God has some great things for your to learn on your journey, as is the case with the rest of us as well. Sometimes we can think everyone else has things figured out and there is something "wrong" with us because we have feelings, thoughts, urges, and internal things going on. But truth is...so does everyone else.
I won't minimize any of your struggles, because these are things that are important for you to wrestle with, and learn from. They don't come from God, or the devil, they are just part of life to help us gain experience while on this mortal journey.
But my advice, now that I have kids your age who are going through similar things, is to tell you to first and foremost find ways to love yourself and be kind to yourself and accept yourself where you are in life...realizing you will move forward and figure things out as you go.
You might want to start with this statement you made, and really do some soul-searching around this belief you have. Test this. Try God and see what is real, or what is based on your fears, not reality. Are you really unworthy? Or do you just think you are?
What if you gained a testimony that the atonement was there to help you do your best, even if not perfect? What if you gave blessings with hope and faith that God makes up the difference, and with that belief you loved and cared for others. And as you gave blessings or sincerely loved others, and asked God to help make up the difference with your imperfections...would you start seeing good things in life, blessings in life, spiritual experiences? Would others start telling you that you have brought the spirit into their lives? In other words...God would seem to accept you as worthy based on experiences you can see? I dunno know if that would happen...but you could try it and see before just relegating yourself to "unworthy" and never even try.
I think sometimes we are harder on ourselves than God is. I am a father to college age kids and love them, even though they are imperfect. In fact, I think they are amazing kids. Some are inactive in church...and I don't care...they are amazing kids. If I can see them as such as an imperfect, mortal father...how much more does a perfect Heavenly Father accept His children who are not perfect but are trying?
Remember what our church leaders have taught us:
Uchtdorf: Receiving a Testimony of Light and TruthThe Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a place for people with all kinds of testimonies. There are some members of the Church whose testimony is sure and burns brightly within them. Others are still striving to know for themselves. The Church is a home for all to come together, regardless of the depth or the height of our testimony. I know of no sign on the doors of our meetinghouses that says, “Your testimony must be this tall to enter.”
The Church is not just for perfect people, but it is for all to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in him.” The Church is for people like you and me. The Church is a place of welcoming and nurturing, not of separating or criticizing. It is a place where we reach out to encourage, uplift, and sustain one another as we pursue our individual search for divine truth.
In the end, we are all pilgrims seeking God’s light as we journey on the path of discipleship. We do not condemn others for the amount of light they may or may not have; rather, we nourish and encourage all light until it grows clear, bright, and true.
A Promise to All
Let us acknowledge that most often gaining a testimony is not a task of a minute, an hour, or a day. It is not once and done. The process of gathering spiritual light is the quest of a lifetime.
Your testimony of the living Son of God and His restored Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, may not come as quickly as you desire, but I promise you this: if you do your part, it will come.
And it will be glorious.
I hope that helps some. Don't be so hard on yourself that you damn yourself from learning things now. Be open to things that God will teach you, even if you hear harsh and judging things from others at church. They are expressing their views based on their experiences and are trying to journey the best they can.
I think there is a place for you in the church, as you are. And there are likely many others in your ward with similar thoughts, fears, and experiences as you.
Thanks for joining our discussions. I look forward to learning more from your posts.