What to do ?

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What to do ?

Post by Rebel » 11 Mar 2018, 23:47

Many of you have read my posts before but my history is I have been in the church since 1981 until last July when I resigned due to a FC . my wife has never been able to accept my leaving the church in fact I still attend with her. She is now pressuring me to be rebaptized in July (you must wait a year if you resign). I am comfortable being a non member but she says its a must to be rebaptized and eventually be able to take her to the temple again another words no church no marriage !!!!! Do I give in and suck it up and believe what I want in my mind or say no and risk divorce ???? This is tough and I thought I was done with this . p.s. I still live the standards of the church. I so want to live a normal life !! Any help would be appreciated. God Bless.

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Re: What to do ?

Post by DarkJedi » 12 Mar 2018, 04:53

That's a toughie. It's hard to give advice in this sort of situation and none of us are counselors. I guess it boils down to how much you value your marriage. From her point of view this is not what she signed up for when she married you.

It is very possible to be an "active member" and hold alternative beliefs. That's more of a decision for you and what you're willing to give up. It is also possible to let go of the guilt/fear and still be an active member in good standing.

As a side note, being rebaptized in a year is not an automatic given. Leadership roulette and policy interpretation will play a role here. I'm pretty open and forgiving, but were I your bishop I would still probe pretty deeply into why you seem to be waffling. In a few months are you going to ask for a name removal again? What has changed between now and a year ago besides your wife being upset? Is that why you're asking to be rebaptized or do you have a real desire to be rebaptized? I don't know your leaders or your relationship with them, but I know being rebaptized is more than just making an appointment with the bishop and springing it on him.
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Re: What to do ?

Post by dande48 » 12 Mar 2018, 06:25

Best wishes, Rebel. That's a tough spot to be in.

*Disclaimer: This is advice from someone who hardly knows anything about you or your situation, and doesn't really have life figured out for himself.

Don't rejoin; not if you don't believe in it. It's especially tough when you have a believing spouse who is bargaining your marriage. I'd reassure her, that you promised to be with her, and stand by her forever; Just because you "left" the Church, doesn't change that fact. Leaving the Church was (I'm guessing) according to your conscience, what you honestly believe in, and what you felt "God" (however you define Him) wanted you to do.

I don't know how God thinks, but if I were to pass final judgement, I'd look more favorably on the man who honestly followed what he believed to be true (even if he was wrong), than the man who acted contrary to what he believed (even if those actions were right). Your wife is, in essence, asking you to choose between God and her. Is it better for your wife to have the husband who is true, or one who pretends he is something that he's not? Maybe this is God's test, seeing if you'd follow Him at any cost.

Don't forget, as better and more complete information reveals itself, you might change your mind. God might reveal to you, after you've "passed" this "test", that the Church is true after all, and you should rejoin with full fellowship. Until then, I'd continue to show your wife your support in her religious beliefs. Still attend and live the standards of the Church. Unfortunately, people are allowed to turn their back on their marriage covenants for "no good reason". Your wife might leave you, breaking that sacred covenant. But as long as you remain true and faithful to what you've promised, God will bless you.
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Re: What to do ?

Post by Roy » 12 Mar 2018, 13:45

Hi Rebel,

1) This is part of the reason why we encourage people to go slow and not to burn bridges. Name removal is burning a big old bridge. It might be preferable to simply go inactive or even have a "Do Not Contact" next to your name.

2) Regardless, this is where you are. I am thinking that there could be some room for better communication between spouses. Does she know why you left? Can you talk about it? does she feel fulfilled in your marriage in other ways? Is there service, love, and mutual respect between you?

I think it is worthwhile to reassure your spouse that your marriage is your top priority and that you are willing to make sacrifices for it. If it were me, I would seek marriage counseling. Perhaps rejoining the church may be part of the solution but I am hyper incredulous that it will change anything on its own. Marriage counseling could be a Godsend.
Rebel wrote:
11 Mar 2018, 23:47
its a must to be rebaptized and eventually be able to take her to the temple again
Just as clarification, is she thinking that you would need to be resealed or does this simply mean temple date night? I understand that your sealing "blessings" would be restored upon rebaptism. It would be worth the effort to find out what your wife's fears and desires are - Does she fear for the afterlife? Does she expect the church to alter your behavior in this life? Does she need you to fulfill the "priesthood" role in the home and reinforce the church family ideal narrative? Hopefully some good counseling could bring these things out.

P.S. if your wife does ever become vulnerable enough to share her fears with you it may be very important that you are encouraging, and supportive, and not critical or defensive during this time.
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Re: What to do ?

Post by Rebel » 14 Mar 2018, 15:57

Thanks to those that replied . I believe after much consideration that come this summer I will again be an Active member of the church. I do believe just not all of it !!!! For example Joseph Smith is on my bad list ! I do however do not believe in the binary I.e. it either true or false that was promoted by Gordon b. Hinckley. The church has moved on from that judging from talks given from Dieter uchtdorf who has said "if all you can do and believe is have one foot in the corner we would rather have you do that ". So yes I will stick my foot in the corner because I still believe in Jesus Christ and the lds church is not a bad place to be. God Bless. Rebel.

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Re: What to do ?

Post by Curt Sunshine » 14 Mar 2018, 18:09

If you love your wife, that should be your first priority. Adam chose a life of struggle and turmoil with Eve over a life of ease with God. That is my central takeaway from the Garden of Eden narrative, and I believe in it passionately.

Love your life as truly yourself, but don't confuse authenticity with transparency. They are radically different things. Attend church to serve others, not for any personal reward. "He who loses his life shall find it."
I see through my glass, darkly - as I play my saxophone in harmony with the other instruments in God's orchestra. (h/t Elder Joseph Wirthlin)

Even if people view many things differently, the core Gospel principles (LOVE; belief in the unseen but hoped; self-reflective change; symbolic cleansing; striving to recognize the will of the divine; never giving up) are universal.

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Re: What to do ?

Post by SamBee » 14 Mar 2018, 20:46

I would attend for a couple of months without being baptized and see how it goes.
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Re: What to do ?

Post by LookingHard » 15 Mar 2018, 06:50

I think Rebel said, "I still attend with her."

I can't really tell you what YOU should do, but I can tell you where I feel I stand on this - at least at this point.

As much as I love my wife, I would call her bluff (and she may be pressuring you, but not willing to go through with a divorce). Right now life feels too short and I feel in too many ways I have compromised much of my life away and I am kind of tired of it.

I do think the statement above about it not being all that easy to be re-baptized is correct. From what I have seen it is NOTHING like a new convert. They want to see (over a period of time) some REAL remorse and sense a deep desire in you to do whatever it takes to be baptized.

One thing to think about is what the situation going to be if you get re-baptized, eventually make it to the temple, the temple freaks you out and even after years you can't take going to church? Is she going to be OK, or is she going to be even more upset and want a divorce anyway.

And you generally get your money's worth on free advice like this. It probably says more about how the people responding feel than actionable advice. It may be more valuable to get professional advice from a counselor where both of you can explore this a bit deeper.

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