, this is true, but she did list five members who have. I should have. I also should have visited her, but I don't have a car, and she lives in an isolated part of the ward. She has had an awful time.

* The church profits off "Sin City". I want to point out that LDS did not start off Las Vegas' gambling interests. As far as I know, LDS aren't a major factor in the whole thing.
* The temples are too expensive. I'm not unsympathetic to this.
* The church is male dominated. Yes it is.
* The church doesn't look after the elderly. Our ward is huge, so we don't get to see everyone, but I visit at least seven elderly people on a regular basis.
* She needed a blessing for health issues. She has had awful health, but I haven't heard her ask me!

Anyway, I've done a lot for her, and also for my friend who is being divorced. Occasionally I have to back off, because it's bad for my mental health and depresses me.

We are also having to deal with a group of international hustlers who have flown to another country and are being looked after by missionaries there. They did this after living rent free in an old man's house in our ward - the old man is really nice, and these two were working, but they gave him nothing, and kept complaining his home was too cold. :problem:

I attend ward council meetings every two weeks and other stuff too. I don't think some members know how full our hands are.

Advice please. I do try and set some boundaries and back off some thing when they get too heavy, but I also try not to abandon people. It is hard to keep that balance.

Re: Being overwhelmed by others right now

Posted: 01 Oct 2019, 09:54
by Roy
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

My wife is such that she is very conscientious. She cannot stand that her name would be associated with a lackluster program. This usually causes her to pick up the slack as others drop out until it becomes unsustainable and she burns out.

Potential solutions. 1) We would not accept certain callings. 2) we have had to limit our involvement and oversite to just the specific area that we are in charge of and that we have no authority and cannot get involved in other areas. 3) Do not take it personally! Someone else wanting their name removed has nothing to do with you and your journey. Some people are just extra needy and will always be so. DW and I have had to set boundaries with several of these people in our lives as well. We only have so much of ourselves to give. We have to prioritize.

I also recommend the Ted Talk by Brene brown on vulnerability. Some key points are letting go of perfection, being yourself to facilitate connections, and seeing yourself as fundamentally worthy of love.

Re: Being overwhelmed by others right now

Posted: 01 Oct 2019, 14:44
by LDS_Scoutmaster
Without knowing all of the details, the first thought that comes to mind is delegate, but that seems like too simplistic of an answer.

Having dealt with people for way longer than I should have I realized only after getting out of the situation that like Roy said some people will always be needy. It's worse when they are needy and judgemental. I'm not saying this is the situation you are in.

Boundaries, delegation, and knowing when people are just 'takers' for lack of a better word.

You don't want to get burned out and it seems like you are headed that way, so something needs to change. There will be an end to this, look down the road and see where you want to end up at the end of it.

Take care of yourself on the journey.

Re: Being overwhelmed by others right now

Posted: 03 Oct 2019, 03:58
by SamBee
I set strong boundaries but I am still affected. I don't know why I, and about five other members, got sent this email from this woman. I like her very much and respect her, in fact I wish I'd done a lot more for her, but I feel like I've been dragged into something else.

In her defense, she is not just a taker. I should have mentioned this before. This woman has done a lot for me, for others and for our ward. Unfortunately she lives in an isolated place, so it is hard for me to visit. (I have no car right now) Bishop is visiting on Saturday.

As this all wasn't enough, a (different) non-member woman I've been involved with seems to take all my text messages the wrong way, and has blocked me on the phone. I'm baffled, but I think if neither of us can understand each other we should probably head our separate ways. It is honestly the most confusing relationship I've been involved in, and I'm not even sure it's a relationship in the first place.

So I'm dealing with a break up or breakdown of a friendship as well right now.

Re: Being overwhelmed by others right now

Posted: 03 Oct 2019, 09:43
by SilentDawning
Ultimately, you are a volunteer. The church is also not equipped to handle long-term, chronic problems through its general membership. Plus our social services are not funded well enough to help everyone.

My take has been to put my inner peace and personal health first. This meant sacrificing my reputation in the Ward. But it has paid dividends in inner peace. I was still able to support my family, all 3 of them are TR holders now. One is married in the temple, my wife is active and a templegoer. My son remains to be seen, but he did go on a temple trip recently.

That is what it took to turn off my bitterness and anger valve when it came to the problems I faced in the church. Distance, boundaries, and putting myself first. Not exactly something you can say over the pulpit, but sometimes it's absolutely necessary.

Re: Being overwhelmed by others right now

Posted: 03 Oct 2019, 10:26
by Roy
I am sorry Sambee.

Take care of yourself, your health, and your sense of wellbeing. We experience our biggest joys and also our biggest sorrows in relationships with others. Relationships expose vulnerability but without vulnerability we cannot live in fulfilling ways (que Brene Brown). Sometimes it is ok to take a brake or a breather to get your bearings and recharge.

We are here for you. As much as we can be from the other side of the world.

Re: Being overwhelmed by others right now

Posted: 04 Oct 2019, 05:32
by SamBee
Roy wrote:
03 Oct 2019, 10:26
We experience our biggest joys and also our biggest sorrows in relationships with others. Relationships expose vulnerability but without vulnerability we cannot live in fulfilling ways (que Brene Brown). Sometimes it is ok to take a brake or a breather to get your bearings and recharge.

We are here for you. As much as we can be from the other side of the world.
Thank you for your support.

I sometimes feel like I could do with going off to live in the woods or an island. It would be a way to get away from other people's drama! I would miss modern dentistry and medicine, but I could probably leave a lot of the rest behind.