It is challenging at times to find something within the scriptures/lesson for class and life that I feel applies to me when I walk out that door and into my everyday life. However, there are some threads that have finally come together, so I am acting as that woman in the New Testament and calling for you, my friends, to rejoice with me over the spiritual drachma I am holding
One of the Conference talks that I listen to and think about a lot is this one by President Holland:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/ ... e?lang=eng
I have been studying out the dicotomy of the father's statement, "Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief". The tension is real between those conflicting thoughts. My equivalent crying out is " Lord, I believe [I am doing my best to stay within a framework with God and the LDS church. Still figuring out the details here - actually trying to figure out the pertinent personal questions and principles (or at least trying not to do something in haste that burns bridges)], Help Thou My Unbelief [ maybe make it stop hurting, stop the nails on the chalkboard for some church meetings, help me to see You - and what You want from me]."
When we studied the end of Jesus's ministry, he asked his disciples "what would you have me do?" [in as many words, I am paraphrasing here because the essence of the question was more important than the exact wording for me at the time.] In a sense, I felt that the question was posed to me personally. What do I want God to do in my life (if anything)? I took this to a more literal phrase though - what am I expecting from God?
This week, we studied the brother of Jared with his experience with God that was started by a similar question. Through this experience, I was startled to realize that what compels me to believe the most is that intimate understanding demonstrated between the conversation with Jesus Christ and the brother of Jared. In the story, God saw the brother of Jared for who he is, saw the problems he was facing in leading the people, and implemented the brother of Jared's plan.
I want to know [or believe as an integral part of my faith narrative] that God sees me for who I am, and that as impractical as it may seem, I am who I am and where I am "for as such a time as this" as was Esther. I want reassurance that there is "room in the tent" for me.
As for what I was half-asking God for (maybe quarter-asking?), time (and careful meeting attendance protocols) will resolve the pain/nails on the chalkboard feelings. And it might be a case of in order for God to see me, I have to see Him (in the figurative or narrative-creation sense) - which is the eventual resolution of Stage 4 into Stage 5 (or Stage 3 for some people).
I guess what I am pulling from these scriptures is that the lessening of my cognitive dissonance (my faith issues) is dependent on my actions (I can choose what I do when I do it and why I do it to a certain extent), and is more of a "me" thing then a "God" action thing at this time. I can ask the seed of divinity inside me what I really want from life, and what I am really willing to contribute to that cause. I can make sure there is "room in the tent for me" by building a bigger tent (probably a faith narrative agnostic version) if I can't fit in the current tent (or find one) as it were.
Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
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