Opening up to dating potential LDS girl about my disbelief

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mczee
Posts: 73
Joined: 29 Aug 2015, 01:26

Opening up to dating potential LDS girl about my disbelief

Post by mczee » 05 Apr 2018, 22:50

I’ve been on the forums updating my dating life here and me opening up to TBM women about my heterodox beliefs. All of them seem minor interests and not all that important. This one was probably my hardest one...

I met this LDS girl on Mutual (tinder for Mormons) around mid February. She’s in Utah and I’m in Colorado. We casually chat and texted for about a couple weeks then early March we started to talk via video chat. It slowly turn into 3-4 hours a night just chatting face to face both of us having a blast.

A week in I figure I would open up about my disbelief but how I’m still active in the church and very much still Mormon. Just get it done and over with. At the time she didn’t had anything to say. She just listen respectfully. She talk about how her sister and her husband is going through a mix faith marriage. Temple marriage but her sister fell away and husband is still a believer. She talk about they make it work and they still support each other.

A couple weeks pass still having a blast with a daily video chats. I finally figured I would make the move and ask her if I can see her in person with the reminder about my relationship with the church. She excitedly said yes. Our plan is two weeks from now that I’ll drive up to see her for a weekend.

A couple weeks pass and I was concern the lack of communication about how she felt about disbelief. So tonight I inquired how she felt and told her I wasn’t getting any sense where she stand on it. I told her that I was driving up for a weekend in a couple of weeks and it was important me to know. She said she was still processing it and referenced her sister’s relationship with her husband and ask herself if that’s what she wanted. I told I understand and communicated that once she knew that i want to know ASAP so we weren’t wasting each other’s time but at the same time emphasizing we are still friends so there isn’t any rush.

After we log off I had a bitter sweet cry by myself. I was crying because how tired I was doing this women over and over and how much I was hoping this one work. I generally find myself dating women who are interested in me and I just roll with it despite knowing I wasn’t into them. Finally I met a girl in genuinely interested for the first time I can remember in a long time. Yes, I know it’s still early, but she’s one that seems to be checking all the boxes so far.

But I also came out proud of myself of making a stand and being completely transparent about myself. That I even though I like this girl and how much I wanted to work, I demonstrated that I’m more concern about my personal integrity and my pursuit of truth for both me and her. That I wasn’t hiding anything from her like I’ve done in the past. I did the right thing and I was accepting the consequences.

Anyways I just needed to write things down to get it off my chest. It’s been emotional and stressful night but I’m glad I’m emotional and stressful for all the right reasons.

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LookingHard
Posts: 2847
Joined: 20 Oct 2014, 12:11

Re: Opening up to dating potential LDS girl about my disbelief

Post by LookingHard » 06 Apr 2018, 04:14

Not to sound like a condescending parent, but I am proud of you. If this is going to work the honesty you are providing now is key. Nobody likes to feel like they were dooped into doing something (many of us here feel the church did that to us). The only suggestion I have is that you let her know how much you appreciate her mature response. Tell her how you feared being honest would end the relationship, but you felt you had to be honest. People like honest people! Honestly the do! :-) Tell her her response makes you think higher of her even if the relationship doesn't continue. You also might want to share (if it is true like it is in my case) that your belief change isn't driven by wanting to drink, do drugs, sleep around, etc. In other words your core values are the same.

I hope it works out well.

AmyJ
Posts: 693
Joined: 27 Jul 2017, 05:50

Re: Opening up to dating potential LDS girl about my disbelief

Post by AmyJ » 06 Apr 2018, 05:16

You did good. You were both respectful and authentic here.

I think she will bring it up when she is ready to do so. I think situations like this require deeper processing and defining of expectations - she has information from you on where you stand in terms of a faith narrative, but it is her turn to build a faith narrative in this area.

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dande48
Posts: 961
Joined: 24 Jan 2016, 16:35
Location: Wherever there is danger

Re: Opening up to dating potential LDS girl about my disbelief

Post by dande48 » 06 Apr 2018, 06:55

It's tough out there. I'm glad you made the choice to be open with her. You made the right call. I figure, it's better to be rejected for who you are, than loved for who you are not.

Don't forget, "It's not over 'til it's over." Be sure to keep us posted.
"The whole world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel." - Horace Walpole

"Even though there are no ways of knowing for sure, there are ways of knowing for pretty sure."
-Lemony Snicket

mczee
Posts: 73
Joined: 29 Aug 2015, 01:26

Re: Opening up to dating potential LDS girl about my disbelief

Post by mczee » 06 Apr 2018, 10:19

I sent her the “thank you for being respectful” text recommend by lookinghard. I also forgot to say I did detail all the values I still retain and my activity with the church. (How often I go to church, tithing, word of wisdom, chasity, etc) Before I just told her about my faith crisis and my disbelief in broad terms. She did communicated that she wants to know details and I told her last night.

Thank you for all the feedback. I’m glad it seems that I have the right mind set and doing the right thing. As the night went on after my post I felt better about what I did and how I’m handling the situation. I was scared to go back into dating because in the past I’ve been really hard on myself and experience some epic heart breaks. I think my emotional plate is bigger this time around so I think I’ll handle heartbreak better. But for right now I’m just going to enjoy the moments we have together.

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