My strategy moving forward
Posted: 18 Apr 2018, 16:17
I am realizing more and more that, in order to exist in the "gray area" or Mormonism, I need to have a solid strategy in place, a "business plan" of sorts, for maintaining activity in the church while having such a new understanding of things now. First of all, specifically after what I've learned in this forum, I'm going to TAKE IT SLOW. I fully expect that this can be a years-long process for many, and my TBM wife, our family and our happiness is my main concern. It is SO IMPORTANT not to make hasty decisions when your world is crashing down! I also understand that change can happen much faster than expected, so I literally take it one day at a time.
So here's my strategy: Most important, I need to be able to be as authentic as I can be with my wife. This is proving to require a masterful balance of knowing what to reveal and when to reveal it. She is not ignorant about the shortcomings of the church and its people, but she is very TBM. I opened up and talked to her (I prepared notes in advance so I wouldn't lose focus) about a couple things last night. She is well aware that I am emerging from a recent serious crisis of faith, and I have been open to her about me wanting to make sure I choose the church with my eyes wide open - my need to understand the historical and doctrinal issues of the church, because I NEEDED to know the truth, no more guessing. She trusts that my search is sincere but is definitely worried because I'm sure she feels like I'm in dangerous territory (and she is undoubtedly right).
I started by telling her earlier in the day that I wanted to have a conversation with her, but that it was all very good things, and that she didn't have to "brace herself" for anything. Later, I started by telling her how much I love the church and have no intention of leaving it. It does an unbelievable amount of good in the world. I want to go to the temple with her to pray about the things I want to discuss tonight. I boiled it down to my coming to the conclusion that the vast majority of active LDS members do not live the gospel as it was truly intended. SHE AGREED. We have 2 adult daughters who are not active and I voiced my daughter's main concern to my wife: "The problem with active Mormons is that every relationship, every friendship or acquaintance, almost every conversation with someone else is based upon the frame of reference of 'Is this person an active member of the LDS church?'". For those, especially youth, who have vocal doubts or who leave the church, be design, usually feel DEVALUED by active members. That's because church culture has made this so, and church leadership encourage the behavior. This, I concluded, is fundamentally wrong and most members have it ALL WRONG when it comes to the actual reasons people leave the church, which I am so grateful to know now. She agreed again, with some TBM feel-good's thrown in. Fortunately, the spirit of the conversation allowed me to know that it was ok to bring these things up with her because she was generally agreeing with me all along.
I'm out of time for now...part 2 later, how it ended and my ongoing strategy.
So here's my strategy: Most important, I need to be able to be as authentic as I can be with my wife. This is proving to require a masterful balance of knowing what to reveal and when to reveal it. She is not ignorant about the shortcomings of the church and its people, but she is very TBM. I opened up and talked to her (I prepared notes in advance so I wouldn't lose focus) about a couple things last night. She is well aware that I am emerging from a recent serious crisis of faith, and I have been open to her about me wanting to make sure I choose the church with my eyes wide open - my need to understand the historical and doctrinal issues of the church, because I NEEDED to know the truth, no more guessing. She trusts that my search is sincere but is definitely worried because I'm sure she feels like I'm in dangerous territory (and she is undoubtedly right).
I started by telling her earlier in the day that I wanted to have a conversation with her, but that it was all very good things, and that she didn't have to "brace herself" for anything. Later, I started by telling her how much I love the church and have no intention of leaving it. It does an unbelievable amount of good in the world. I want to go to the temple with her to pray about the things I want to discuss tonight. I boiled it down to my coming to the conclusion that the vast majority of active LDS members do not live the gospel as it was truly intended. SHE AGREED. We have 2 adult daughters who are not active and I voiced my daughter's main concern to my wife: "The problem with active Mormons is that every relationship, every friendship or acquaintance, almost every conversation with someone else is based upon the frame of reference of 'Is this person an active member of the LDS church?'". For those, especially youth, who have vocal doubts or who leave the church, be design, usually feel DEVALUED by active members. That's because church culture has made this so, and church leadership encourage the behavior. This, I concluded, is fundamentally wrong and most members have it ALL WRONG when it comes to the actual reasons people leave the church, which I am so grateful to know now. She agreed again, with some TBM feel-good's thrown in. Fortunately, the spirit of the conversation allowed me to know that it was ok to bring these things up with her because she was generally agreeing with me all along.
I'm out of time for now...part 2 later, how it ended and my ongoing strategy.