An Interesting Turn of Events

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
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AmyJ
Posts: 716
Joined: 27 Jul 2017, 05:50

An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by AmyJ » 07 May 2018, 06:49

I told my husband the root cause of my faith transition and how I am not sure about the nature of God.There was lots of crying involved on my part. He gave me a blessing of comfort (much more pertinent this time).

He listened thoughtfully, and was able to re-state back to me what I was telling him. He said and his body language seems to support that he could relate to the cause of my faith transition as starting to question everything due to a shift in my perception. This brings me relief because I thought it would be the source of greatest judgement/condemnation from him.

PROS:
1. My husband held me and let me cry in sincere compassion.
2. I am not carrying around a dirty secret anymore (not really "dirty" just... ). I can stop having bad dreams about not telling him.
3. I am not withholding information from my husband in the sense that I am including him in something that is important to me.
4. I asked my husband not to make my confidences general knowledge and he agreed not to. He understands some of the consequences of unbridled knowledge.

CONS:
1. From comments since then, I think I spent a lot of our emotional currency in the experience. I expected nothing less though.
2. While I think that he has some understanding/empathy for where I am, his answer was shades of "pray, read the scriptures and it will all come back in time". He is certain that God always has and always will speak to my mind and heart tailored to my brain wiring.
3. He did not ask (and I am not volunteering) how our religious family narrative changes in response to my personal narrative changing. I get the sense that I can write my own personal faith narrative however I want as long as I go to church when the family does, not bring contention into the home (opinions are one thing, contention is something else), keep the Word of Wisdom, and not fight paying Tithing (whenever he remembers). He would like it if I wore garments more regularly.

NOTE: I am OK with this current circumstance. I am learning to speak sheepese as the rule of staying in my Mormon culture. I don't want to burn bridges I don't have to. I've got a lot on my plate developing a Celestial Marriage now, teaching my daughters the basics of survival, being the executive functioning of my family, and furthering my education. I am focusing on learning about how humans perceive God and what that means to me. I don't want to make drastic changes until I know they are necessary and how to make them.

NOTE NOTE: Since I know more of where I have been and what I am going through, I am doing my best to be responsible and not inducing a faith transition for him, or stretching his personal narrative about religion and faith beyond what it can endure.

Roadrunner
Posts: 870
Joined: 25 Sep 2012, 15:17

Re: An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by Roadrunner » 07 May 2018, 12:24

AmyJ,
I'm so glad it turned out well and that hubby was supportive. I'm sure it was scary at the time and that it's a big relief.

If you don't mind I'll share a summarized version of my conversation with my wife, about 3 years ago. It was date night and we were in the car and pretty much told her I think none of it's literally true but that I wanted to still serve and support her and the kids. She was supportive and didn't say much for about an hour and then she started bawling for about an hour straight. Big heavy sobs. I think she saw her celestial marriage evaporating in front of her eyes and I wish I didn't have to put her through that. To her credit she was never angry and said she'd support me and love me forever. Our marriage in some ways is stronger now, several years later, than it was before then. I feel like I can be more open and honest. It's hard to explain, I think we both know we have to rely on each other now, not on God or the church to make marriage work.

That's not to say it doesn't present challenges and friction - it absolutely does especially when it comes to questions about what we teach our kids. But overall I'm a big supporter of being honest with the spouse. I will say that, like everything in life, this turn of events will continue to evolve. He may internally struggle with your faith transition so keep loving and supporting him, which is sounds like you do.

Best wishes on this roller coaster.
RR

Roy
Posts: 4999
Joined: 07 Oct 2010, 14:16
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by Roy » 07 May 2018, 14:20

I am so glad that you were able to share this with your spouse in a way that was productive. May God be with you in your journey and strengthen your marriage!
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

Curt Sunshine
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Posts: 16060
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Re: An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by Curt Sunshine » 07 May 2018, 17:31

He sounds like a good man.
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

AmyJ
Posts: 716
Joined: 27 Jul 2017, 05:50

Re: An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by AmyJ » 08 May 2018, 05:54

Roadrunner wrote:
07 May 2018, 12:24
AmyJ,
I'm so glad it turned out well and that hubby was supportive. I'm sure it was scary at the time and that it's a big relief.

If you don't mind I'll share a summarized version of my conversation with my wife, about 3 years ago. It was date night and we were in the car and pretty much told her I think none of it's literally true but that I wanted to still serve and support her and the kids. She was supportive and didn't say much for about an hour and then she started bawling for about an hour straight. Big heavy sobs. I think she saw her celestial marriage evaporating in front of her eyes and I wish I didn't have to put her through that. To her credit she was never angry and said she'd support me and love me forever. Our marriage in some ways is stronger now, several years later, than it was before then. I feel like I can be more open and honest. It's hard to explain, I think we both know we have to rely on each other now, not on God or the church to make marriage work.

That's not to say it doesn't present challenges and friction - it absolutely does especially when it comes to questions about what we teach our kids. But overall I'm a big supporter of being honest with the spouse. I will say that, like everything in life, this turn of events will continue to evolve. He may internally struggle with your faith transition so keep loving and supporting him, which is sounds like you do.

Best wishes on this roller coaster.
RR
I was trying to get it all lined up for a date night confession as it were - but our adopted grandmother developed kidney stones and infections, so spent 3 months out of grandmother commission (and hated every minute), and the logistics never worked out for our ward teenager [not to mention we are a little leery of unknown people babysitting our children because it can stress our oldest and increase the chance of developmental relapses - been there, done that, I can produce the t-shirt].

I think the biggest challenge we face is the concept of living up for a celestial marriage is a huge motivating carrot for my husband (self-imposed internalization of the teachings at church), but now it does very little for me. I can (and do) shift it to the now - I frame it in my mind as doing my best to be 1 part of a celestial marriage even if there isn't a celestial kingdom.

Our marriage is stronger for this past year. When I "came to myself" and realized that there was a whole world of non-verbal communication I wasn't picking up on and did not add to my internal calculations - I became more humble and started developing the protocol to take a second and third look for the communications I was missing. He learned that there were things I was not going to get, and that he could provide more translations to help me get what I was missing. We could set up the environment for success - break things down even more verbally, show love, protect each other, and charitably give each other the benefit of the doubt. There are days when it is hard - we are much better at both helping and hurting each other. But we have grown - together.

AmyJ
Posts: 716
Joined: 27 Jul 2017, 05:50

Re: An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by AmyJ » 08 May 2018, 05:54

Roy wrote:
07 May 2018, 14:20
I am so glad that you were able to share this with your spouse in a way that was productive. May God be with you in your journey and strengthen your marriage!
Thank you. I wish you the same.

AmyJ
Posts: 716
Joined: 27 Jul 2017, 05:50

Re: An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by AmyJ » 08 May 2018, 06:01

Curt Sunshine wrote:
07 May 2018, 17:31
He sounds like a good man.
He is a good man. It says so much and so little with just a few words.

He is funny, at least as smart as I am, whimsical, compassionate, and a fantastic cook. He makes me have fun, reminds me to relax, and pulls me into the "Now" from either the past or the present. I love watching him interact with our children - whether he is putting stuffed animals onto his head as a "hat", successfully re-directing our daughter into re-regulating herself and reviewing her choices, or holding me when I need to cry.

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LDS_Scoutmaster
Posts: 210
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Location: SoCal

Re: An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 08 May 2018, 10:45

Our marriage has evolved along with our faith evolution as well, and I believe it's been good and growing, I fully understand your feeling of not having to hide it any longer. It's very freeing. Keep the lines of communication open, it's great that you're not only communicating but understanding. I wish you both all the best through this new chapter!
Navigating the future bishops interviews may need to be more tactful now, so that you don't become a project or get outed more than your comfortable with. Open communication will be Paramount between you two, and it sounds like you're on a good path.
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

AmyJ
Posts: 716
Joined: 27 Jul 2017, 05:50

Re: An Interesting Turn of Events

Post by AmyJ » 11 May 2018, 05:13

Roadrunner wrote:
07 May 2018, 12:24
Our marriage in some ways is stronger now, several years later, than it was before then. I feel like I can be more open and honest. It's hard to explain, I think we both know we have to rely on each other now, not on God or the church to make marriage work.
My marriage with my husband is stronger now than it was 2 years ago, absolutely. As our understanding of how my brain works improved, we set more realistic expectations. My husband arrived a personal resolution to become more respectful and charitable towards me and our children, and that has make a huge difference.

For me, I think I am more compassionate towards him because I changed our narrative by re-framing what I understand and believe in. Because I don't currently believe in the 3 degrees of glory, and I am not entirely sure about an afterlife, I am not waiting for a celestial "happily ever after" that I may or may not have felt entitled to because of what a good person I theoretically was/am. If there are areas that need improvement here and now, I have about 30 years to do my part to fix it (before the brain no longer really remembers what it is doing).

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