Priesthood and infidelity

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
llamamama
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Joined: 23 Mar 2016, 19:07

Priesthood and infidelity

Post by llamamama » 21 May 2017, 06:11

I intercepted some texts between my husband and another woman about a week and a half ago. It was a Thursday, and our oldest son was supposed to be getting his endowments on Saturday. Sadly, this ain't our first rodeo... He has been mostly faithful but I'm done and I told him that. There's too much history with his temper, his neediness, his addiction. So I was pretty quick deciding that it's time for divorce. I've prayed, I've felt very calm and resolved that this is right. Here's what's bugging me: last night he got a blessing from the same friend who gave me one after I found him out. He came home to tell me that the blessing basically said that if he can really change, recover, be the whole person, that he can have me back. He said he knows we need a separation but can I give him time? Another chance? He's had 21 years of chances. I'm done. I want to get on with my life. I simply don't feel like in some distant future, I could be with him again and it irritated and hurt that he felt like he could just walk in and put that expectation on me. The other thing that's really got me is when I spoke to a member of the Stake presidency. His first piece of advice was for me to get with my "DH" and have a heart to heart. He's been working out of town and coming home on weekends for a few months while we sell our house-we just got an offer and I was about to go look for houses- This church leader seemed to think DH would have an easier time being faithful if I were closer to him geographically... Right now I feel like it's ok for me to be walked on, emotionally dragged around, humiliated. Based on the blessing he got along with the sad advice that Church leader (don't know the acronym for stake presidency counselor), that there are some pretty pathetic expectations here. Any comments, advice? If this isn't super clear let me know. I'm barely hanging on. Why am I a member of this church?

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Always Thinking
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by Always Thinking » 21 May 2017, 06:48

I'm so sorry this happened. I have to side with you, it really sounds like he's had enough chances and you've been putting up with it for 21 years. There's a point where you can't pay attention to words anymore. Church people tend to push for members to stay together and forgive each other, but I think there comes a point where enough is enough. People can only take so much betrayal and lying. Even if you choose to forgive him, that doesn't mean it's best to stay together. Again, I'm so sorry your husband has been such a scumbag. Wishing you healing and peace in whatever you decide.

llamamama
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Joined: 23 Mar 2016, 19:07

Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by llamamama » 21 May 2017, 07:37

Thanks. He told me that God wants families to stay together. I don't disagree, but to what extent? What do my kids and I have to put up with? I want to forgive. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being bitter. I want to part on good terms, it's better for everyone that way.

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Reuben
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by Reuben » 21 May 2017, 08:41

Divorce isn't the end of eternity like we sometimes make it out to be. "You're breaking up our eternal family!" falls rather flat when you're divorcing over continued infidelity. Who was jeopardizing the relationship, again?

My only questions have to do with making it work in this life. How dependent are you on him? Do you have a current skill set you can use to make money? Do you trust him to come through on support payments? Will he co-parent the children?
My intro

Love before dogma. Truth before loyalty. Knowledge before sanctity or certainty.

Roy
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Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by Roy » 21 May 2017, 10:21

I am sorry for your situation. I find any advice that I could give to be woefully inadequate.

I just feel that you are the person that is closest to the situation and who knows best how salvageable it is. I would recommend reviewing options and studying them out as Rueben had mentioned. What might option A look like? Option B? C? Cost benefit analysis? Then you can make your decision based on thoughtful reasoning and deliberations. Maybe fast and pray about it if that helps you. Ultimately the decision should be yours... a decision that you can own and live with because there are consequences (good and bad) no matter what you do.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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Reuben
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by Reuben » 21 May 2017, 11:25

Roy wrote:
21 May 2017, 10:21
Ultimately the decision should be yours... a decision that you can own and live with because there are consequences (good and bad) no matter what you do.
This point is important. It's very easy to tell people what to do when you don't have to live with the decision day-to-day.

Though not necessarily for the same reasons, ensuring that the decision is yours is also Church policy. If you need to, you can remind your local leaders that the decision to divorce "must originate and remain with the individual." (This is in Handbook 1, so technically you're not supposed to have access... but it's also on Wikipedia.) The passage in question comes down against divorce overall, but "must... remain" means they shouldn't try to butt in.
My intro

Love before dogma. Truth before loyalty. Knowledge before sanctity or certainty.

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LookingHard
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by LookingHard » 21 May 2017, 11:35

I think that YOU have to decide and go forward with that. I think each of us has a history and that pushes us to give different advice. But I can't help but say "get on with your life" and don't let a church that leans heavy on the "stay together and it will work out" as the default answer.

So sorry you have had to go through this. I hope you have a good friend to lean on. Sending hugs.

Do get with a lawyer first as sometimes you can make decisions that have consequences with a divorce.

*take this and any other advice with a grain of salt.

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Reuben
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by Reuben » 21 May 2017, 11:39

I was too busy asking searching questions earlier, but... I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can only imagine what it's like, and I'm probably not imagining it being awful enough. I wish I could do more than just put words on your screen.
My intro

Love before dogma. Truth before loyalty. Knowledge before sanctity or certainty.

llamamama
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Joined: 23 Mar 2016, 19:07

Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by llamamama » 21 May 2017, 15:27

I really appreciate your help here. I almost couldn't believe that those words came out of his mouth, but I still could. At least he's gone for another week. I told him not to talk to me about God, religion, or keeping families together. He apologized. I know him too well to accept an apology yet, but I will forgive. I don't need this poison in my life.

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hawkgrrrl
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by hawkgrrrl » 22 May 2017, 12:15

How on earth can someone promise someone else that YOU will act in a certain way in a PH blessing? You have agency. You aren't a pawn on a chess board. Your actions aren't his to promise. Sounds to me like that counselor doesn't understand that your choices aren't a blessing that can be promised to your DH based on his faithfulness. He doesn't get how it works.

The decision to divorce with continued infidelity is difficult, but sounds like you know your own situation better than any of us do, and I agree 100% with the comment above that YOU aren't the one who cheated. YOU aren't the one breaking up an "eternal family."

I wish you the best.

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