Hard to find the right words

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
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SilentDawning
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Re: Hard to find the right words

Post by SilentDawning » 12 Apr 2018, 06:45

I think it depends how much it bothers you to hear it from her. If it doesn't bother you, then just listen, and invest in your relationship.

If it bothers you, then that is harder. My wife tells me it bothers her when I go off about the church (your wife is different I know, in terms of her concerns), so I don't do it around her. It upsets her. So we just avoid the subject. I try to meet her needs in other ways, though.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"Stage 5 is where you no longer believe the gospel as its literally or traditionally taught. Nonetheless, you find your own way to be active and at peace within it". -- SD

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

My introduction: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1576

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LDS_Scoutmaster
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Joined: 21 Jan 2015, 23:30
Location: SoCal

Re: Hard to find the right words

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 13 Apr 2018, 10:59

SilentDawning wrote:
12 Apr 2018, 06:45
I think it depends how much it bothers you to hear it from her. If it doesn't bother you, then just listen, and invest in your relationship.
It's cliche, but we men are problem solvers. We're hear of a problem or complaint and want to remedy it. I learned that there's a difference between complaints that need action, and complaints that need listening. I still haven't learned the difference between the two though :)
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

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SilentDawning
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Re: Hard to find the right words

Post by SilentDawning » 13 Apr 2018, 11:41

LDS_Scoutmaster wrote:
13 Apr 2018, 10:59
SilentDawning wrote:
12 Apr 2018, 06:45
I think it depends how much it bothers you to hear it from her. If it doesn't bother you, then just listen, and invest in your relationship.
It's cliche, but we men are problem solvers. We're hear of a problem or complaint and want to remedy it. I learned that there's a difference between complaints that need action, and complaints that need listening. I still haven't learned the difference between the two though :)
usually, the difference is clear. When you start talking about solutions, they aren't interested. They keep talking about the emotional hardship, or the problem itself. At times I will ask, "I think I understand the problem now -- are you ready to problem-solve? Or would you feel it's more helpful to continue talking through it?". That's not a sarcastic statement -- with the right tone of voice, it puts it back on the talker to either keep talking until they are done, or move to the problem solving phase.

If they are talking (still) and not willing to problem solve, I find it helps to make comments like "that must really [insert likely emotion here]", or ask questions that helps the person explore the nooks and crannys of the problem.

If they go on too long, to the point it's unhealthy for them, then intervention to encourage problem solving is useful. I have rarely had to go there...
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"Stage 5 is where you no longer believe the gospel as its literally or traditionally taught. Nonetheless, you find your own way to be active and at peace within it". -- SD

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

My introduction: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1576

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LDS_Scoutmaster
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Location: SoCal

Re: Hard to find the right words

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 13 Apr 2018, 13:50

I've interjected my solutions along the way while were talking, and like you said, if it doesn't go anywhere, I just keep listening. Thanks for the advice on the question :
SilentDawning wrote:
12 Apr 2018, 06:45
"I think I understand the problem now -- are you ready to problem-solve? Or would you feel it's more helpful to continue talking through it?"
I may try that one, it'll either go good or really bad lol

The original issue with my DW has subsided for now, it'll come up again I'm sure. We've been able to talk about different aspects of it, and she's working on solutions. It opened up dialog though which was good. I need to communicate more.
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

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mom3
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Joined: 02 Apr 2011, 14:11

Re: Hard to find the right words

Post by mom3 » 13 Apr 2018, 20:11

Yes, I think we ended up in this situation because of my comments about sodas, redbulls, and monsters. Lesson learned lol. I can admit when I've made a mistake.
Don't worry I did plenty on my end. I was the believer. It's painful both ways. Everyone hurts in this one. Don't get me started on how the church leadership could help - that would take pages.
"I stayed because it was God and Jesus Christ that I wanted to follow and be like, not individual human beings." Chieko Okazaki Dialogue interview

"I am coming to envision a new persona for the Church as humble followers of Jesus Christ....Joseph and his early followers came forth with lots of triumphalist rhetoric, but I think we need a new voice, one of humility, friendship and service. We should teach people to believe in God because it will soften their hearts and make them more willing to serve." - Richard Bushman

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LDS_Scoutmaster
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Location: SoCal

Re: Hard to find the right words

Post by LDS_Scoutmaster » 15 Apr 2018, 21:17

mom3 wrote:
13 Apr 2018, 20:11
It's painful both ways. Everyone hurts in this one.
Fortunately only every now and then. We're working on it and I wonder if things would be different if she was in the same place as I am, but I even have changed my views before and after my faith evolution. Thanks mom3
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6311&start=70#p121051 My last talk

We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

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